Guide in the Maze

I must begin this with a disclaimer – I am not a relationship expert. Trust me, I am like a hydrophobic monkey trying to teach fish how to swim – there is no life jacket, just jump in and go with the flow…


1. Believe everything you read – Don’t get daunted by the sheer number of dating and relationship book/movie titles out there. At least you can take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. This is a global phenomenon that cuts across race, religion and creed. Thousands of women across the planet (you included) are dealing with endless relationship issues every single day. The trick of course is not to fall into the trap – not one of these titles will likely reveal to you some mysterious truths you did not already know about you, him or the rest of the world. “He’s Just Not That Into You”? Of course, you already knew that! (Why you still went out with him for two years is an entirely different matter that will not be covered in this forum ;)). So go on, humour yourself – buy the book, read it, but use your own brain to figure out your own life issues. Just because it worked for Ivana, acting like a tramp may not necessarily land you a billionaire hubby (ok that’s mean… but it just fit so well – Trump, tramp ;)).

2. Lower your standards (and drop those raised eyebrows) – the reason why you have not yet encountered your Mr. Right could be because he’s on Mars – and doesn’t exist on earth! Every one of us has a list of desirable qualities that we look for in Adam. He has to be smart, and strong, and confident, and tall, and handsome and charming and funny and sensitive, and successful, and… The good news about this is that he does exist! The bad news however – sorry love, Obama’s already taken :(). Learn to work upwards rather than downwards from your absolute non-negotiables (ANN) list. These are the most basic qualities without which you would not be caught dead with a particular Adam. For instance if you want him smart and tall and focused, you may want to give up tall and go with the smart and focused. Your dream mate may be the guy you bump into in the lift every day, but because your mind is clouded by delusions of chivalrous knights, you will miss your opportunity (and the realization will only dawn on you when you hear he’s getting married to that pretty Wangeci from 3rd floor, dang!). As you grow older you may realize that you have already been doing this. Be cautious though, otherwise you’ll end up a very short list with only four entries: “1. Breathing 2. Adult 3. Male 4. Sane”!

3. Date Mr. Wrong – And no, I don’t mean that no good pesky street punk who’s been pestering you for a date. Sometimes you want to only go out with “the one” who will gaze deeply into our eyes and send tingles down your spine. Such encounters are so rare that you may want to apply a little creativity to get things moving along. About 9 out of 10 people in relationships will tell you they met someone through someone else, either at a wedding, meeting, event etc. Nobody is going to come and knock on your door and say, ‘We understand you’re in there and you’re lonely’. Do accept to go out with a guy who fits your ANN list even if you are certain that he is not your soul-mate. Chances are that his friends and acquaintances may be what you’re looking for. But be careful to only to go to an event or social where there’ll be other people. And by all means avoid going on a date, where the two of you will be seated at a table facing each other in awkward silence (him with high expectations, you with no idea how to get yourself out of this sticky situation). The best thing to know about how to meet a good man is to invest your time in events that would get you access to making this happen. However unless you’re outrageously outgoing, showing up alone at a social may not be a very good idea. Remember, never miss out on a chance to go out – it might just turn out to be it, or may just lead to it :).

4. Change – And I don’t mean the person that you are. Change something that you’re currently doing – it hasn’t worked for you so far… It might not get you an instant catch but may well increase your odds of encountering potential Adams. I’m talking about habits, places you go, things you do. If you are a routine person, break that cycle. From as simple as taking a different route home, going to a new restaurant, enrolling in a class, changing your hairdo or just learning whatever new thing that brings you into contact with new people, or gets people to begin looking at you (as in check you out :)). There are over 6 billion people on the planet so there is no doubt that real flesh and blood Adams abound. So darling please get that broomstick from up your *** and try not to be so uptight about meeting new people. But remember to relax, be yourself, and just enjoy life. A lot of happy, lasting relationships started out as friendly encounters between people who never intended it, but were subconsciously drawn to their each other by simply radiating positive energy!

5. Be a blonde – I know he’s supposed to love you for you. No doubt you have a beautiful soul, and a wonderful mind. He wants you for your brains (and time will stand still for the both of you as you engage for hours on end in intellectual discourse) – right? Wrong! First impressions matter, a lot – if you’re trying to get past hello. Why do you think the pretty blonde always land the guy? Men are very visual – so ditch those scraggly looks. I know it’s just so comfortable to be “miss mannish” and wear those drab jeans all the time, but you might want to be a tad bit more feminine. Once you have landed a date then you can go on and wow him with your superior intellect and exceptional scholarly abilities :).

6. Lastly if you have tried all these tricks and read all the “bestsellers’ and nothing is forthcoming, it is time for you to get in touch with Reverend Moon! Don’t let the thumping of your bio-clock give you sleepless nights – at least there you’re guaranteed an Adam (of what ilk, I cannot say)!

Finally if that doesn’t work, then ni be ni me ni cucurigu (Not Me, Not You, Not Cock-a-Doodle-Doo) can help!

Whilst this piece is mainly targeting Eves, we welcome comments from Adams……are we on or off track here?

Have your say.

By I.A – guest writer

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Guide in the Maze

  1. Change something that you’re currently doing – it hasn’t worked for you so far… It might not get you an instant catch but may well increase your odds of encountering potential Adams. I’m talking about habits, places you go, things you do. If you are a routine person, break that cycle. From as simple as taking a different route home, going to a new restaurant, enrolling in a class, changing your hairdo or just learning whatever ……this is the best advise ever.

  2. Excellent! And one doesn’t need to be an expert on relationships (What does that actually mean?) to understand how relationships develop. Most of your straightforward advice would apply equally to Eve or Adam. Successful relationships cannot be manufactured in a lab or factory by following a production process. The steps that you outline can only be used as a guide – wherethey lead any particular couple – we cannot guess.

    I will add one last point, not my own qoute but poignant, with the sad news that we heard today: Use every minute wisely

    Stay well.

  3. Met my missus on facebook (facepalm). She’s a good lass. Anything is possible with the right amount of love.

  4. I just love the humor in this post! My eye brows were indeed raised but i have lowered them together with the standards:) . Now let me go out and see what i need to change 😉 before i end up with “1. Breathing 2. Adult 3. Male 4. Sane” as my ANN ) lol

    Thanks I.A

  5. Nice piece – several lines cracked me up and the advice is realistic although it might be a bit like cough syrup…..
    PS. i always thought ‘ni be ni me ni cucurigu’ was konk kyuk only to learn that it is yiddish.

  6. off track 🙂 nothing one can do to change what is. if it was never meant to happen, it wont happen.

  7. I am smiling reading these comments,this is for sure a maze:).and i am still cracked up by these lines by I.A ati “There are over 6 billion people on the planet so there is no doubt that real flesh and blood Adams abound.” ha ha ha

  8. Amen!!!!! We have expectations making inroads to the moon. It’s time to lower them ama watu watabaki single…

    • I like the use of “we” here meaning it is both the people from mars and venus who need this reality check

  9. This is a good read, and witty. Very interesting and applicable to both Adams and Eves. It’s always important to follow what you would be okay with, but I.A, good stuff.

Comments are closed.