We are all different folks, and therefore what we look for in relationships is bound to be different but there are some fundamentals that are common. For those who watch wedding shows, you must be intrigued by the segment where the bride and groom are asked what made them choose each other as life partners; some answers are varied but you can be sure to hear things like ‘he is a nice, caring, loving and understanding man’ or ‘she has a nice smile and she makes me happy’…….., etc now, back to the dating scene.
Ask any Eve about what she would want in a soulmate; some Eves will give you the classic ‘tall, dark and handsome’ reply whilst others will have a script of qualities that could roll from here to Siberia and back. Ask Adam what he is looking for in Eve and whilst most Adams have their lists, they are arguably much shorter than Eves’.
The other day I was listening to Michael Jackson’s Man In The Mirror and I wondered what the picture of things would be if cards were flipped and Eves and Adams were asked if they recognize these characteristics they look for in themselves; I bet there would be some hesitation here and there; some unchecked boxes and half ticks.
Whilst it is true that no Eve or Adam should end up with a carbon copy of herself/himself, it is also true that partners should have similar values and principles. Take for example the fact that most women have always said that they want a confident (not arrogant) man. However, Eves do not always exude confidence, especially when it comes to physical appearance. The reason why we wish to change the bits and bobs of our bodies to feel sexier, and hence more confident, is because that is the message that society bombards us with. Commercials tell us all the time that we don’t look good enough – our hair is not straight enough, we are not slim enough, we are too wrinkled, too short, too this, not that enough, etc. Apart from talk shows, there are no commercials trying to sell us confidence and love for ourselves – obviously, this kind of marketing does not rake in the millions for advertisers. Enter the self-motivation books and magazine articles.
Those who read self-motivation and actualisation books in search of the golden path to love and fulfillment will attest to the fact that most of these books start out with a chapter dedicated to loving yourself. Arguably, the relationship you have between ‘you and yourself’ is what is referred to as a template for other relationships in your life. It would be nice for an Adam or Eve to come along and make you feel that you are worth all that and more, but really, they should/would only be reaffirming what you feel about yourself. Yes, he or she may come and ‘complete you’, but you must have some kind of life going on to be completed in the first place.
It is said that confidence is the sexiest any woman can wear. So if Eve wants Adam to be of a confident nature, it follows that Eve should exude some confidence too. Adam, if you are looking for a respectful type of Eve, it follows that you should carry this value and treat yourself with dignity and respect; only then can you treat Eve with the similar dignity and respect.
It is not possible to be happy in a relationship if you are not true to yourself. By focusing on yourself and being genuine, you will in a better position to be authentic to the values and commitments you want in a relationship. If you are true to yourself and present this to others, then you relieve yourself of the perceived obligation to be perfect. You just need to put your own good/best self forward. It will also relieve expectations that you may have on your partner that you may not even be able to step up to.
Many Adams and Eves will acknowledge that they are critical of their flaws, override many of their needs, take for granted their positive attributes and accomplishments, and generally devote little time or attention to connecting with their own hearts and spirits. The same people who are seeking true love and appreciation do not always know how to offer it to themselves.
Now if you are not happy with yourself, how will make you make your partner happy? You may think to yourself that it is not your job to be make another person happy – well, good point! Take your own advice and find your own happiness. Only then can you appreciate it or even recognise it when it comes your way dressed up as an eligible Adam or Eve.
Smile. Have your say.