It’s been eight years, well not quite, but certainly heading there fast in a Lamborghini. Eight years since my clock had two hands. Eight years of groping around in the dark, trying to place my foot where I thought was safe, only to slip and get hurt or tumble down the hill, really breaking some bones in the process. Eight years of walking in the field of time alone, without a maiden by my side.
It had to stop, all this madness of being the frog that is kissed many times. This Adam had to put an end to what was fast becoming an unpleasant dating ordeal. I had to take a back seat and stop being naïve, try to comprehend the toll all this was having on me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even financially. Now I feel ready to step back into the game in pursuit of long term happiness. I now desire to put my foot out for I can see a ray of light down the tunnel, a glimpse of hope. Or is it?
Anyone’s decision and/or feeling of getting back in circulation have got to be examined properly. It is simple, really. Without dwelling on the past, you have to, nevertheless, look back at where you’ve come from to know where you are going. The thing is, many of us may never put a finger on exactly what we want, but we do know what we don’t want. It is not the ideal situation, but is a beginning. I have to ask you to take a little chill pill just before you get back in circulation and ask yourself, why were you out in the first place?
Was it a past hurt that held you back? Was it lack of interest or did you just want to have no strings attached relationships/ fun? Was it a perception that there is no good Adam or Eve left out there, or did you just feel it wasn’t the right time i.e. you opted to pursue further education or career first?
What was it, lifestyle? That you, being the furniture of every party, the personification of energy, loved your liquor so much it led you to horrible decisions and performances? That you, being a stud, could talk an Eve out of her pants and into your bed easy (any bed really), and with reckless abandon? Or did you, Eve, draw up a list of the kind of Adam you were looking, a list that gave you men you wanted, only for them to blast your heart into smithereens?
Many of us have a story or two for getting out of circulation and wanting to get right back in. Well whatever it is, you had better be back in circulation for a good cause, not to revenge for a missed youth or a hurtful past. This relationship thing is not a game.
Ask yourself what things you’ll stand for and what nonsense you cannot take, regardless of how sweet the offer sounds. Ask yourself whether you desire someone who is a jaguar in bed, who simply makes you the envy of your friends, or that who has a heart of gold, even if their physical attributes don’t really match your fantasy realms. Ask yourself whether you can resist the urge to pounce on that sizzling Eve, and just take time to know her for who she really is.
Get right on with it then with plenty of dates, ‘Socialize before you Specialize’, as my pastor would rightly put it. For Eves, date the tall guy and the short one, the moneyed one and the jobless one. Do not ‘fall in love’, rather seek to hear from them what they want of themselves and from a partner. All you are allowed to do is date, no more! What this does is give you an insight into many people’s different experiences and motivations. If you are lucky, it will give you the ability to read minds. Who wouldn’t want to be a clairvoyant?
In many cases as you get back in circulation, you have some wisdom, either because you are older or experienced or both. Still, do not get back to be a burden. Be mature, be right. And be ready, emotionally, having dealt with your past baggage. Be ready financially, spiritually, mentally et cetera. Be ready, and know what you do not want.
Better still, know what you want. Martin Luther King Jnr said that if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. If alcohol was a demon in your life that cost you a good chunk of your youthful years, why then would you want to go out with an Eve who loves her drink? However small an intake, an Adam would be better off with someone who does not imbibe, no?
We are at the mercy of our temperaments and rather than fight that, make it work for your good. If a cantankerous Adam expects you, the quiet type, to be as loud and aggressive as he is, please let the dates end. If the beautiful Eve you went out on a few dates with needs you to be like her father or worse, demands you to be her girlfriend, then it should be bye bye to her too.
Set high but realistic goals for your partner. Do not yield to someone who does not share your fervour for religion, but it is ok to yield to someone who does not like cheese as much as you do – it is called perspective. Know what values, principles, preferences strike a chord within you, know what you are willing to compromise on, and know when to settle down and stop circulating.
I could sit here and write reams and reams of paper filled with advice, but I will not. Whatever you do, use these two little words: common sense.
Have your say.
By Munene Gangi – Guest Writer
The guest writer’s blog: Munene Gangi – Have A Cold Blast of Realism