The B Word

This is what happens when you go shooting your mouth off in other people’s houses, you are promptly held to account, forced to stand up in front of everyone, hands clasped behind your back and head bowed in shame, nervously drawing circles on the floor with your big toe as you mumble a vague explanation that’s not only light on details and logic, but ultimately complete rubbish.  That’s why I’m here today.  Now ordinarily, I don’t mind being asked to explain myself, I put my foot in my mouth so often I’ve come to expect it, but when asked to do it here, well, I hesitated.  Restoring sanity to relationships?  Me?  The poster child for insanity?  Really?  This cannot possibly end well…

A couple of weeks ago, the men in these here parts were running wild making all manner of ludicrous assertions and generally beating their chests, all ‘I is man!’ like, and all because one Naomi graciously shared the thoughts of ‘her boys’, this in what I assume was an attempt to educate the ignorant masses (that would be the rest of us).  Slight detour, so the date update?  Am I the only one who’s still waiting to hear what happened, or didn’t?  Come on woman, share…  Back to her post.  ‘Brilliant!’ the men raved, ‘I hate old stockings…’, ‘…clean shaven head is a no-no…’, and on and on and on.  Bollocks!  That’s right, I said bollocks, as in rubbish, as in bull-poo (I’ve been instructed not to swear).  Folks, men and women are different, very different.  Don’t be fooled by that rib sharing story, we have nothing in common except our surprisingly unique ability to sleep on our backs.  We’re built different, and nothing we ever do and say will ever change this fact.  Yes, we’ll spend a lot of time wondering what the other half of the species thinks, and wants, and thanks to our collective obsession, an entire industry thrives on our confusion, and for what?  At the end of the day, all we’re left with is a niggling feeling that for everything we claim to know, we really don’t know too much, do we?

Ladies, ask a bunch of men what they want and they will trot out the tried and tested, ‘a lady in the street, a chef in the kitchen, a whore in the bedroom!’  Bollocks!  Perhaps if they include a magician in the closet, item sold separately, to help her transform seamlessly, as and when required.  Folks, for a woman to be lady, chef and whore, she needs to possess a disturbingly vast skill set that is practically impossible to find in one person, scratch that – should not be found in any one person.  I figure, the lady/chef combo is likely, that’s what our mothers taught us to be, it’s drilled into you from the day you can reach the cooker-top in your pink nylon (fluffy) dress.  The chef/whore combo is possible, because they’re both all about pleasure, wanton pleasure for that matter.  The lady/whore combo, on the other hand, that’s rare, because it requires a bit of a split personality to be a contained demure woman and a raging nymphomaniac, at the same time.  Lady, chef and whore?  Really?  Do you recall ‘Mr and Mrs Smith’?  Remember Mrs Smith trying to stab Mr Smith with a very big knife?  I rest my case.

Ladies, ask any of these chest-thumping men to show you the specimen of perfection they have hidden in their caves and I guarantee you, not only does she not come close to meeting their ridiculous expectations, they are quite happy to go home to her each night, because they know that for all their tough talking, macho, bull-poo, they’re just glad to have a woman who can put up with their nonsense.  That’s all we’re all looking for, isn’t it?  Gents, given that you are a less than perfect creature, you may want to cut that (perhaps not so) innocent girl a little slack and leave her be, flaws and all.  If you can’t handle, then you have no business being with her, set her free to find the man who’ll take her, just as she is.  You know what they say, there’s one born everyday (sucker, gents, not woman, although there’s one of those born every day too…).  The unrelenting pressure to have women conform to some mythical ideal is what got us into this mess in the first place, what with women trying to fake everything from boobs to hair, all so we can become the Barbie doll men claim to want.  The harsh reality is that no woman will ever be the perfect woman.  The good news is, no woman will ever be the perfect woman, so she can’t and shouldn’t expect you to be the perfect man.  It’s win/win, no?

The same applies to us women and our obsession with tall, dark and handsome – and rich apparently – the illusion of fairy tale perfection has us so enthralled we constantly refuse to see the beautiful imperfection all around us.  A girl will insist on finding a loving and romantic man to cherish and hold her, who’s miraculously not already taken because she’s the only one who can see his brilliance?  A wealthy man to spoil her rotten, treating her like a queen and what not, but one who’s not a workaholic, which then begs the question, how did he make all this money if not by working very hard, day and night?  A man with no emotional baggage, because he’s spent his adult life in a monastery, just waiting for his little princess to come along?  Bollocks!  Your man is just as flawed as you are, so get off his back and let him be the man he is.  For as long as he’s not engaging in serious foolishness, why are you stressing the poor bastard?  If he can deal with the fact that you insist on wearing a headscarf to bed (mine is black silk-ish, and I’m proud of it, so there!), because you know you need to look good at the meeting the following morning, then you can deal with the fact that every once in a while, the idiot will wander off the reservation in search of a cold beer and a hot goat (and goat here means four legged creature commonly roasted over an open flame, not ‘goat’…).  Some fights are not worth having, is all I’m saying.

Ladies, if you really want to know a man, just stop talking and listen to what he says, in his words and in his actions.  If you’re silent long enough, I assure you, he will speak.  Given the chance, your man will tell you everything you need to know, everything that’s on his mind, even, dare I say it, his feelings, but only if you give him the freedom to do so, in his own time and at his own pace.  If he doesn’t, or can’t, then perhaps he’s not the man for you, go find another one.  There’s one born….…  And while we’re on the topic, gents, if you can’t talk to your woman, skulking off in silence doesn’t solve anything, if anything it just makes it worse.  Talk to her.  Despite that look she gives you when you lie that you only had two beers and in reality you had six (you know the look I mean), she cannot read your mind, so help her out a little.

Instead of wasting time trying to read each others minds, constantly searching for impossible perfection, how about we just get on with it?  Folks, go out, find someone you like, genuinely like, for whatever reason.  If they like you back, for whatever reason, then give it a go.  It may work, it may not work, who knows?  Worst case scenario, you’re one person closer to finding your Mr/Ms Right.  Progress, right?

By Alex – Guest Writer

The guest writer is a blogger in her own write. Visit her blog at http://kainikii.blogspot.com/

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41 thoughts on “The B Word

  1. So Naomi had her say,she typed away all the bollocks the ‘boys’ produced. It found it way on project44 and all Adams who read it were overjoyed. We on the other side( completely different side) watched in amazement as Adams had a field day applauding some super extreme views.

    Thanks @ Alex for this much needed rejoinder. And here is the thing,i think it is not even about perfection,in my view,i think it has to with expectations that people have- expectation that they put on other people but they are not willing to meet their end of the bargain.

    Then there is influence.Unfortunately,often times,and this for both Eves and Adams,this influence does nothing to better the relationship. The way so and so go about the business of their household / relationship may not work for everyone.So it is bizarre to hear a collective view from the ‘boys’ with views straight out the cave man years………..

    This i like “Ladies, ask any of these chest-thumping men to show you the specimen of perfection they have hidden in their caves and I guarantee you, not only does she not come close to meeting their ridiculous expectations, they are quite happy to go home to her each night, because they know that for all their tough talking, macho, bull-poo, they’re just glad to have a woman who can put up with their nonsense”.

    Very nice read !

    • It is about expectations, isnt it? There’s nothing I can, or should, add here, you’ve said it well enough.

  2. Quite interesting. Alex however left out a very important point. It is possible to learn. I mean what is the point of existence if not to improve ourselves? Ladies, if you lack a particular skill, learn! Go to the internet, read books and consult for heaven’s sake. Heck, watch porn or Mke Nyumbani if you have to.There’s always room for improvement. You lose your man when you settle.

    • The point I was trying to make is that a woman cannot be everything, and that the constant struggle to achieve that perfection is futile because more often than not, the man is willing to take the not so good bits with the good, just like she is, no? Improve ourselves? Definitely. Learn? Constantly. Question is, are you doing it to become a better person, or just to make the man/woman happy?

      • A man could be willing to take her as she is but as the romance fizzles out, the not so good bits will begin sticking out like a sore thumb. If you feel like an inmate every time she serves you dinner, or if she insists on only one position, and only after you’ve switched off the lights, then you are definitely going to get bored.

        You do it to become a better person and to make your spouse happier. As long as you don’t go to the lengths of visiting a witchdoctor, you will be fine.

    • Hehehehe…I agree that it is possible to learn – for both women and men. So much as you are expecting eves to watch porn (why????? – i don’t get it) and learn from susan kamau conjuring up some spicy dishes whilst sweating under that wig and glare of the lighting in the studio, I think adam should be learning his own lessons. eves are likely to lose their adams just as adams are likely to lose their eves.

      someone should retrieve that post by 44 about the adam/eve in the mirror…

      @Alex, excellent take.

      • Thank you Ms Butterscotch (love the name by the way, but I digress), I was starting to think I’m fighting a losing battle. You’re right, this has been said here before, better than I did I suspect (ha!). And I agree, learning should be a two way street.

        Joey, you know I’m not married so I’m not going to pretend to tell married types how to handle their spouses, I’m talking to those like me who are still wandering around looking for that special (seemingly elusive?) someone. The point to this post was simple, one man’s inmate cuisine is another man’s gourmet cooking. You may not like her one position, but perhaps there’s someone else who will, or perhaps she’ll learn a second position if she finds the right motivation, who knows? As Ms B said, adams can lose their eves too…

  3. Alex hehehe relax,I feel driven to calm the atmosphere,life is not a snapshot,we need to figure out the bigger picture.Allow me to ask,does the steamroller approach work in the long run?

    • Oh great withholder of date story… Ha! What happened?

      Steamroller approach? As in ‘my way or the highway’, all or nothing? I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you’re asking, and I dont want to get into more trouble answering the wrong question. Could you please run that by me again?

      • Smart move man! I like your take on the whole issue. We all have inadequacies so to expect that someone will hang them like a coat at the door when getting into the relationship is in for a big surprise. If the steam roller approach means what I think it does, then I support it. All or nothing. If you were allowed to exclusively pick out my good qualities, then this would be FIFA 2012!

    • this is interesting….naomi, as i recall your take was stereotypical and now alex’s is streamroller approach…..?

      • @ tkimani, all or nothing sounds like a good approach when you put it like that, taking the good and the bad. Good to know there’s one man in here not looking to beat me. Thanks.

  4. Can someone tell me what is this story about the steamroller- and use plain english

    Ok,so where are the Adams who were all over on Naomi’s post?,or @ Alex has somehow managed to bring some sanity ?

    Why on earth does @Joytales want Eve to watch porn? To be a whore and please Adam? And what is Adam willing to do in return?

    • Nice read Alex. there is no one size fits all… as for the comment on watching porn, yukhh!!!!!!!!

    • I’d like it put on the official record that the word sanity was used in reference to myself and there was no ‘in’ immediately preceding it. Thank you kindly Bezingo, you really have just made my day.

  5. I beg to differ with @Joey. This is where we go wrong as women. Always living our lives trying to better ourselves (note this) not for ourselves BUT for the men in our lives. If we think that by becoming better cooks and better in bed (to the extent of watching pornography in order to achieve this, which by the way won’t teach you love, intimacy and other excellent qualities that make a relationship last: like forgiveness) we have completely lost the point. Ask any woman who gets into a relationship with the intention of changing a man, and show me just one that has succeeded in doing so. None. Why? Because men are who they are, take them as they are or leave them. Why then don’t we use the same approach as women, even as outlined so well by @Alex? Be you. Do you. You have your flaws, he has his. Work on accepting each other as you both are, and only change yourselves if you are both doing it for yourselves. I rest.

    Excellent post Alex.

    • And then we get back to whole point of this, relationships. Thanks Shekyn, for bringing it home.

    • Well put, Shekyn and I do hope more people will take your words to heart. And for those who are still doubtful, I ask this: Look around you & you’ll find that odd couple: at a glance they seem mismatched and yet you’re envious of the rapport they have…The lady is the exact opposite of a ‘stepford wife’ and yet this solid guy is totally smitten with her or you may find an ordinary looking chap who has this beautiful lady looking at him like he’s king…What is working for them?

      They truly get it.

      Beauty fades away, money can disappear twice as fast, cooking skills can be improved (and if not, there are other alternatives), making love should be fine wine (gets yummier with time as cultivating trust & mutual understanding is a gradual process) and our bodies are fragile and can fail us…

      So they don’t use them as the deciding benchmarks…instead, they go for not just who the person truly is (flaws and all) but also for the experience of being with that person…

      PS: Alex, as always, it’s been an interesting read 🙂

      • Nyambura, you’ve know the “stepford wife”? Another reason to love you.

        Excellent thoughts you’ve shared.

      • “they go for not just who the person truly is (flaws and all) but also for the experience of being with that person…”

        🙂

  6. Danas 10, forgive me, I got lost in the comments, sijazoea wordpress. Thank you, and the ‘Yukhh!!!’ was brilliant. 🙂

  7. Interesting perspective but way hard on adams.Had it not been you I would have sulked. But it’s something worth pondering..

    • ‘Hard’ as with the way you conveyed the message.I deemed it harsh.’Almost caught me blushing much like a child fielding a scold from her mom.’

      • Aha! That would explain the steam roller comment. I get it now… Ha!

        Apologies Mr S, here I thought I was almost balanced in my condemnation of bollocks, male and female alike. I guess its like you said, because you know me, you know it wasn’t intended as an insult, a scolding yes, but never an insult. Next time (if they ever let me back in here) I shall scold equally, I shall even scold myself if need be.

        Thanks for the feedback, that steam saga was bothering me a bit…

    • …so this is a case of people wanting sugar coated medicine….pill too bitter to swallow? i have to say that when i read naomi’s piece, as an eve, i felt that it was stereotyping eves and that we just aren’t good enough if we dont fit the bill adam has in mind. and then came alex :)….yippee

      hard as the delivery may be perceived, i think alex tried to balance both sides and in the end, she even advised us to just move on if the adam or eve is not of to ‘our liking’, not to try and change someone to fit the box.

      • I’ll be honest Ms B, the moving on bit came from personal experience, trying too hard for the wrong person, and living to tell the tale. Advice? You’re too kind and I’m not sure I’m qualified, either that or I’m uniquely qualified, who knows? Ha!

        Your name is quite apt (still loving it), smooth like butter but with one hell of a punch, like good scotch. 🙂

  8. Walala I clearly stirred up a storm here. Project 44, I admire what you (and your guest writers) do. I would therefore be honored if you allowed me to use your platform to do a guest post so as to expound on my thoughts regarding complacency/settling in relationships. Alex wrote well and presented his point of view. Now I’m itching to share mine. I will be very partial to both Adams and Eves… I swear.

  9. I had to goggle the “stepford wife”……. Never heard of it before,long live P44!

    “The term “Stepford Wife” is used to describe a woman who lives a blindly conforming life, remaining subservient to her husband and other authority figures while attempting to offend no one”

    • And they say the internet is not educational? 🙂 There’s a movie too Bezingo (original and more recent remake), and its not half bad.

      • Indeed, Alex. Bezingo, I suggest you watch the recent remake featuring Nicole Kidman. You will understand EXACTLY what a “stepford wife” is.

  10. Walalalala, leo nimeshelewo, na vire naerewo hii mambo. He he he (#justkidding)

    Now, I will only add this, (mengi yamesemwa mazuri na sawa) there are no perfect people. Ouch, that’s a tad hackneyed. Therefore, there will never be a perfect union. There only was one at the beginning but an Eve blew it (or the idiot Adam did. Now there’s goes affirmative action in practice, clap for me then).

    Imperfect as we are we gotta find the middle ground. It is spelled C.O.M.P.R.O.M.I.S.E. Prince Charming might be dark, tall, moneyed and all that but his breadth might be stinking like the bottom of a keg cask. So what does the Enchanted Princess do? Of course, you look for Mr. Beaver in that Aquafresh advert and ask for the secret to a 12 hour cure for halitosis. COMPROMISE.

    The Enchanted Princess is everything a sore eye wants but can’t boil clean boiling water to save her life. What’s the Prince Charming to do? Of course he teach her to fetch water and washa the jiko then use the ready moto to boil the water. Problem solved. COMPROMISE.

    Okay, I know that’s cheap but even the bible says that one of the confounding ways of the earth is a man’s way with a damsel(Prov 30:19). It is a mystery really how we truck up together and decide that we want to stand each others on the opposite sides of the bed for the rest of our lives.

    We could lessen the disappointment that unraveling of that mystery which inevitably always ensue with domesticity and its attendant ennui if we begin well. Lay the foundation. That means principles (takes care of kufungwa ka chips,or whatever) and a long term view (so that u realize beauty is only skin deep).

    All else is BOLLOCKS!

    • I’m clapping…

      The last bit about laying the foundation is spot on, Bwana Kidi.

    • @kidi*, i like the way you have brought in the middle ground. wise words

      three claps for you

  11. Joyce and Fridah, thank you for inviting me into your house, this week has been brilliant. Now if you dont mind, narudi ocha… (that song will be stuck in your head all day now, sorry :-))

  12. @Alex, much obliged. It’s been fun having you guest write and as you can see from the comments, there were many an Eve waiting for this rejoinder. Plus Bezingo et al have learnt what a stepford wife is ;).

  13. “Ladies, if you really want to know a man, just stop talking and listen to what he says, in his words and in his actions. If you’re silent long enough, I assure you, he will speak…” Now ladies say, thank you! You’re welcome on behalf of Alex and all the Chimps sorry champs out here… Great article Alex

  14. whaaaat…i loved this post..en the amazing comments. @joey- enough stones hav been thrown at you 🙂 … i’ll just say it is nice to try and upgrade but dont get lost in the process…. the “stepford wife” comment nailed it whaat…project 44 i may have just landed my guest topic .. 🙂
    alex, u made me laugh, great write up 🙂

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