Many people will also say that the ‘live pool’ is not bursting with numbers and in the bid to beat the ‘ukame” (real or imagined) many are bound to find themselves looking for cyber love, Facebook included, in the quest to find the ‘elusive’ Adam or Eve. That special someone is certainly not going to find you lying on the couch hogging the TV remote, rewinding Mexican soaps or watching the EPL (some effort is needed) and wondering if a mass exodus (to unknown land) of beaus and belles has occurred. (For those not versed in Kiswahili, ‘ukame’ means drought; in this case, we are not talking of rain, but of possibilities of dating).

I am sure you have read all the Dos and Don’ts about online dating and hook-ups (well, unless of course you have never been presented with this obvious challenge). If so, then you probably know about practising patience. This is because it takes time and unlimited patience to write emails, updates, maintain chats and Skype calls. Online dating is a NO sprint; you could sprint all the way to a mental break down after discovering your ‘fun-loving sensitive knight’ is nowhere near what he claimed to be and could actually be a social misfit (we will not even write the possibilities here .

Then there is the other advice about photos or rather an image of you. This seems logical; however, we need not mention that photos are not very reliable. Does Photoshop ring a bell? Yes, please do not post your photo of when you were 23; Eves, we know you think you probably looked your best then but we are in the ‘now’ and you don’t want him to think that he has been PUNKed! if and when you end up meeting; Adam will scrutinise you, seeing some semblance with your profile photo but wondering whether the photo was that of your younger sister or not! To Adams as well, do not puff up your biceps on the photo or stand on a stool to make her see how tall you are – you do not have to touch the sky to be likable .

Another Do is about communication. When you communicate, talk about yourself without sounding like an egoistic soul (e.g. ‘want her to finish off my sentences’, ‘want him to have the energy of a stallion, etc ). State what you will bring to the relationship/union. Let the other person know a little bit about you (honesty is the best policy) unless you are ready to survive on spinach and carrot soup for months, now that you need to shed the weight you literally slashed off when you told her or him how much you weigh!

DON’T overestimate the time and magnetic chemistry online. Time online can seem like aeons ; consider that over chat or email, you may share and get to ‘know’ each other much faster because you are both out to win each other over, and are still in the state of excitement about meeting. However, you won’t really get to know if the person is your type or whether your personalities click and whether the sparks are not just caused by the friction between your IP addresses! ; It’s amazing how much people can reveal about themselves when chatting but not when they have to talk to each other. So you need to talk – I mean voice calls – at some point and meet the person and needless to say, this is where it can get very tricky.

DON’T get carried away by promises of what they say they can do; a romantic escapade with candlelight dinners, red roses and nights on the beach under a starlit sky are easy to type. Of course Adams know what Eves want to hear – have you watched the movie What Women Want? – so whatever he says, take it with a pinch of salt until you meet him.The same applies to Adams, do not believe everything what Eve tells you, no matter how sweet, innocent and sexy she sounds. Make your impression after meeting her. Exercise caution.

For those who are in relationships (assuming the ukame is not endemic) and you are relying on the internet to keep the relationship alive, here are some general tips:

Maintain regular chat dates no matter what the time difference is or the work schedules and keep your promises. This ensures that you give each other the time and attention that you deserve. It will save you the trouble of logging on all day waiting for your special someone to log on! Being apart is already a toll on the relationship, not knowing how your better half is doing for days is a relationship killer as you end up being strangers to each other and suspicion is bred.

Make sure that your chat is not always ‘heavy’ but be real and honest about how you feel. You are human and you go through different motions, talk about those as well.

Address insecurity issues. It is normal to feel insecure especially when you are relying on chat messages for updates. An update about an activity without disclosing the characters involved is not really an update and is likely to make temperatures and BP levels spike . For example, say ‘I am going to meet Joe  or Mary my head of marketing’ instead of ‘I am meeting a friend/colleague’. This way, she or he will know you have nothing to hide. Avoid interrogations. You are not the CIA.

Be careful about online jokes. Many times text and chat messages do not come across as funny as spoken words. Make sure that you both understand each other’s sense of humour.

Remember safety first. DON’T give out personal information which would put you in any form of risk.

As always, we are looking forward to hear your experiences, opinion and advice!

By Fridah

My hypothesis in explaining this is our tendency to both conform and be manipulated by the forces of consumerism. We’ve allowed ‘love’ to be made a commodity to be ‘bought’, and something to be desired because someone else also has it. The same way we sulked when we were kids because the kids next door had been bought new Christmas attire and we hadn’t is the same way your Eve will be sulking on Tuesday the 14^th February because you did not buy her flowers while all the girls in the office, or classroom, or wherever she spends her day, had flowers and talked about their impending evening dates. And these ‘little omissions’ have often led to relationship bust ups. At the risk of setting myself up for a luynch mob, I will (confidently) state that it is the Eves who mostly value this commodication of love and have been manipulated to believe that the only way to show love is to spend money.

Eves are generally more vulnerable to manipulation than Adams. Take a spot check on TV adverts and you will realize that most adverts target Eves. Majority of adverts are likely to be about beauty products, detergents and other household goods that generally would be purchased by Eves. Eves are more mindful about how they look (and how you look). Talking about looks, I was subtly, over time, transformed from a chap who went to work in t-shirts, jeans and open shoes to a more formally dressed chap because hers truly did not approve the image. Eves are likely to be more concerned about how others perceive their relationships than Adams. Eves will prioritize spending money (mostly Adams’ money) on beauty and love, and are more likely to go for cosmetic surgery. My take is that the beauty and love industry has successfully manipulated them over the years through millions of ads, romantic movies, soap operas, music etc. I am not saying Adams do not fall into this trap, some do and that is why the term metrosexual was invented.

So what should we as Adams do? I say let’s give it to them. If she wants flowers, buy her (and don’t get into a lecture about the dehumanizing and exploitative conditions under which flower farm workers – mostly women – work). If she wants to go to a movie, take her and don’t start yapping about cultural colonization. Take her out to a lavish dinner and buy her some expensive gifts, even though deep down you think it is all nonsense, and don’t relate this incident to your inability to pay some crucial bills the following day when being nagged! Why do I say this though I do not believe in Valentines? Because I think the element of self sacrifice is critical for a successful relationship. They say Jesus sacrificed his life for those He loved so what’s a couple of hundred shillings for flowers? To paraphrase something I once read:

 those who want to become happy should not enter into a love relationship. The important thing is to make the other one happy. Those who want to be understood should not enter into a relationship. The important thing is to understand one’s partner.

In any event, we owe our Eves a Valentine simply for the amount of stuff they have to put up with from us!

By Otieno Hongo – Guest Writer

The guest writer’s blog: Reflections and Deflections

If one was to take a diagnostic test on a relationship, one of the vitals they would want to see up on the ECG monitor would be respect. Although people will say that the most important thing for Adams is to be respected, I can state here that Eves too want to be respected in a relationship. However, as we all might know, respect is one of those vitals that register a fluctuating reading of spikes and lows. How do we know whether or not respect is flourishing in a relationship?

To some, this may seem like an easy thing to determine but for others, it may need some demystifying. This is because respect is one of those essentials which cannot simply be fulfilled by words. Just because someone tells you ‘I respect you’, doesn’t mean that is actually the case: respect is very much about actions and has a lot to do with sensitivity as well.

Respect is a ‘vital’ because it forms the core of any relationship and we should strive to practise it as we demand it from our significant others. There are two ways about this: there are the actions that you do that show respect for yourself and there are actions by those around you that determine the level of respect they have for you. I think this is almost becoming a mantra on Project44, but as with many other vitals, you have to be doing things for yourself before you expect others to do them for you. If you say that you value respect but treat yourself in ways that contradict your words, you are basically telling the other person in the relationship that your words hold no weight and you’re simply preaching water and drinking wine. In that vein, this is likely to lead to disrespectful behavior towards you since you have signaled that those kinds of actions towards you are acceptable even though you say you don’t appreciate them.

The other important aspect about respect in relationships is having boundaries. Hold on, this does not mean putting up Great Walls of China in your relationship but rather an affirmation that in a relationship, Eve and Adam are not Siamese twins but individuals who come together based on common values, care and affection for each other. These are lines that you as an individual feel that no one, never mind whether you are having daydreams about rolling in the hay with the person , I mean, no one is supposed to cross. They offend your person and your dignity; they make you feel disrespected. Now, I know that in many romantic relationships, people tend to make excuses for each other, even when the bare minimum standards are not being maintained. However, it is this kind of forbearance that can frustrate a relationship.

There are many simple things that uphold the threshold of respect; we are not talking about calculus here.

Keep time. When you have a rendezvous with your Eve or Adam, be thoughtful enough to be on time and if not, let them know if you will be running late. (I have to say that the time spent waiting for someone, mostly in annoyance and a kettle steaming inside the head, is a fertile breeding ground for repugnant feelings.)

Listen to your partner and understand their emotions/feelings. Acting disinterested or interjecting them in the middle of a conversation is not only disrespectful, it is insensitive.

Do not speak on their behalf; they have an opinion and they will voice it out on their own; it is about valuing your partner’s opinion even when you do not agree (unless it is something radical like joining the scientologists ). Likewise, respect is knowing the discomfort zones of your partner and being considerate about them; not embarrassing your partner or putting them in a state of unease in public.

Consult your partner and together make decisions that are good for the relationship; of course if you are going to take her (or him? ) to Shompole’s on a surprise trip, you need not consult! Just do it!

Make an effort to work towards making the relationship work and meet your end of the bargain. Respect is about taking responsibility in a relationship; admitting when one is wrong and resolving conflict with honesty and maturity. It’s a tall order because of the mixed and hurtful emotions that are bound to prevail but it is not impossible.

Never ever make a derogatory remark about your partner. You know all that stuff about ‘men are dogs”, “women are gold diggers”, etc.

All of us want to be in mutually respectful relationships; it’s a lovely aspiration that is attainable – but let us not take for granted that it will come naturally.

Now I feel like I have asked Eves and Adams to be saints!

Have your say, respectfully.

By Joyce

One of the questions that most Eves have to contend with at some point in life (sometimes several points) is, “So what are your plans for the future?” When this comes from an old aunt or older mates at work, you know it has nothing to do with your career path or anything else but earning the ‘MRS degree’. In many traditionalist settings, there is a certain age by which Eve should earn the ‘Mrs. Degree’ and a grace period is usually granted. It becomes extremely complicated when Eve is on her final lap of the said grace period and she is not about to sound any vuvuzela. These will be her trying times. Trying because, even when Eve is not keen on the answering the toll of the ‘Big Ben’, there are all these other voices, some familiar and  very unfamiliar ones that  she has to deal with.

One Eve captured my attention with her rather detailed break down of  the various stages of  Eve’s ‘Degree’ timeline.She has categorized women into four broad but loose groups (loose because not everyone fits into any of these). So yes, the disclaimer is necessary because truth be told, this can be very sensitive stuff for most Eves.

First, there is the 25-29 year old, who makes the big decision out of a genuine desire to get married. She is sober, she knows that it is what she wants to do, she has found the right mate and she plunges into it. However, there is a small group in this category which marries because she is with a certain guy and her age mates are getting married and she thinks it is ‘their’ time. Many will argue that this is the best time to make that decision because the eyes are still kind of shut to the issues that bedevil the maze that is the dating arena. At this time, one’s career is just taking root or gaining some direction and there is some sort of fulfillment from pulling through higher education and probably landing employment.  Therefore, it seems having someone to legitimately ‘flex’ a muscle with, night in night out does seems like a fitting idea – more like being given power to hold and to be held.

The next group is the 29-31 year old. This bevy of Eves is literally ‘scared into’ marriage because Eve is in her 3rd decade and it is feels like ‘now or never’. So, almost any man hanging around her who shows some interest at this time will do. Truth be told, for most Eves, hitting the 3^rd decade with no Adam by her side wearing similar bands on their fingers begins to feel like a tragedy. People are popping out kids – cute kids, wedding bells rang (except they were not yours if you are still in the single+29-31 category) and then the circle of friends starts shrinking because priorities (their priorities) change and to be honest, you do not identify with those priorities – what do you know about changing diapers in the wee hours of the night or the chess moves that are characteristic of dealing with in-laws?

Then there is the troupe of 32-34 year olds otherwise known as the PRIDE of Eves. They have kissed enough frogs, they’ve seen it all and heard enough stories about marriage and are mostly disillusioned about the whole ‘affair’. This category often times wonders why get married in the first place. When she catapults her thoughts into the marriage arena, she is not sure that there is anything attractive about the traditional union; most likely, she has dated and the subject of nuptials arose either in passing or discussed in general terms meaning that somewhere inside her she has considered it. In other words, this is a tricky stage, because she is still open to the idea but she is also set in her ways hence the level of compromise needed for a meaningful relationship might be difficult to achieve – it will need a lot of bargaining.

Last but not least is the over 35 and beyond. She will tell you that, just like manna, the questions ceased from all concerned and unconcerned . They are called ‘the independent women’. Her grace period expired and was ‘sentenced’ by some undefined tribunal to fate and luck. That is why when a 35-and-over Eve announces her big day, no one wants to know the tribe, religion or creed of her significant other, and no one dares object. Even her sickly grandma will travel to the city, to witness and quip, “she has done what she could not do at 26”. As we can all imagine, this woman could be happy to finally ‘settle’ down  but at the same time one has to wonder if she has all manner of mixed feelings because she is not sure if this bold move is a ‘life sentence’, or if it is a good bargain. However, given that she probably knows herself, she will be able to discern that.

So these ‘classifications’ reminded me of instances when my Eve friends (or myself ) have literally been ambushed with all manner of questions about tying the knot – and all manner of unsolicited advice comes your way like “you know time is running out, your eggs will freeze over”. You are given this frantic advice about how you need to just hook up with someone, or just get a baby etc. Often times, the feelings of the Eve in question are never put into consideration.

One may argue that there is never a ‘right age’ to get hitched – when the time comes, it comes (OK, or when you make the time come). Some marriage experts advise that in fact waiting till one is a bit advanced in age has its pros; one of them is that one will most likely have a good sense of who you are and what you want in life. This way, one is more likely to make the right choice (shrinking pool and all). One writer wrote that by 30, the woman has given up on marble and is now modeling her Adam with clay; after all clay is easier to model allowing for alterations as reality redefines fantasy and fantasy fades into oblivion – how true?!

This one is to all Eves out there, I think this is just a reminder that you are not on schedule – take your time. Some will ask, “Take time doing what???” Well, taking time to do things for yourself in the ‘meantime’ – loving yourself, going to the gym, taking to explore your hobbies, just being you, etc.I have heard some great rumors  that when you think it will not happen, that is when ‘the one ‘appears and you will most likely be glad you waited; it is during this time that you will realise that there was no need for ‘microwave relationships’.

To Adams, do not take these classifications seriously .

Have your say!

By Fridah

We have all heard the teaching and saying that if you do good deeds, then good things will surely follow you. This is the positive law of karma: do good deeds and you will reap in kind. This is a great premise on which to live everyday life and could certainly make the world a better place. A friend of mine jokes and says that the trouble with being good is that it comes and bites you in the ass sometimes! His cynical self was just pointing to the fact that sometimes in life, what you give is not always what you get. I think that certainly when it comes to matters relationship, the karma algebra points to giving ≠ getting.

The other day a friend and I were reminiscing about the yesteryears of childhood – the pre-teen years when life was so simple and the mind had little to worry about in the way of life. Then came the teen years when social consciousness was budding and we began to be sensitive of how other people perceived us. We reminisced how sweet the forms of expression of affection were then; if people were into each other and wanted to express affection, they would have to make an effort to do so especially if they were living in different locations. We especially reminisced about the letters written on decorated stationery with love hearts and quotes fencing the lyrical words jotted down. Gone are those days; now the world is filled with a variety of ideas and media for expression of affection, some being very short but seemingly saying a lot: I ♥ U.

Snapping back to the present……

Recently, I took this test which promised to help me determine my language of love. So I answered a series of questions, which varied in the way they were posed but essentially gauged what kind of things make me feel loved or appreciated, the things that stroke my ego of endearment. I took the test whilst listening to country music, yes!, country music and it provided a fine soundtrack. Country songs are not only about gamblers and cowboys; sometimes they strike a chord with your heartstrings . Now back to my test…..

eeeeh....these are not my results

At the end of the test, I found out what genre of loving I fall into – apparently, my type is one that likes a little bit of this and that. To break it down, I ended up with three languages of love scoring close to each other – in fact, each a point a part. Now, for those who have read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you will know exactly what this test is all about.

Mr. Chapman talks about 5 love languages as: (1) Words of Affirmation; (2) Quality Time; (3) Gifts; (4) Acts of Service; (5) Physical Touch. Applied in many ways, all these lead to one fundamental thing in keeping any relationship alive – the expression of love. They also point to what should seem like the obvious: that expressions of love vary from person to person. I guess the reason for putting emphasis on this could be that sometimes, it is not that obvious to us when someone is expressing affection towards us and this can often-time bring discord.

It is said that the ways in which Eves and Adams love are not the same. Men and women are biologically different – not only when it comes to the body structure and appendages , but also when it comes to the wiring. This ultimately affects how Eves and Adams behave and communicate in relationships and even specifically, how they communicate their affection for each other. It is also said that Eves are more akin to expressing love verbally and also with actions whilst Adams are more likely to express their affection through actions. So sometimes, the discord comes from the expectation that by saying those three short words , giving gifts or writing a poem about how you feel, the same will be reciprocated.

Let’s take an example of an Eve who yearns to get a show of affection from her man. She tries to boost her chances of being shown love by doing certain things so that Adam will in turn reciprocate. Her culinary skills go beyond boiling – she whips up some exotic meals, buys him gifts, tells him that she loves him first, etc. After a while splurging this affection, she feels that he is not reciprocating as she imagined by saying those three ‘magical’ words or buying her gifts. Now, there may be a lot of negative reasons to speculate about this but it is also possible that her man may be showing his affection to her in ways she has not opened her eyes to – they each happen to speak different languages of affection. For example, this Adam may be spending a lot of time with her, maybe he has introduced her to his friends (and not as Wangeci from 3^rd floor ), may be runs small errands here and there for her, etc. So he may not exactly be using the 3 short words, but the message is the same and he is expressing his affection in different ways. (I have to say that sometimes, comprehending this makes my head hurt a little ).

What might help to improve this channel of communication is to share with your partner the things that make you feel appreciated and loved; for example, when your partner does something that makes your heart beat faster and enlarge to the size of a melon, let them know that they have done something that pleases you.

By and large, the audience that Mr. Chapman is addressing is one of couples that know they love each other and want to be coherent in their speech of love. Therefore, it is not IF they love each other but HOW they express that love and affection for each other. If you’re considering the IF element, then you will be well placed to read Vital Signs ;). It is also important to understand that there are situations where people give and give in relationships but actually receive very little or nothing back. Now, that is a relationship of emotional drainage and would need a lot of reconsideration.

We get into relationships with expectations, and there is nothing wrong with that as long as the expectations are reasonable (reasonable is relative so what is reasonable and what is not can be debatable). However, it is not uncommon to find that when it comes to this form of communication, one party may as well be an elephant trumpeting to a dove that only answers to a caressing coo; if that would be a mating call, I can assure you no action would be taking place . This is all about our love language – the way we communicate it and the way we want to be shown love and affection. For those who may be searching for an answer about this, the 5 love languages could be a starting point and it might help you be better prepared to receive when your significant other ‘speaks’ their love language(s).

Have an affectionate week!

By Joyce