Smouldering Embers

You are probably wondering what this topic is all about. Maybe you are wondering what an ember has to do with Eves and Adams. We are talking about the ex (kaa lisilopoa moto :)). It is interesting just how some of these analogies can send you cracking in laughter.

Every Eve and Adam has a vault (some with horrific ghosts of the past that would make phantoms in horror movies look like angels). An ex is a phenomenon; you liked the person enough to date them; you probably even loved them. But what is it that makes an ex such an explosive topic to discuss so much so that they receive more attention than Iran’s nuclear program? Why is it that the mention of an ex evokes such emotions (positive or negative)?

So what are we supposed to do with our exes? It is not easy to answer this question, because all relationships are different; they evolve differently and end differently. Some end with so much drama, they should have Latina soap operas based on them, and others with such respect and mutual consent that it is hard to tell if there were ever any special feelings between the involved parties. Project 44 can confidently say that the latter is an extremely rare occurrence :).

‘Ex’ means the ‘past’,’ finished’ yet it is not rare to find Eves & Adams still intertwined with their exs in one way or another. If you are not in another relationship, an ex becomes even more dangerous. You might end up looking up to him/her to fulfill your current needs (real or imagined). You might be bored on Saturday and suddenly the times you spent with your ex start to replay in your mind like a movie and re-enactment does not seem like a bad idea. This is why an ex can be so much trouble and some Eves and Adams can never really say that they have reached a point of real closure with an ex. (If you are still friends on Facebook, and you know each other’s updates or you are waiting for him or her to poke you back, ask yourself why).

If you are in a relationship, maintaining contact with your ex is surely courting trouble. That is unless you have an honest discussion with your other half and he or she has no objection (for which we will advice that she or he should get their head examined – Adams, yes, the head on your shoulders! :)). If your ex decides to call you at a time when you do not expect him or her to, then you need to freshen up your ‘emergency preparedness’, because you might have a disaster of larger proportion than Hurricane Katrina.

We cannot change our past; we can only determine how our past affects our future. It would be terrible to have the ghost of your ex all over your life. This makes it impossible to move on and be in a functional relationship with someone else when all you are thinking about is what ‘would have been’ with your ex. (remember that ‘it isn’t’). Is it possible to forget what ‘would have been’ and focus on ‘what is’?

Although every relationship is different, all our hearts and emotions are the same, we want to love and be loved. Since most of us are either looking for fulfilling relationships or are in a fulfilling relationship and want to maintain them, then it follows that we need advice on how to deal the ex factor. No one wants a dormant volcano that will spew ash in Icelandic proportions.

Here’s one to start with and we invite readers to share some more.

1. If you know that you no longer want to be with him or her, then you need to cut loose and get some closure. You may need to cut all forms of communication with your ex in order to give yourself the headspace to get closure. For eves, this includes cutting off the benefits of the cookie jar (have you heard of the book ‘If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs?’ and for Adams, it means that crash landings will have to be stopped.

Have your say!

By Joyce


5 thoughts on “Smouldering Embers

  1. I say an ex is an ex…..he or she stays in the past unless you have other things that tie you together in certain ways (if you’ve had kids, bought a boat together ;), etc). There’s a reason why he or she is an ex and unless the issues that drove you apart are resolved, I say don’t court trouble.

  2. I must say, the metaphor you’ve got going on in the title is pretty immense. Not to metion the Swahili derivative of the same. Kudos! That said, I think that the line on “… you need to freshen up your ‘emergency preparedness’…” totally killed it! I couldn’t agree more!

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