I am an avid reader of Project 44. I applaud the work that the two Eves are doing, and they call it restoring sanity. I have forwarded the link to many of my friends who have attested to the fact that this blog is a breath of fresh air – although they might sound like a lone voice in a society that is infested with cynicism where relationship matters are concerned, every Monday, they treat us to a dose of good reading, humour, and at the same time, deep insights into real issues that bedevil relationships.
I have to agree that for some time now, I have been pessimistic about relationships. I have been through experiences which made me believe that relationships are a complete waste of time. Obviously, my feeling emanated from what I had gone through, not once but many times. However, even as I harboured these feelings, I found myself desiring to be in a relationship. As one of the posts here stated, the desire to want and be wanted is innate. Often times I asked myself “when is it gonna be my turn?” I was this person who was talking ill about relationships yet deep inside, longing to be in one and wondering who ran away with the code to a good relationship.
One of the pieces that I found interesting was the piece titled ‘The Song’. I realised that the reason why I was so negative about relationships is because I had ‘sang’ all manner of ‘songs’; every time when I thought the duet was going well, I was handed a new ‘song’. I can tell you for a fact that some of the notes I was expected to hit in those ‘songs’ are yet to be discovered. With time, I gave up. I became scared of the ‘stage’, I started to hate everything associated with relationships and without knowing, I became very negative and bitter.
However, we all know that you cannot lie to yourself. I had to come to a point of honesty with myself, to accept that much as relationships are hard to navigate, even if I have ‘sang‘ all manner of ‘songs’ to the point of my voice becoming hoarse, I could not pretend that I did not want to be in a relationship. So I went on what I called ‘the journey within’. This essentially entailed looking at my life and all Adams (only the serious ones) that I had dated or had been interested in, dissecting every relationship to see what the issues were, what I did and what I would now do differently. I have to be honest with you, when I looked at some of them, it was clear to me that from the word go that these Adams were a dead end and yet I pursued the relationships.
We all know that love is not the only reason why people get into relationships. Part of the reason why I pursued some of the relationships, to be plainly honest was that I was afraid of being alone. One of the Adams, for example, acted bizarre from the beginning yet I spent six months of my life trying to make it work. After I called it off, I felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted. However, for the other two Adams, we were just different people; we had our sights on different things and that is why we could not be paired harmoniously. I did not take my time to know them before committing – this is one mistake that many people make when they get into a relationship. I guess it needs to be said here that the fact that you like each other does not mean that you need to be in relationship.
During this ‘journey’, I came to the conclusion that often times, I invest a lot in a relationship, way too early to invest that much. I ignored that giving your all needs to be reciprocated. As you can tell, the Adams got into a comfort zone where they knew I would give my all to get the relationship going even when it was clear that they were drawing more than depositing into the relationship. With time, the account ran out. Many will say that I should have realised that these Adams were not enthusiastic about the relationship because if they were, the issue of investing too much would not arise. Admittedly, I now know.
Something else that came to the fore is that although it is not possible to discuss all important issues in a relationship from the very beginning, it needs to be clear from both parties what purpose the relationship is meant to serve. Why do you want to be in a relationship in the first place? If you are looking for a long term relationship and the other person just wants only the short benefits that come from being in a relationship, needless to say, you will ‘sing’ some very high, even odd notes my friend. No one is saying you should not have some, if you are not inhibited by anything; all I am saying is that you needto know what the other person wants. By the way, I think Eves have been told this time and time again but they do not listen. Eves, know this, for Adam, getting into the ‘cookie jar‘ is just an act. If he has not uttered those three little words, please do not expect them to come out simultaneously as he gets into or out of the ‘cookie jar’. This cannot be over emphasised – his feelings and his going in and out can be quiet incoherent!
So my ’journey’ concluded a few things as I have shared above. we all need to remember that if we want a relationship to work, we need to be honest with ourselves from the beginning. You need to know what you want so that when you meet it, you will recognise it. This will save you the agony of getting into wrong relationships which are bound to fail and then turn around and get bitter (like I was) when I failed.
I invite all of us who still want to be in a relationship to take a ‘journey’ by taking stock of all relationships that you have been in. Be brutally honest with yourself and this applies to Adams as well (Adams have also been through issues, it is just that they are not as vocal as Eves). I will not promise that every ‘journey’ will bring forth some revelations but it might be worth the try.
Reading this blog has reminded me a few things and has also cemented what I already knew; that relationships are hard work and yes, it is possible to be in a sound relationship. However, this hard work can only bear fruit if you are both working towards a common goal. If you harbour different views and or expectations, you can toil all you want, you will come out bitter and with unmet expectations.
I pen off, thanking Project 44 for the work well done, remaining true to the cause and keeping it fresh and fun.
By Marylyne G – Guest writer.