Life is Beautiful

Amidst the confusion that life had shored her way, and feeling that she had to start all over again, Eve replayed “Your heart is smiling, you are warm on the inside, there is a new longing and yearning, feels right, you found it! Pursue happiness. To deny the innate desire to want and be wanted is to deny existence”.

Yes, I know this introduction is very confusing; it is part of a Skype chat with a certain Eve. Don’t you just appreciate technology?

She is venting and strategizing because the guy she had started having kids with (in her head that is) has unceremoniously, surprisingly, insensitively pulled the plug. She did not think that this particular Adam was wired that way. But remember that ‘Everything is prewired phylogenenically’; meaning that – and this is profound – species of the same group have the same predetermined coding and therefore evolve the same way. It is the same pedigree:)

A long time friendship between this Eve and the Adam in question had turned steamy. They had reconnected after almost half a decade of non-communication punctuated by occasional phone calls. Their friendship dates back to high school but now, the scenario is different – both are leading fulfilling lives, setting the stage for a pull in the ‘settling’ direction. [The number of relationships that start first by mentioning ‘settling’ never really settle, just an observation :)]

Amid flirtatious chats, Adam tells Eve that he had always fancied her; she believes him because they had a ‘semi-platonic’ relationship and none of them thought it would lead to a deep relationship hence there was never any pressure to impress the other. Now continents away, texting and occasional trans-Atlantic phone calls is their mode of communication. They seem to be reading from the same book and both tend to bank everything on the fact that they are/were friends who genuinely like(d)each other. He seemed very keen on her and on many occasions, called her ‘a gem worth having’.

Whether jokingly or not, Adam had talked some very deep stuff (as deep as kids, how deeper can it get?). Then something happened and the guy went quiet, he was no longer the hunter. He stopped texting and when he did, the texts bordered on civil, (I do not want to call them meaningless); the kind of text he would send to just about anybody. Something like ‘Hey, how are you?; I am well and work was slow today; Good night’ – the type that leaves you thinking ‘and this is related to what exactly’?

On her part, she was not texting him a lot either, and the reason for lull in communication on her end was that she realized they were making plans and promises yet they hadn’t seen each other for ages. She wanted to meet him first before laying serious ‘ground work’. But she realized that actually, both sides had cooled off so she inquired from him via text – ‘Why are you so quiet on me lately’? And boom came the bomb!

The same guy who had talked about them settling down together gave an answer which would throw even the new breed of Eve into disarray.

Adam: ‘I am just getting confused by a pal of mine here, as we get to know each other slowly’

Eve: “OK, good to know and I wish you well on that front”

Evidently, Adam had abandoned ‘their book’ quarter way and bolted.Someone else had, in the twinkle of an eye, caught his fancy. (You are strongly advised to smile because you cannot frown – we don’t have enough Botox in the world these days:)) and the fact that he was open about it was no mean feat.

Eve is taken aback and the temptation was to ask him why he had changed his mind about them, but she felt she did not have the energy to dig into ‘the why’. People have rights.

Adam: ‘are you mad at me? Are you dismissing me?”

Even this Adam must have wondered which breed of Eve this was. Didn’t she want to seek for answers?

On this Skype chat, Eve was wondering how she should handle the whole ‘situation’ in order to avert an imminent emotional blow-up. On second thought she decided to hold up her own. Rules of engagement allow her to be upset BUT not wiping dignity from the face of the earth. And well, Adam had spoken, so it was time for Eve to respond.

Eve: “I am not mad at you. You found it, makes you warm on the inside, makes your heart smile, ignites a new longing and yearning, challenges your intellect, feels right, found it! Pursue happiness. To deny the innate desire to want and be wanted is to deny existence”

Eve does not know if his new catch is ‘all that’, and her response is vague enough to almost mean nothing. However she felt that she needed to send a message that she would not in anyway be reminding him that they ‘complete each other’s sentences’ and therefore should be together. To lighten the chat, I told her in conclusion that “one good male for every good female” is a mirage; if that were the case, we would all rattle our way to our ‘ribs’ (in this case, our mates) like Ezekiel with the valley of dry bones (for those who have a Biblical inclination).

But i could not help but conclude that to think that one would control the way someone else thinks, acts and believes is to live in utopia.All the same, Life is beautiful; chances (for new jobs, new relationships, new alliances, etc) are NOT in short supply.

By Fridah

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Rebound Relationships

Rebound relationships are characteristically coded as negative, seen as  going into another relationship being neither ready to let go of the previous relationship or to enter into a new one. Lingering feelings from the broken relationship or unresolved issues are seen to cloud any judgment of new feelings towards the next Eve or Adam. A relationship started in the rebound timeline is usually seen as a house built of hay (remember the English folktale of the Three Little Pigs that built a house out of hay? :)).

It is generally perceived that a rebound relationship is one in which a person enters into consciously or unconsciously to avoid dealing with the feelings, usually difficult, of a just ended relationship. A relationship that has come to an end will usually elicit negative feelings: feelings of sadness, rejection, remorse, disappointment, etc. Even where the end of a relationship can bring relief to one or both parties (good riddance to bad things), there is almost always some sense of dejection, even if it is short-lived or late in coming.

One trouble with rebounding is that you could be headed for the ‘déjà vu’ relationship, without necessarily seeing it. Some of the things that attracted you to your previous partner(s) may be the same things that draw you into the rebound relationship; however, your senses only pick up the excitement, fun, newness and forget to see the telltale signs that you are supposedly walking away from. That may be a tricky part of the journey, one that may take some time to see.

Now, it is said that people should not enter into rebound relationships because they are not ready for a commitment after breaking up with someone else. I tend to agree; walking out of one relationship immediately into another one for commitment is like walking off the sand on the shore and expecting to walk on water without drowning; you need something to keep you afloat and at such a time, your swimming skills may not be at the astute level you need them to be.

There are many reasons why people enter into rebound relationships: they may have met someone interesting, they may be looking for quick healing, may be they just want to have fun and not wallow in the sad aftermath of a lost relationship, they may be looking for a boost to their self esteem, etc. So it comes as no surprise that people may choose to enter into so called rebound relationships and although they get a lot of bad press, let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are some affirmative things to be said about relationships in the rebound timeline. For one, they are new relationships; we all know how new relationships can be. They evoke feelings of excitement, attraction, they tag at those strings inside us that say “I am wanted’; sometimes, they counteract the very negative feelings that one may have after a broken relationship. That can lead to a lot of fun, sometimes messy fun but it is this thrill that draws people into such a relationship.

So take it for what it is. This is not to say that a rebound relationship cannot morph into something serious – ask Shania Twain – she’s seven years into her rebound marriage :). Sometimes, people enter into rebound relationships without revealing that they have just walked out of another relationship and when things go astray, the negative feelings that they felt are only echoed. Some of the best advice I have heard about entering into a rebound relationship is to be honest with the other person about it. Sure you may fret that they may walk away when you tell them, but if they choose to stick around, at least they know where you’re coming from.

It might also to help to take things slow and get to know each other, be open about feelings of insecurity or worry about the future of the relationship.

Have your say!

By Joyce

How To Lose A Woman In Seconds

Adam, if you are having second thoughts about a certain Eve you’ve been seeing and you’re looking for a way to let her go, this is not it……BUT read on as it will come in handy with the woman you want. After being submitted to a great misfortune of seeing a couple kissing at the back of a bus one evening, it was imperative that we have a say on this. [Yes, they do that in Nairobi these days and it probably comes with the elusive promise of an upgrade to a metropolis :)].

This Eve was seemingly seriously smitten by her Adam (why else would you invade public privacy by displaying affection inside a bus?). She turned towards Adam, who had his eyes customarily shut (what a romantic!) and as he closed in on her face, his anaconda of a tongue rolled out and did what only in his world would be considered as kissing. I recoiled, looked away horrified and hoped that she was getting something else out of this!

Never underestimate the power of a kiss: with very few exceptions, a kiss is a major determinant for Eves on whether they would like to take things to the next level. Eve may already have thought about having kids with you in the future or letting you into the cookie jar, but if all an Adam can conjure up is a bad kiss, Eve is likely to pull emergency excuses out of her purse faster than Caster Semenya sprints off after the gunshot! Whilst for Adams it is easy to get past a bad kiss and eagerly move on to the next base, most Eves find it hard to get past a bad kiss. It is the key to the abundance of sensual possibilities and therefore the thought in our heads is ‘if he can’t master the art of kissing, what hope is there for other manual expressions?’

In the same vein that Adam finds it hard to tell Eve that he is just not that into her and lets her read the wall, Eve too finds it is extremely difficult to tell Adam that he is a lousy kisser – so read the signs. She avoids your mouth and may be moves on to other parts of your body; she never initiates kissing or the kiss ends as soon as it starts, and if she tells you that you should just be friends after the first kiss, please know that hope may be in the ICU.

In case you are wondering what constitutes a bad kiss, here’s a start: stop licking her face, Eve does not have an affinity for drool; don’t excavate the rear of her buccal cavity – she has a dentist for that; and those repeated loud smacks?, lose them, you are no woodpecker. And by the way, if it is a kiss in public, why is your tongue out in the first place?

The good news is that all is not lost. Some Eves will ‘coach’ their Adams in the hope that he’s a good and quick learner and the day is saved. But this class might quickly translate into a ‘failed launch’ if Adam is not aware of the tips above, below and elsewhere. There are a lot of helpful tips out there on how to fine tune kissing techniques, so Adams search and ye shall find. (A search engine produces 1,700,000 results in 0.7 sec!!)And we all thought that global warming, volcanic ash and financial crisis were the top most worries in the planet today?

image from bluemantshirts.com

Here’s a start: whilst this may be almost as impossible as sneezing with your eyes open, it might be worth opening your eyes at some point; you might lock eyes and make everything that much more intimate. At the least, you may be able to read if you need to up your kissing game. If you feel her changing the kissing act, follow the lead. Keep the hardest bone in the body (your teeth!) out of the game. And if you realize your act isn’t working, just ask her what she likes, you will score points for it – promise. 

Eves, the call here is for you to give helpful tips to Adams [the scathing dissection sessions can be side-splitting, but we could do with less of them 🙂

Smouldering Embers

You are probably wondering what this topic is all about. Maybe you are wondering what an ember has to do with Eves and Adams. We are talking about the ex (kaa lisilopoa moto :)). It is interesting just how some of these analogies can send you cracking in laughter.

Every Eve and Adam has a vault (some with horrific ghosts of the past that would make phantoms in horror movies look like angels). An ex is a phenomenon; you liked the person enough to date them; you probably even loved them. But what is it that makes an ex such an explosive topic to discuss so much so that they receive more attention than Iran’s nuclear program? Why is it that the mention of an ex evokes such emotions (positive or negative)?

So what are we supposed to do with our exes? It is not easy to answer this question, because all relationships are different; they evolve differently and end differently. Some end with so much drama, they should have Latina soap operas based on them, and others with such respect and mutual consent that it is hard to tell if there were ever any special feelings between the involved parties. Project 44 can confidently say that the latter is an extremely rare occurrence :).

‘Ex’ means the ‘past’,’ finished’ yet it is not rare to find Eves & Adams still intertwined with their exs in one way or another. If you are not in another relationship, an ex becomes even more dangerous. You might end up looking up to him/her to fulfill your current needs (real or imagined). You might be bored on Saturday and suddenly the times you spent with your ex start to replay in your mind like a movie and re-enactment does not seem like a bad idea. This is why an ex can be so much trouble and some Eves and Adams can never really say that they have reached a point of real closure with an ex. (If you are still friends on Facebook, and you know each other’s updates or you are waiting for him or her to poke you back, ask yourself why).

If you are in a relationship, maintaining contact with your ex is surely courting trouble. That is unless you have an honest discussion with your other half and he or she has no objection (for which we will advice that she or he should get their head examined – Adams, yes, the head on your shoulders! :)). If your ex decides to call you at a time when you do not expect him or her to, then you need to freshen up your ‘emergency preparedness’, because you might have a disaster of larger proportion than Hurricane Katrina.

We cannot change our past; we can only determine how our past affects our future. It would be terrible to have the ghost of your ex all over your life. This makes it impossible to move on and be in a functional relationship with someone else when all you are thinking about is what ‘would have been’ with your ex. (remember that ‘it isn’t’). Is it possible to forget what ‘would have been’ and focus on ‘what is’?

Although every relationship is different, all our hearts and emotions are the same, we want to love and be loved. Since most of us are either looking for fulfilling relationships or are in a fulfilling relationship and want to maintain them, then it follows that we need advice on how to deal the ex factor. No one wants a dormant volcano that will spew ash in Icelandic proportions.

Here’s one to start with and we invite readers to share some more.

1. If you know that you no longer want to be with him or her, then you need to cut loose and get some closure. You may need to cut all forms of communication with your ex in order to give yourself the headspace to get closure. For eves, this includes cutting off the benefits of the cookie jar (have you heard of the book ‘If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs?’ and for Adams, it means that crash landings will have to be stopped.

Have your say!

By Joyce