Foreplay After 30

You’re probably wondering if Project 44 is going to advice you on how to get your groove on……………and yes, we’ll attempt to do that but not in the kamasutra sense!

Let’s face it, by the time you hit 30 and you are still single, most Eves and some Adams have war stories to tell! They say that all is fair in love and war, hence the search goes on but the ‘battlefield’ is far from level.

Big Ben

For one, Eves who are 30 and over begin to be labeled as if they are goods whose sell-by-date is just round the corner but not yet confirmed. There is no end to the labels hanging over the single-30-plus Eves: Ms. Super Independent, Ms. Too Cute in Her Twenties but now 30 and Desperate, Ms. Domineering, Ms. Career Woman, Ms. Ticking Biological Clock, etc (these may be used in combination) and there is a list of warnings that come with these labels.
Adams, on the other hand, are just Adams. Ripening in their time and waiting to pluck the Eves of their choice. Or so we have been led to think. Luckily for them, there is no Big Ben pounding loudly in the background reminding them of the fragility of their fertility (their swimmers are safe for life unless otherwise advised by a certified physician!)

I recently paid a lot of attention to a ‘relationship expert’ talk about and compare dating in your 20s and after 30. I was interested, but with a raised eyebrow as I thought the doctor was treading on glass here ;): how could he? For example, if we look at matters beauty for Eves in their 20s, everything is ‘in place’. There is no need for rubbing those creams here and there, the youthfulness of the 20s just glows on. For Eves in their 30s, it is hard to simply ignore those adverts and shops stands selling all manner of lifting, age-defying, wrinkle-elimination creams; they acquire a whole new meaning as gravity becomes an entire phenomenon :). Anyway, according to the great doctor, dating in the 30s is very different from dating in the 20s (except for those who ended up tying the knot or making other forms of commitment). In the 20s, life is less complicated and you are carrying less baggage. You are likely to have a more carefree attitude.

In the 30s, life is busier, it is likely that you have some baggage, are looking for long-term compatibility and have little time for ‘incoherence’ (Project 44 jargon for all manner of incomprehensible confusion in relationships 🙂 ). You are likely to know exactly or more or less what you want, be more self assured and based on your experiences before 30, you are better skilled to discern people. In or past the third decade, you have most likely been disappointed and hurt and therefore, in essence, you feel there is more at risk. You don’t want to waste time with the wrong person never mind kissing more frogs and toads.

Skilled at discerning

The only similarity that the great doctor put between dating in your 20s and dating after 30 is that you still have to have a pool of possible suitors and then choose from there. In your 20s of course, you have aeons to sort out the riff raff and try to find the jewel; they can come and go. In your 30s and later, for Eves, you will have to shorten the sorting time out – considerably! It is at this point that the doctor ceased being great and I wanted to scream out at the television at levels that the national environmental agency would be less than impressed with! Does he know that there are Eves and (an unquantifiable but lesser number of Adams) who don’t even meet impossible suitors…….? What did he mean by a ‘pool’, because all I heard was ‘ocean’ ;)!

After calming down much later, I thought about what he had said. The truth is that, Eve or Adam, you still have to put yourself out there. The risk with being self assured in your 30s is you are likely to fall into the comfort zone. You are established in your ways and have less patience if the shoe begins not to fit. But, if you are not in the game, how can expect to play and ‘ponyoka na pick up’ (take off with the prize for those not versed in Swahili)? Relax and enjoy the ride; you may be under pressure but, Eves, consider that it’s very difficult for men to fall in love and envision a future while the woman is acting urgent and figuratively looking at the huge clock on her wrist? It’s also time to open your mind; you’re going to meet people who have a different set of issues than people dating in their 20s; most people will have a fair share of issues to deal with based on previous experiences, assuming they were not just lone rangers waiting to hit 30 and get into a frantic search for a special someone. In other words, in their search, they have experiences, some good and some not very good.

As for Adams, stop sitting on the ‘ruracio’ (the dowry) and find your Eve, won’t you :)?

Have your say ! 🙂

By Joyce


24 thoughts on “Foreplay After 30

  1. “Tick frickin’ Tock’!!! ha ha ha “Luckily for them, there is no Big Ben pounding loudly in the background reminding them of the fragility of their fertility (their swimmers are safe for life unless otherwise advised by a certified physician!)”
    I like the picture of Eve with the clock at the back of her head ( i think it should move to the forehead) and with Adam under a serious microscope…..and is that a bird ringing the bell? life is hard !:D
    Nice one!

  2. I have to say that sometimes you are not looking at the clock…as in with time you forget that the clock exists or choose sanity and decide to ignore it..other people remind you to LOOK at it !!! 😀

    • @Famooz, that is why it has been likened to the Big Ben because as much as you may not look at the clock, it seems to be in everyone else’s purview 😉

  3. Great read right there. I think after 30, the singles feel like they are stepping into a landmine field and have to get out of singlehood pretty fast; the desperados, you know. And like @Famooz says, at times you are forced to look at the clock. I think that 30-year barrier is more or less like our boundaries or the equator; you know its there, but nothing major changes, apart from your perception and other people’s imposed pressures.

    But, its true, both Eves and Adams need to be open minded as they get into their 30s. I love this part, gave me a good laugh; As for Adams, stop sitting on the ‘ruracio’ (the dowry) and find your Eve, won’t you 🙂 ? Good stuff!

    • Thanks Munene!….I like your analogy of the landmine field and the equator. Sometimes it feels like past 30, Eves and Adams are huddled into one enclosed space, the rush to get out is big but the exit point is small ;).

  4. Life does throw us some curves and saving-the-world-before-I-am-thirty can become quite a challenge. So instead of living on the margins of unattainable-before-thirty shattered dreams or straggling on the edgy highway of keeping-up-with-the-Joneses who did it before year three-oh, why don’t we just sing with the song writer who sang Age ain’t nothing But a Number.

    • Whilst Eves and Adams try to sing along to ‘Age aint nothing but a number’, it is the choirs of clocks chiming around that drown out the singing! May be someone should sing a dirge for them…..the clocks ;).

  5. Nice piece..
    I don’t hear any clocks or feel short of time. I think my angst is more out of feeling that I am in the right space in time, but my would be Adam is nowhere in sight.. it has less to do with time or age or vanishing fertility, but more to do with an innate desire to be in a meaningful relationship that hopefully leads to those other things.. Maybe I haven’t hit the pressure point. i don’t see myself dashing off any time soon to go get a random baby just to beat the clock..

  6. To quote David Thoreau:

    “Why should a [wo]man be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a [wo]man does not keep pace with his[her] companions, perhaps it is because [s]he hears a different drummer. Let him[her] step to the music which [s]he hears, however measured or far away.”

    Forget about the chiming of a thousand bells tolling way for others and listen to the bell that tolls for you 🙂

  7. Interesting read – the chiming of the clocks resonates a lot but reading through the comments, I like the open wave that more and more people seem to be riding, or encouraging others to ride…some kind of push not too feel too pressured just cos you are in the 3rd decade…

    I like that pic of discerning skills

  8. But, if you are not in the game, how can expect to play and ‘ponyoka na pick up’ (take off with the prize for those not versed in Swahili)?

    • Hehehehehe….’this one can be filed under lessons learnt’ but it is possible that some people may relearn the lessons themselves ;).

  9. Any chance of more posts like this one? There was fire in your belly Ms Joyce, me like… I’m currently giving you a standing ovation, Bravo!

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