Project 44 is taking a short Easter break and will be back on 16 April 2012.
For the Christians among us, hope this song inspires you.
Have a nice one!
PS. Please take time to read our past posts and readers’ comments that you may have missed out on.
I am an avid reader of Project 44. I applaud the work that the two Eves are doing, and they call it restoring sanity. I have forwarded the link to many of my friends who have attested to the fact that this blog is a breath of fresh air – although they might sound like a lone voice in a society that is infested with cynicism where relationship matters are concerned, every Monday, they treat us to a dose of good reading, humour, and at the same time, deep insights into real issues that bedevil relationships.
I have to agree that for some time now, I have been pessimistic about relationships. I have 
been through experiences which made me believe that relationships are a complete waste of time. Obviously, my feeling emanated from what I had gone through, not once but many times. However, even as I harboured these feelings, I found myself desiring to be in a relationship. As one of the posts here stated, the desire to want and be wanted is innate. Often times I asked myself “when is it gonna be my turn?” I was this person who was talking ill about relationships yet deep inside, longing to be in one and wondering who ran away with the code to a good relationship.
One of the pieces that I found interesting was the piece titled ‘The Song’. I realised that the reason why I was so negative about relationships is because I had ‘sang’ all manner of ‘songs’; every time when I thought the duet was going well, I was handed a new ‘song’. I can tell you for a fact that some of the notes I was expected to hit in those ‘songs’ are yet to be discovered. With time, I gave up. I became scared of the ‘stage’, I started to hate everything associated with relationships and without knowing, I became very negative and bitter.
However, we all know that you cannot lie to yourself. I had to come to a point of honesty with myself, to accept that much as relationships are hard to navigate, even if I 
have ‘sang‘ all manner of ‘songs’ to the point of my voice becoming hoarse, I could not pretend that I did not want to be in a relationship. So I went on what I called ‘the journey within’. This essentially entailed looking at my life and all Adams (only the serious ones) that I had dated or had been interested in, dissecting every relationship to see what the issues were, what I did and what I would now do differently. I have to be honest with you, when I looked at some of them, it was clear to me that from the word go that these Adams were a dead end and yet I pursued the relationships.
We all know that love is not the only reason why people get into relationships. Part of the reason why I pursued some of the relationships, to be plainly honest was that I was afraid of being alone. One of the Adams, for example, acted bizarre from the beginning yet I spent six months of my life trying to make it work. After I called it off, I felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted. However, for the other two Adams, we were just different people; we had our sights on different things and that is why we could not be paired harmoniously. I did not take my time to know them before committing – this is one mistake that many people make when they get into a relationship. I guess it needs to be said here that the fact that you like each other does not mean that you need to be in relationship.
During this ‘journey’, I came to the conclusion that often times, I invest a lot in a relationship, way too early to invest that much. I ignored that giving your all needs to be reciprocated. As you can tell, the Adams got into a comfort zone where they knew I would give my all to get the relationship going even when it was clear that they were drawing more than depositing into the relationship. With time, the account ran out. Many will say that I should have realised that these Adams were not enthusiastic about the relationship because if they were, the issue of investing too much would not arise. Admittedly, I now know.
Not literally !:)
Something else that came to the fore is that although it is not possible to discuss all important issues in a relationship from the very beginning, it needs to be clear from both parties what purpose the relationship is meant to serve. Why do you want to be in a relationship in the first place? If you are looking for a long term relationship and the other person just wants only the short benefits that come from being in a relationship, needless to say, you will ‘sing’ some very high, even odd notes my friend. No one is saying you should not have some, if you are not inhibited by anything; all I am saying is that you needto know what the other person wants. By the way, I think Eves have been told this time and time again but they do not listen. Eves, know this, for Adam, getting into the ‘cookie jar‘ is just an act. If he has not uttered those three little words, please do not expect them to come out simultaneously as he gets into or out of the ‘cookie jar’. This cannot be over emphasised – his feelings and his going in and out can be quiet incoherent!
So my ’journey’ concluded a few things as I have shared above. we all need to remember that if we want a relationship to work, we need to be honest with ourselves from the beginning. You need to know what you want so that when you meet it, you will recognise it. This will save you the agony of getting into wrong relationships which are bound to fail and then turn around and get bitter (like I was) when I failed.
I invite all of us who still want to be in a relationship to take a ‘journey’ by taking stock of all relationships that you have been in. Be brutally honest with yourself and this applies to Adams as well (Adams have also been through issues, it is just that they are not as vocal as Eves). I will not promise that every ‘journey’ will bring forth some revelations but it might be worth the try.
Reading this blog has reminded me a few things and has also cemented what I already knew; that relationships are hard work and yes, it is possible to be in a sound relationship. However, this hard work can only bear fruit if you are both working towards a common goal. If you harbour different views and or expectations, you can toil all you want, you will come out bitter and with unmet expectations.
I pen off, thanking Project 44 for the work well done, remaining true to the cause and keeping it fresh and fun.
By Marylyne G – Guest writer.
Wikipedia describes tumbleweed as “the above-ground part of a plant that, once mature and dry, disengages from the root and tumbles away in the wind. Usually, the tumbleweed is the entire plant apart from the roots, but in a few species it is a flower cluster”. Now you may wonder why Project 44 is venturing into an agricultural angle (remember when we wrote about zero-grazing? 
), but stick with me.
There is a lot of talk about how the rate of marriage is falling like a meteorite and the rate of dissolution of marriages is rocketing; I recently thought about all the pressure that some Eves and Adams are under to settle down and I was reminded of a comment that one of our guest writers and an avid fan said a couple of weeks ago in response to one of the posts by another guest writer. He said that “we must as individuals accept that the society is changing……………………….We cannot ignore that the so called development has had an impact on the family unit and by extension, the marriage institution”. (Charles, something else you said stuck with someone ).
Tumbleweed
I think that this societal change has also had an impact on the choice of whether to check oneself into the institution that is marriage, or even at the least, whether or not to make the choice to enter into any union at all. There are Eves and Adams out there who, probably on a brisk and sunny day with a little breeze blowing, decided that in life, they do not want to tie any knot with anyone. Then there are a number of Eves and Adams who may have reached that decision as a result of disappointments in their relationships gone; the past, as far as love and romance is concerned, is one that is heavily overshadowed by memories of cumulonimbus (remember those clouds that are responsible for rain, lightning and thunder?). Wherever they are coming from, they have arrived at the same juncture – they do not need to find the “burning bush moment” where “the one” will be revealed to them and therefore they have no intention of settling down. This is the point at which I thought about the tumbleweed – the maturity, disengagement and flying away in the wind – the free spirited-ness of it all.
There is a school of thought out there that believes that there is someone for everyone. There is also a school of thought that says that men and women were put here on earth to come together, be one, procreate and try to fill the earth. I aver that there is a school of thought out there that believes that marriage is not for everyone; that not everyone has to be paired up as was done at the time of Noah’s ark in order to flourish and survive in this world. The reason behind the pressure to settle down or marry is so that one is accepted as being capable of ‘holding their own’ as far as societal responsibilities are concerned; it is seen as a sign of maturity, never mind the double digits that one has covered in terms of years here on earth.
Often times, society’s perception is that it is those Eves who have made it career-wise that are not keen to settle down; the view is that, now that they have made it in the boardroom, conference room or simply behind the large mahogany desk, they feel self-sufficient and do not need a man to complete them. Somehow, this perception is usually less than positive. As time goes by, Eve will be known as a spinster and much as we try, that word cannot be mentioned or used without even a trace of disparaging inclination. If one is to flip the coin and look at a man who is well-off and has made his name in his trade, he is deemed to be positively unattached. The Adam who decides to live the single life and not settle down will be viewed as the eligible bachelor sought after by women. The world is not fair.
Noah's ark
Yes, companionship is great and no one wants to spend lonely days and nights alone but if certain Eves and Adams decide to live it out by themselves, I say they should be allowed to make this choice without pressure to fit into societal norms. It doesn’t mean that they are cynical about love and romance; it is just that they don’t feel that this recipe would work out for them. For the Eves and Adams who have made this choice, living with it is usually not a problem for them; it is those around them who find it difficult to accept and live with that decision and unfortunately, the Eve or Adam in questions probably has to undergo a lot of second or third degree treatment just because they chose not to go with the norm of society. As a result, some Eves and Adams in this category might find themselves in less than ideal situations where they have to come into some sort of arrangements in order to ward off raised eyebrows and unrelenting questions from society.
Choice is a great thing. We may not always agree with other people’s choices, but it is important to respect them all the same.
Have your say.
By Joyce
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” – Katherine Hepburn
I think I will not stand to be corrected neither receive any objection if I state here – categorically – that the nimbus phase is the only stage where Eve and Adam get together like a makuti house on fire. Nothing beats this phase of the relationship because everything is all bliss.
Exit this phase and the glaring differences between you and your love interest rear their heads and questions like ‘what happened?’, ‘why did he/she change?’ become the order of the day. We all know that maybe nothing happened; probably what you are now dealing with is a less active thalamus (smile), hormones have taken a back seat, the head (in the case of Adams, the one on your shoulders) is engaged and you are ‘sober’. Maybe the person did not change at all. It could be that you were so engrossed with your new love (or lust wearing love skin) that you did not notice that all was not as neatly woven as you had perceived.
Take for instance this episode of this Eve and Adam whose relationship seems to have subscribed to change, and not the kind that Obama promised (isn’t the journey of love a bit like a series ). Between you and me, this Eve professed that when they first kissed, it was fireworks – I call it ‘self-combustion’.
Unfortunately for them, the nimbus phase was short lived but during this phase, they had covered a lot of ground in so far as relationship orientation goes and there was no sign of an alarm at this point; they seemed to have struck a chord, in fact chords on the D major scale (? 
) and no discordance was registered. Now after this short while, something appeared to have changed – drastically. A number of things which had earlier been discussed started to become bones of contention. Adam told Eve (mainly through his actions) that he was not sure about certain things and in others, he took a completely different stance from what he had said earlier on. I could identify with this Eve’s dilemma for I have been there too (confession time and no sign of the cross required ). I have to say that in moments like these, it feels as though Hurricane Irene has hit and the centre is no longer holding.
Her Adam was acting strange, unsure about them, unclear about what he wanted – he was sending all manner of mixed and unclear signals. As I listened and shared with her, I concluded that a relationship can be likened to being a stage ready to deliver a duet. You both know the words, you know the tune and which genre it belongs to. You have both practiced it and there is no discordance. It was now clear, albeit for unclear reasons, that the song had been changed and she was probably wondering if she would get a script of the lyrics; instead, this Adam was telling her (with his actions) that she did not have to ‘sing’. This duet was no longer doing it for him.
Silence befell us and then she finally asked me what I thought the issue was. Admittedly, writing for Project 44 is one thing and pretending to know a lot about Eve and Adam and the dynamics that work for and against them is something else. So I drew from my own experience and told her that once upon a time, I dated an Adam (yeah, experience comes in handy) and in my view, I had thought our ‘duet’ was doing just fine. However, after a while, I was given a new ‘song’, whose lyrics I did not recognise; it sounded like techno to me (grin – I don’t like techno) – it was a deal breaker. She looked at me wanting an explanation, but this was no parable. It was her call.
Would you want to switch to techno even when all signs indicate that you really do not have to ‘sing’? ‘You are a big girl, you know what to do’, I told her.
So what do I think of this Eve and her situation? Well, I think her situation is not unique at all. If you have been in the maze, you know how this rat race can be draining. For that matter, I hold a position which is not different from what most Eves and Adams who know what they want hold – it is that human beings are not supposed to remain in inertia hence know that change is inevitable. One is allowed to take a different position from time to time; however, when it involves the fundamentals of a relationship or a complete departure from what had been communicated before, then there is a red flag at full mast and it is flapping furiously. You have been handed a new ‘song’.
The other position is that Eve and Adam need to get a point where he/she ask questions and does not relent until he/she get the answers that he/she needs in order to make a mature and informed decision. It is therefore up to the parties involved to try (I say try from experience (again!)); sometimes you never get to know what the real issue is/was -all you have to do is bolt from that stage before delivering a below average performance .
Have your say!
By Fridah
I am not an enthusiast of history; in fact, history sounds like a hive of bees droning in the space above and around me and unfortunately, it creates no buzz for me. As soon as I could, I dropped the history option in my O’Levels like a hot potato and said good riddance to the ennui of it all. History enthusiasts will differ with me but worry not, I am about to make history look a little bit sexy.
From the little I have read and watched about Cleopatra, there are many adjectives that have been used to describe her: a woman of great beauty (what about that large nose?), cunning and persuasive; some scholars and dare I say feminists will applaud Cleopatra for using her beauty, wit and knowledge to charm her way through life. Others might differ and say that Cleopatra was manipulative – that she used her beauty, wit and charm to wile others and get what she wanted. I am no historian or feminist, but I have heard it said that where a woman schemes, a man is seen to strategize and where a man commands, a woman is seen to manipulate.
Back to the present day, some Eves and Adams have mastered the art of manipulation – no, not the physical aspect (to handle or operate with the hands ) – but the psychological aspect: to adapt, change or influence to suit one’s purpose.
Manipulation plays to the psyche of a person in order to yield certain demands or reactions. Sometimes, when one partner is unhappy with something in a relationship or wants things to go in a different way, there is an inclination to resort to forms of manipulation such as pulling the waterworks (tears), provoking jealousy in order to get the ‘right’ attention, using flattery or exaggerated compliments, taking a partner on a guilt trip, withholding the cookie, silent treatment, etc.
Think of the example of a wife who stocks up the fridge and pantry with beer and nuts in order to get her hubby to stay home with her instead of hooking up with the boys. It would be difficult for her husband to explain why he needed to drink beer and pick on nuts in a bar. Apart from missing his mates (and the flirtatious waitress ), this man will feel manipulated into staying indoors and will soon feel asphyxiated. In essence, manipulation is an unfair way to get what you want and very possibly at the expense of another.
Manipulation involves a lot of mind games. Men can promise the world just to get a woman into bed but women can promise a man a lot in bedroom ways just to have things go their way. The truth is that in a game, there is always a winner and a loser. So whilst one partner may think they are having their cake and eating it, the danger is that the other partner may grow immune to such manipulation or even tire of the games. The likely result is that the relationship will have suffered more than gained.
One of the characteristics of manipulation in relationships is people who don’t want to deal with the truth – they are averse to tackling issues directly and go around in circles so that the other partner is left confused and wondering whether or not they have been involved in a witch dance of some sort. In the same vein, such people avoid responsibility in a relationship and always want to play – in short, things are always done ‘TO them’. Such persons may appear as very sensitive but in actual fact, they are on a constant unquenchable quest for empathy, mostly undeserved or unnecessary.
There are tons of tips out there, especially on the World Wide Web about how to manipulate your Eve or Adam and have your way with them. However, I doubt that there is enough advice on how to keep them after you have roped them in with your scheming ways but who knows, we can all get very creative!
I remember some time back reading a magazine article about manipulation in relationships and I have to say that I did not like what I read at the time. However, in hindsight I think that the article made sense and it was I who was not willing to accept what I was reading, or rather the realization of it all. The article talked about how people contribute to being manipulated in a relationship – whether it is at work, within the family or in a romantic relationship. People who manipulate others are good at identifying people they can control because there are certain characteristics that allow for that manipulation to take place. These characteristics are such as: people who feel loved or appreciated when they constantly do things for others; people who have a hard time saying no (and meaning it); people with low self esteem or who are constantly seeking approval, etc – you get the drift. The article was encouraging ‘enablers’ of manipulation to recognize these tendencies and do something about if they wanted their relationships to be less manipulative. This is what some people would call growth.
If you think of it, to succeed in manipulating the other, one needs a reasonable amount of thought to craft and execute the mind games. Wouldn’t it be better to put such thought and effort to work on open communication skills in the relationship that would more likely produce a win-win situation?
Have your say!
By Joyce
The stories coming from our newsrooms lately have not been in the least inspiring; stories about men being battered by their wives.
The jokes flying all over the place either casting aspersion on the unmanly fellows or taking jibes at the nature of women from certain parts of the country are totally missing the point.
The virulent punditry that is currently going on regarding the matter are in my opinion way off the mark; they are addressing the symptoms of a deeply entrenched malaise rather than going to the root. It is the way with us, Adams and Eves of Kenya – always responding in knee-jerks rather than deliberately charting out credible path to workable relationships.
Why would an Eve want to batter her spouse? Why would an Adam want to do the same? Beyond the dynamics that informs the personality or individual characteristics of each person which would either predicate them towards a tendency to violence or peace-making, it should be known that the resort to violence in any relationship is a sure sign of total and complete breakdown of a relationship’s raison d’être – love.
Lack of love or its abatement in a union has it roots in a plethora of reasons which this article can not possibly tackle in a 1,000 words. Suffice it to say that wrong foundation for marriage, marital ennui, domesticity and pursuit of ‘excitement’ outside the confines of ‘marital jail’ will quickly erode whatever bases of trust or love that a marriage is enshrined upon. The consequences are what we are today seeing manifested as wife/husband-battering.
In my opinion, the understanding of the roles, duties and responsibilities of couples very much is at the heart of unraveling the ‘mystery’ of functional relationships. Strictly speaking from a Christian perspective, every Adam has roles to play as a man (i.e. male), duties to undertake as a husband and responsibilities to attend to as a husband. Each Eve too has her roles, duties and responsibilities.
Before you consider this take as being either simplistic or being hair-splitting on the matter of roles, duties and responsibilities, consider the rendering of the functions Adams and Eves as we have always known them and the modern challenges that the reversal in those functions have created causing not quite a small amount of confusion never mind the heart-aches.
The man as I have said before has a role to play in order to redeem his manhood. My manhood, viewed from the Eve perspective will be strongly entrenched if I am capable of being tender and loving yet at the same time being firm in all the other areas where my authoritative input will be required. Tell me, which woman wants a sissy by her bedside? Again who wants a tyrant by her side? Balancing these acts will, believe you, define your manhood. Only, our Eve’s wont let us. The current trend is to make men understand that they have a feminine side to their nature and acceding to it is the right way out of many a life’s imbroglio. Tell that to the men at the helm of KDF who decided Al-Shabab needed a hiding.
The duty of loving a woman unbeknownst to the clueless will make or break a union. The last time I was here at Project 44, I stated that love for the woman is divine command. The practical side of carrying out this command makes it a duty; a heavy one. Say what you want but loving one woman as I have found out, giving out all that you are (and possibly all that you have) to the exclusive attention of her life is quite the chore. Trust me, I have been there and sometimes I have had to ask God why it has to be so hard to love a woman. Please, for a moment forget the mushy, lovey-dovey hormone induced fireworks that announces a relationship. Any Adam in a permanent relationship with an Eve today will bear with me about the uphill task that ‘love’ is.
Duties by their very nature are not pleasant. But they are duties nevertheless. And so loving her, come rain come shine, in weal and woe, till death do us apart is a duty I must faithfully fulfill if I want to make the marriage work. It is hard (and quitting is always not the best option) but fortunately it is not impossible.
Adam’s responsibilities in parenthood will ensure that the society gets to perpetuate itself through the upbringing of offspring who are healthy in every way possible. Generally, lawlessness and criminal tendencies are the offshoots of bad upbringing. Any Adam entering into a union with a woman and who is ready to create a human being out of that union should understand that he has God-granted responsibility to see to the upkeep of that child till it can fend for itself in adulthood. This might sound trite but the reality of our degenerating social norms points to the fact that men are not playing the father figure role that is naturally theirs.
Having said all that, let us look at the alternative being fronted as a cure to flailing relationship. Suddenly, single-by-choice motherhood is being fronted as a popular alternative to dead-a-life fatherhood. Career pursuit to the exclusion of everything else and the embrace of ‘friendship with benefits’ where no strings are attached to unions have also been touted and then there is the old tried route of divorce. All these can not and will never solve our troubled marriages. They are just that, alternatives. Unfortunately, the sanctity of human life and the brevity of our tenure on earth does not allow for such misinformed social experimentations. Not long after, we won’t even have a society to experiment with.
I truly, believe the Eves can tell us their side of the story of what they understand to be their roles, duties and responsibilities in a union seeing as I have not imposed my view on them by defining those for them.
As for me, I am convinced that the males being battered today can hack the tough jobs of redeeming their manhood. It is a hard task but as I said it can be done. Doing it will mean the end of a job for that joker at Maendeleo ya Wanaume nonsense!
Have your say.
By Jeff – Guest Writer
It’s been eight years, well not quite, but certainly heading there fast in a Lamborghini. Eight years since my clock had two hands. Eight years of groping around in the dark, trying to place my foot where I thought was safe, only to slip and get hurt or tumble down the hill, really breaking some bones in the process. Eight years of walking in the field of time alone, without a maiden by my side.
It had to stop, all this madness of being the frog that is kissed many times. This Adam had to put an end to what was fast becoming an unpleasant dating ordeal. I had to take a back seat and stop being naïve, try to comprehend the toll all this was having on me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even financially. Now I feel ready to step back into the game in pursuit of long term happiness. I now desire to put my foot out for I can see a ray of light down the tunnel, a glimpse of hope. Or is it?
Anyone’s decision and/or feeling of getting back in circulation have got to be examined properly. It is simple, really. Without dwelling on the past, you have to, nevertheless, look back at where you’ve come from to know where you are going. The thing is, many of us may never put a finger on exactly what we want, but we do know what we don’t want. It is not the ideal situation, but is a beginning. I have to ask you to take a little chill pill just before you get back in circulation and ask yourself, why were you out in the first place?
Was it a past hurt that held you back? Was it lack of interest or did you just want to have no strings attached relationships/ fun? Was it a perception that there is no good Adam or Eve left out there, or did you just feel it wasn’t the right time i.e. you opted to pursue further education or career first?
What was it, lifestyle? That you, being the furniture of every party, the personification of energy, loved your liquor so much it led you to horrible decisions and performances? That you, being a stud, could talk an Eve out of her pants and into your bed easy (any bed really), and with reckless abandon? Or did you, Eve, draw up a list of the kind of Adam you were looking, a list that gave you men you wanted, only for them to blast your heart into smithereens?
Many of us have a story or two for getting out of circulation and wanting to get right back in. Well whatever it is, you had better be back in circulation for a good cause, not to revenge for a missed youth or a hurtful past. This relationship thing is not a game.
Ask yourself what things you’ll stand for and what nonsense you cannot take, regardless of how sweet the offer sounds. Ask yourself whether you desire someone who is a jaguar in bed, who simply makes you the envy of your friends, or that who has a heart of gold, even if their physical attributes don’t really match your fantasy realms. Ask yourself whether you can resist the urge to pounce on that sizzling Eve, and just take time to know her for who she really is.
Get right on with it then with plenty of dates, ‘Socialize before you Specialize’, as my pastor would rightly put it. For Eves, date the tall guy and the short one, the moneyed one and the jobless one. Do not ‘fall in love’, rather seek to hear from them what they want of themselves and from a partner. All you are allowed to do is date, no more! What this does is give you an insight into many people’s different experiences and motivations. If you are lucky, it will give you the ability to read minds. Who wouldn’t want to be a clairvoyant?
In many cases as you get back in circulation, you have some wisdom, either because you are older or experienced or both. Still, do not get back to be a burden. Be mature, be right. And be ready, emotionally, having dealt with your past baggage. Be ready financially, spiritually, mentally et cetera. Be ready, and know what you do not want.
Better still, know what you want. Martin Luther King Jnr said that if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. If alcohol was a demon in your life that cost you a good chunk of your youthful years, why then would you want to go out with an Eve who loves her drink? However small an intake, an Adam would be better off with someone who does not imbibe, no?
We are at the mercy of our temperaments and rather than fight that, make it work for your good. If a cantankerous Adam expects you, the quiet type, to be as loud and aggressive as he is, please let the dates end. If the beautiful Eve you went out on a few dates with needs you to be like her father or worse, demands you to be her girlfriend, then it should be bye bye to her too.
Set high but realistic goals for your partner. Do not yield to someone who does not share your fervour for religion, but it is ok to yield to someone who does not like cheese as much as you do – it is called perspective. Know what values, principles, preferences strike a chord within you, know what you are willing to compromise on, and know when to settle down and stop circulating.
I could sit here and write reams and reams of paper filled with advice, but I will not. Whatever you do, use these two little words: common sense.
Have your say.
By Munene Gangi – Guest Writer
The guest writer’s blog: Munene Gangi – Have A Cold Blast of Realism
