The Eve/Adam in the Mirror

We are all different folks, and therefore what we look for in relationships is bound to be different but there are some fundamentals that are common. For those who watch wedding shows, you must be intrigued by the segment where the bride and groom are asked what made them choose each other as life partners; some answers are varied but you can be sure to hear things like ‘he is a nice, caring, loving and understanding man’ or ‘she has a nice smile and she makes me happy’…….., etc now, back to the dating scene.

Ask any Eve about what she would want in a soulmate; some Eves will give you the classic ‘tall, dark and handsome’ reply whilst others will have a script of qualities that could roll from here to Siberia and back. Ask Adam what he is looking for in Eve and whilst most Adams have their lists, they are arguably much shorter than Eves’.

The other day I was listening to Michael Jackson’s Man In The Mirror and I wondered what  the picture of things would be if cards were flipped and Eves and Adams were asked if they recognize these characteristics they look for in themselves; I bet there would be some hesitation here and there; some unchecked boxes and half ticks.

Enough said!

Whilst it is true that no Eve or Adam should end up with a carbon copy of herself/himself, it is also true that partners should have similar values and principles. Take for example the fact that most women have always said that they want a confident (not arrogant) man. However, Eves do not always exude confidence, especially when it comes to physical appearance. The reason why we wish to change the bits and bobs of our bodies to feel sexier, and hence more confident, is because that is the message that society bombards us with. Commercials tell us all the time that we don’t look good enough – our hair is not straight enough, we are not slim enough, we are too wrinkled, too short, too this, not that enough, etc. Apart from talk shows, there are no commercials trying to sell us confidence and love for ourselves – obviously, this kind of marketing does not rake in the millions for advertisers. Enter the self-motivation books and magazine articles.

Those who read self-motivation and actualisation books in search of the golden path to love and fulfillment will attest to the fact that most of these books start out with a chapter dedicated to loving yourself.  Arguably, the relationship you have between ‘you and yourself’ is what is referred to as a template for other relationships in your life. It would be nice for an Adam or Eve to come along and make you feel that you are worth all that and more, but really, they should/would only be reaffirming what you feel about yourself. Yes, he or she may come and ‘complete you’, but you must have some kind of life going on to be completed in the first place.

It is said that confidence is the sexiest any woman can wear. So if Eve wants Adam to be of a confident nature, it follows that Eve should exude some confidence too. Adam, if you are looking for a respectful type of Eve, it follows that you should carry this value and treat yourself with dignity and respect; only then can you treat Eve with the similar dignity and respect.

It is not possible to be happy in a relationship if you are not true to yourself. By focusing on yourself and being genuine, you will in a better position to be authentic to the values and commitments you want in a relationship. If you are true to yourself and present this to others, then you relieve yourself of the perceived obligation to be perfect. You just need to put your own good/best self forward. It will also relieve expectations that you may have on your partner that you may not even be able to step up to.

Many Adams and Eves will acknowledge that they are critical of their flaws, override many of their needs, take for granted their positive attributes and accomplishments, and generally devote little time or attention to connecting with their own hearts and spirits. The same people who are seeking true love and appreciation do not always know how to offer it to themselves.

Now if you are not happy with yourself, how will make you make your partner happy? You may think to yourself that it is not your job to be make another person happy – well, good point! Take your own advice and find your own happiness. Only then can you appreciate it or even recognise it when it comes your way dressed up as an eligible Adam or Eve.

Smile. Have your say.

By Joyce

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15 thoughts on “The Eve/Adam in the Mirror

  1. Mmmhh …………..very few people are true to themselves- we ask of our partners that which we cannot/are not giving.That said,i agree,confidence is sexy-but as you say confidence should not be confused with arrogance.

    “If you are true to yourself and present this to others, then you relieve yourself of the perceived obligation to be perfect. You just need to put your own good/best self forward. It will also relieve expectations that you may have on your partner that you may not even be able to step up to” well said and i would add that while we put our best foot forward,we should be alive to the imperfections that will inevitably show even in the ‘best foot ‘ 🙂

  2. I have always been told that in marriage, opposites attract. So if I am not confident, I get one who is to kind of balance me off… But does this hold in as far as some attributes are concerned, e.g Does one who is not truthful need the opposite or do they need to sort themselves first?

    • Thanks for dropping by. Suffice to say that the saying doesn’t apply to marriage and relationships wholesomely. There are some elements where opposites attract, but it is also true that there are common values that people should hold for a relationship to thrive, such as trust, honesty.

  3. Another fine example of the good writing that we have come to love on this blog. Your points are clean and clear-cut and it is easy to follow in the flow. The similar values and principles idea explains affinities and attractions other than the more obvious ones.

    Let me stand aside here and say that I have always found difficulty with the concept of “self-help” books, per se. Please do not get me wrong; I am all for wider reading: Every single book ever written is a self help book, I am doing more Help to my Self reading this blog, pour example, than any of the thousands of stated self-help books that cover the bookshelves up and down the land. Yes these are self help books…for authors and publishers, ofcourse

    As Linda Creed put it : learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all….

    • Thanks Woolie. As you say the message is basically the same but it just comes packaged in various ways. We all draw our inspiration and lessons in different ways, Project 44 is one of the better ones ;).

  4. The only Self-help/Motivational book I’ve ever read the end is Covey’s ‘The Seven Habits…’ I’ve never felt the need to read another coz I’m afraid of being a positivism junkie, spewing endless tit-bits of high sounding encouraging spiel and pretending like life comes up all-wrapped in your bootstraps which you just need to tug at for you to attain anything of value; I am a bad realist in a way. So, i won’t be reading the secret nor will I watch the flick version.

    However, in one of the habits, ‘First things first’, I think, Covey lays it all down pat. It’s the fundamentals, silly. If the fundamentals are wrong, nothing thereafter will ever be right. Any Adam and Eve before they foul up the Eden of marital-bliss with their unreasoned hormone-driven vows need to take a step back and query the fundamentals of their relationship. To do that, as you say Joyce will need to be true to ourselves.

    And therein, as the bard would say lies the rub. Not many an Adam and an Eve loves the image on the other side of the mirror. In so avoiding the truth displayed from the other side of the mirror, the language of compromise invades a relationship and a house of card is built with the assumption that all storms of life will be fooled into giving the card house a miss.

    Nice stuff

    • This is food for thought Kidikibudi
      “Any Adam and Eve before they foul up the Eden of marital-bliss with their unreasoned hormone-driven vows need to take a step back and query the fundamentals of their relationship” good stuff.
      And it got me thinking ………….”the fundamentals” 🙂

  5. I agree that it isn’t my job to make any stranger happy. It’s absurd that people go through life waiting for other people to ‘comlete’ them; I think it’s a completely foolish notion.

  6. No one will ever complete u, so love urself first, if someone love u after that, it’s a bonus…live n be happy with urself coz of all the relationships u can have, it’s the relationship with your self that will last forever…

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