Change Is Inevitable

“Never change who you are to please someone else.”

I think that is one crappy saying! I find it so crappy because I know you stop living solely for yourself the moment you get into a commitment. The truth is sustaining a relationship is no easy task. Those who have been in long term commitments can attest to this. It takes a lot of self-sacrifice and selflessness. If you really treasure the one you’re with, if you see yourself being with him/her for years to come, then you will feel the need to please your partner, meaning there’s a lot you will have to change about yourself.

A relationship is a work in progress, and for it to blossom, the two parties need to be dynamic. When I talk about being dynamic, I do not mean going against your principles or pandering to your partner’s whims. I do not mean becoming Bonnie/Clyde because your partner is an adrenaline junkie and gets a kick from robbing banks and getting shot at. No, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about dropping those qualities that make your partner cringe. I am talking about working on your shortcomings and trying to better yourself.

Thing is, in the initial stages of a relationship everything seems all rosy and smooth-sailing but over the years, those things that seemed inconsequential start sticking out like debris in the aftermath of flash floods. All of a sudden the thorns on the roses start pricking. This is because the shroud that once masked those little flaws is worn out and you are now able to see your partner for who he/she really is. It is in this stage when a relationship undergoes the ultimate test.

Those of us who work in corporates are well acquainted with the term restructuring. Companies are always making changes and going back to the drawing board. They do what they can in order to keep their heads above the water. Same should happen for a relationship to flourish. As much as one cannot be perfect, there’s always room for improvement. From time to time, both the man and the woman ought to self-examine themselves so as to establish the areas that need change. I believe that is how a relationship withstands the test of time.

Ladies, for example, if you like dressing like you’re going for exotic dancing auditions (or on the other hand dressing like you work in a home for old people), you might want to change your wardrobe.

It wouldn’t kill you to take up cooking lessons if your cooking tastes like napier grass. If you are not confident about your bedroom skills, it wouldn’t kill you to go to the internet and do a bit of research. Don’t be shy, it’s for your own good. After working hours just go to Google and type ‘making love for dummies’, or ‘sex 101’. I’m sure you will find useful tips and tutorials that will transform you into an expert in no time. Like they say, whatever you do, do it to perfection.

Still on ladies, regardless of whether you were brought up by a wifely mother or you practically raised yourself, eventually every man wants to settle down with a woman that has got a handle on things. While a man is the head of the house, it is the woman that makes a house a home. This is because women (proper ones) are orderly and efficient. They give us (men) direction. If you have a man and you let him ‘rewind’ the same shirt three times a week, or he smells like he only showers on public holidays, then you need to change – not just your man’s shirt, but also your comportment. When a woman settles with a man, she has to act like a wife. No compromises.

When it comes to men, well, we are seriously flawed. I think it takes a special woman to put up with a man. We are selfish, we forget fast, we are lazy, we are insensitive… the list is endless.

But we are not beyond repair. Problem comes in when a woman tries to change a man. When a woman tries to fit her man into her dream prince, she will burn out. That’s the fastest way to end up looking like an 80 year old great grandmother. This post is not about trying to change anyone. It’s about introspection.

If you are a man and you want to keep your woman, you will need to work on some things too. The process is a two way street. You will need to change some default traits. For starters, you can start by swallowing your pride and acknowledging your mistakes. For most of us, saying sorry is like pleading guilty to murder. But apologizing never turned anyone to stone. Your girlfriend won’t make you carry her handbag if you admit you were wrong. Not owning up to your mistakes is a sign of immaturity and insecurity.

As the head of the house, a man should take responsibility. A man should do whatever it takes to keep his significant other (and kids if applicable) safe and well taken care of. These are the most important people in your life and they should come first. You should be willing to sacrifice your money, independence, and time for their sake. If I were the President I would give a directive that any man who abandons his family be arrested, stripped naked and whipped thoroughly. Same would apply to wife beaters and drunks who spend the whole day and night in pubs while their children sleep on empty stomachs. The ultimate archetype of masculinity is taking responsibility – not the number of children you can sire.

My point is, despite that fact that we all come with default flaws and deficiencies, when you’ve found that one person that you truly adore, when you’ve finally bagged that person whose smile fills your heart with warmth, then you will want to be at your best. You will want to be their number one and you will do what you whatever you can to keep them smiling because when he/she is happy, you too will be happy. There’s no room for complacency and settling in relationships. The moment you get complacent is the moment your relationship starts going south.

By Joeytales – Guest Writer

Visit Joey’s blog at http://joeytales.wordpress.com/

Advertisements

51 thoughts on “Change Is Inevitable

  1. Good post @joeytales. I have to say that at times the thorns start pricking within months. I find that it is the very fact that people continue living mostly for themselves whilst in relationships that makes it difficult for some relationships to work. Compromise is inevitable for sanity to be maintained.

  2. I am gonna have to agree with you Joey,the first paragraph is spot on. I do not remember well but i think it was @ Shekyn? who alluded to something like no one should change for the other person……..but i think failure to change/ improve/ be a better person is what makes many relationships not to work.No wonder that lady in Nyeri was a having a go at the hubby’s gonads ( ha ha ha and i am not supporting this) because he has refused to change- or what was the story?

    See,the thing is we might change to improve ourselves which might not mean improvement of the relationship by extension.Because sometimes improvement has to be targeted ……

    And now what was that you were saying about dummies @ Joey? Now you have moved from porn to dummies? LOL!

    Nice post !

    • I think some of you have interpreted the opening phrase wrongly. The phrase means, one should not change his/her core values for anyone…the values that define who you are as an individual…

      As for Joey’s post, all I can say is, compromise is important in any relationship. Hence it should be treated as fragile. Why? If one partner feels like they’ve been compromising and giving too much to a point where it starts to hurt or they feel shortchanged or lost, then you end up with resentment amongst other nasty little monsters…

  3. Thank you guys!
    @mackel9, you check it out. Who knows if you search properly you could even find an ebook.
    @Butterscotch, “…Compromise is inevitable for sanity to be maintained.” You can say that again.
    @Famooz, it’s not funny. I saw the look on that Nyeri woman and I knew the poor man’s gonads were no more. Hehe I didn’t want to be ‘yukked’ again. Ladies that was mean of you!
    @Nyambura, I think they all got it perfectly. It’s true what you’ve said about starting to resent your partner. But I guess you compromise because you want to be with that person.

    • 🙂 I have a funny feeling that our understanding of the phrase “Never change who you are to please someone else…” is totally different yes?
      Oh well, interesting post.

  4. Joey, (te de de de…suspense music, for effect), what we have here is a failure to communicate… 🙂 I suspect we’ll never agree on this, but for the sake of good discussion what say we have a little go around, yes?

    I had to google these definitions (please bear with me, I’m not trying to be a nuisance, really):
    Change – to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.
    Compromise – a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

    Change to me implies something more drastic than accomodating another person in your life (although this may simply be an issue of semantics). There can be no relationship, love or other, without compromise, we have to learn to accomodate each other if we’re going to live together. But why are we living together if you dont love me, warts and all, to the point that you need me to change? Did you fall in love with me because you didnt see the warts, or in spite of them? Bwana Kidi said it best a couple of weeks back, “We could lessen the disappointment that unraveling of that mystery which inevitably always ensue with domesticity and its attendant ennui if we begin well. Lay the foundation.”

    • Actually,i think these are semantics…..the thing is that at some point,we have to change something if we want our relationships to work…and btw,this is not just man-woman relationships but all kinds of relationships hence i agree that change is inevitable.I do not think Joey is calling for us to completely overhaul ourselves,if i read well,all he is saying is that we have to be willing to go an extra mile to make it happen and part of the mile includes changing ( not in the drastic sense but compromise,accommodating,sensitivity sense)

      • That’s exactly what I’m saying, compromise is key, to all relationships.

        Which makes statements like this a bit hard to digest… “This is because women (proper ones) are orderly and efficient. They give us (men) direction. If you have a man and you let him ‘rewind’ the same shirt three times a week, or he smells like he only showers on public holidays, then you need to change – not just your man’s shirt, but also your comportment. When a woman settles with a man, she has to act like a wife. No compromises.”

        Proper ones? Change your comportment? No compromises? What am I missing here Mimi?

  5. Hey Alex,

    Your definitions are spot-on. I have googled yours as well:
    Drastic – Likely to have a strong or far-reaching effect; radical or extreme.

    Change does not have to be drastic. For example, lets say all my life I’ve been talking with food in my mouth. If my partner hates this behaviour so much she prefers having her dinner with her eyes closed, then I might want to change my table manners. That’s change; but it’s not drastic. There’s nothing extreme about that; just a happy girlfriend who can now sit across me at the dinner table.

    I’m afraid you might have missed the point. I clearly stated that “This post is not about trying to change anyone. It’s about introspection.” I am not talking about instructing your partner to change; I’m talking about examining thy self to see what areas could be improved for the sake of a happier relationship. Just because my girlfriend finds my table manners repulsive doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. She might not even have brought it up. But through my observation I should know that she doesn’t exactly find it appetizing, and I might want to change.

    I don’t dispute with Kidi’s words. In fact, I like the way he cautiously said, “Lessen the dissapointment…” which in essence could mean that dissapointment is imminent.

  6. Interesting read…and i agree sometimes we have to accommodate another person for love to flourish which means changing some of the things we do our way…but i cant help but wonder what happened to “enjoying sex with your partner” such that i have to google how to do it 😦 Isn’t it obvious that once i meet this great guy and we are so attracted to each other even physically, there is a way i will respond when he touches me, and etc and i don’t need google to tell me to “scream like this when he does this” or “coil like this when he bla bla bla” “put your legs like this” and many others. Wont this be plastic sex? Is it soooo hard to respond to a tender touch, a kiss and all that from someone that you “feel each other” ??? love and sex is natural and response is natural. unless ni ile ya settling with just anybody coz the clock is ticking, or just hooking up coz everyone is hooked up. what is happening???

    ps…don’t throw stones. its what i think 🙂 🙂

    • Hey Danas,

      Thanks for sharing your views. But I think one thing that is common in all of us is the fact that we tend to get bored when things are always done in a particular way. Feeling each other is one thing, getting satisfied is another. Deep passion doesn’t always guarantee satisfaction.

      It’s not about response, it’s about the actual experience. And experiences in bed are not the same. That’s why we have adjectives such as dull and mind blowing. I believe it’s already plastic for most people, who in a bid to impress their partners, pretend they are enjoying it while in actual sense they are wondering if a grenade would blow their heads off the next day.

      I do not think these things always come naturally – unless you were born a bedroom prodigy. Why else would we have so many men/women complaining that their partners don’t satisfy them? That’s why in some cultures maidens undergo training. Sex101 is real people, and it helps a great deal. People who are knowledgeable on bedroom matters have more confidence; they know the buttons to push and how to push them.

      I would never throw stones at you Danas.

      • I had to log in to tell @ Dana10 that she has made my day! I swear i have laughed i can feel the veins in my head pulsating! @Dana10 is in shock here about “putting the leg here”, ” screaming and COILING” Ha ha ha ha . you Googled that stuff?!!!!and then @ joey shall not relent, he tells us why words like “dull” and “mind blowing” exist. Thanks guys for making my day !!

  7. a) Here’s what i’ve always understood the statement ‘never change who you are to please someone else’ to mean: BE YOURSELF. It is a statement used to encourage people to be individuals and not to blindly conform.

    Which would explain why when Joey said it was a crappy philosophy some of us raised our hands in confusion.

    b) Here’s what we’re all in agreement on: As human beings, we’re constantly changing and growing.

    c) However, the jury seems to be out when it comes to two issues: Are you changing for your own personal growth (Shekyn previously pointed this out as the healthy way to go) or are you changing because of other people? To be favourable in their eyes? (other people being spouses, friends, society etc)Which brings us back to the philosophy: Be true to yourself.

    Here’s my personal take: Couples are two individuals. Two wholes. A person’s individuality should never disappear in any relationship. When I compromise in my marriage it is for something greater: the friendship that I have with my wife. The friendships that we cultivate add value to who we are as invidividuals.

    I think opinions will vary because at the end of the day what i perceive as important someone else will see it as trivial. A woman may be a sous chef at home but if i can’t have a meaningful conversation with her no amount of great cooking will make me want to stay in that house. I may be a great provider but if I don’t ‘show up’ when my wife needs me, I’m in serious trouble. Yet for someone else all he needs is a wife who can whip up a great meal and be a great hostess.

    • Simon, I like how you said ‘not to blindly conform.’ I agree with that. Discretion has to be observed. Regarding the statement, the word NEVER is what gets me all skeptical.

      About couples, I believe these are two individuals who work together towards a common goal: A happy, fulfilling life. I did not agree with Shekyn one bit. She’s actually one of the reasons I wanted to do my own article. If you can make your partner (it’s about partner’s here) happier by changing a quality that would even make you better as a person, then why not? Again my example of table manners applies here.

      That’s just what I believe; but as you said, opinions vary.

      • Joey, I’m puzzling over several things:

        -On table manners: Are you saying that good personal hygiene and manners is something one learns simply because your partner pushed you to it? I thought this is something basic; you learn from childhood for self as part of growing up…

        -You say, you are for “changing a quality that would make you a better person” and yet in the same sentense you say you’re totally against Shekyn’s philosophy of changing for self…

        -You claim, women give men direction. Which makes me wonder:
        1) Does a man lack direction/purpose and only finds it when he settles with a woman?
        2)If that is the case, does it mean that men who never get life partners lack direction? And would it be really fair to your partner to put such expections on her? And If I’m the one to give you direction/purpose then haven’t you contradicted yourself when you say a woman can never change a man?…
        3) Without direction/purpose who is this man at the end of the day? And if he doesn’t know, will he be able to understand much less take on the role of ‘head of a home’?

        PS: This is just philosophical spurring where I’m just looking to understand your school of thought better…

  8. Wow love the topic but still don’t get what the confusion is about.
    Unless you have never been in a relationship (a real one where you even thought your partner was the one and bla bla bla wedding) then you have no excuse of not understanding the topic. To me its simple. Change is inevitable. People will argue that we shouldn’t change for someone else but trust me, when you are in love you find yourself doing things that even when your “homeboyz” tease you with, you just join in laughter.(sign of acceptance). An example is you find yourself deciding not to go out because your lady is in the house and yet you are a party animal. She didn’t tell you to stay but you just think you need to. Realizing this point is harder to express than i thought. Anyway you find yourself minimizing or cutting out things you used to do before. Not because you are changing for her but because you want to change for her. Somehow when you are IN LOVE you find that making her happy makes you happy. And if she/he is the right one then you don’t even have to go to the extreme.

    NOW NOW NOW….a point was raised about SEX.
    Just to clarify, LOVE and SEX are two different things. You might love someone with all your heart but if the sex is down, its down. And unless one uses the net, friends, books and etc you won’t make it better. Oh and if what you are reading something that told you to fake shouts then you are reading something soooo wrong it hurts.
    Fact is even if your man loves you but you aren’t giving him good sex and an ex was over performing chances are he might one day go look for good sex even if its just for a night and doesn’t have to to be the ex. So just words of advice….be creative. Doesn’t have to be Kamasutra but be creative.

    • Exactly, Fem. You change for her because making her happy makes YOU happy. Which brings us all back to SELF. bottomline you have changed for self. You’re get something good out of her happiness that is why you’re working towards making her happy.
      The debate has come about because Joey doesn’t believe in Shekyn’s philosophy for changing for self.

      • @Fems, I feel like those people in congregations who suddenly shout, ‘Aaaamen! Preach on brother!!’

        @Nyambura, I think you’re being selective here. The issue on table manners was merely an example. And some people supposedly skipped class when that lesson was being taught. No need to dwell on that.

        From what I got, Shekyn was against changing for someone else other than self. That is what I don’t agree with. You are quoting me out of context. The full statement read, ‘If you can make your partner (it’s about partner’s here) happier by changing a quality that would even make you better as a person, then why not?’ Here, change is instigated by the partner, not yourself.

        I did not say that men lack direction. I (as a man) might know where I am headed, but a proper woman could help me get there expeditiously. Obama and clinton have both admitted that they probably wouldn’t be where they are if it were not for their iron wives.

        @Project44, as much as you’re changing for self, it was your partner who instigated that change, right?

  9. Your partner suggests the change; question still remains, if YOU do not see what the payoff will be, you will not change not matter how hard she pushes you. Again, we go back to SELF.

    look, what you say we agree to disagree on this one ?

    No hard feelings I hope…

    • “Your partner suggests the change,” Hehe Nyambura, whom are you quoting here? Let me quote myself again, “This post is not about trying to change anyone. It’s about introspection.”

      And you and I go a long way, there can’t be any hard feelings.

      • haha that last part has so many meanings JOEY. you know the one im laughing about right now.

    • Seriously again I’m not sure if you are all arguing or on the same page. You seem to only have problems with a few words but fact is we all get the point that was being aired out.

      • *Grins* Oh Fem. Simon broke it down so nicely for us. No one is wrong.

        We all agree on the same thing: You need change to grow. Then the arrived at a junction: what road to take? left or right? Conservative or liberal? At the end of the day, we all want to end up in the same destination. It’s only the road, the company, the sights and sounds that will differ.

        Which was why we were all passionately debating by picking apart each other’s points and examples. Joey questioned Shekyn’s way, Simon & I questioned Joey’s decision to question Shekyn’s way…and that is what makes it so cool. We could all just say yes, and go back to our lives, but we instead question in order to gain insight or be introduced to something we had never thought of. Savvy?

        @ Joey: Now that the spurring is over , what you say we go get ourselves a drink? *whispering* Do you think we’ll be in trouble if we ask for irish coffee?

  10. Hehehehe…this change business is turning into a maze and me feel a bit dizzy.

    I also looked up a word ;): introspection: the act of looking within oneself. So it seems that some change is inevitable but what at level and for whom is what seems to be at question.

    At the end of the day, some tweaking will be needed in order for relationships to thrive. Sometimes we change for ourselves or we change for someone else (which = change for your relationship = happiness (hopefully!) = self). Note, tweaking, not overhaul.

    That’s the sermon I am taking away from @joeytales, not the verses.

    @Danas, I like the way you just picked out that point and ran with it 😀

    • @P44…talk to Google and he will tell you all those things which is what amazed me :-). maybe my Google is not the good one. But on the change part, fems said it well, “you reduce your night outs coz your lady is at home”…which i like 🙂 isn’t that change already. anyway, since i know we do change some things from the way we do them coz there is a person you truly love and when they are happy, you are happy, i wont dwell on that. @ butterscotch..i got that point from Google 🙂

      I still dont believe that if i read lovemaking101 or sex101 (assuming the two are different) i will move from “dull” to “mindblowing”. people read books and when you ask them what they have read, its evaporated. how am i supposed to remember what the book/net/friend said i should do and there i am naked and trying to wonder if this time it will be dull or mind blowing?? thats pressure already and chances are i will forget what i read. i think, instead i should be focusing on whats about to happen not trying to remember notes!!! if i have not fed my mind that lovemaking/sex is ok with the person i am with and its about the two of us, it will be dull. if my mind is not receptive, i may be holding that page of kamasutra behind his back and i will just see stars and i will be wondering why am down there (or up there) in the first place. but this is me…we are all different!!!!

      • That is very funny Danas! I actually laughed out loud. Anyway, while it evaporates on some people, it sticks in the minds of those who top the class. Hehe but like you said, we are all different.

      • Ms Danas, if you and your man are happy with things the way they are, then ignore the rest of us idiots (and google) and jienjoy. 🙂 If it aint broke…

        And if, and this is a big if, if either of you ever feels the need to mix it up, then you’ll figure it out as you see fit. I figure if you have passion for what (or who in this case) you do, then you will do it well, because you know no other way to do it. That’s what passion is about.

        Here’s to being different…

  11. JOEY: I think those with serious questions about your post were too gracious when they let you off easy by deciding to agree to disagree with you.

    You write well (I have looked at your blog) but this post was poorly written. When writing a social article the writer is supposed to know that his or her work will be questioned. Social commentaries are supposed to make the reader question and think and question. Debates will arise because we all have different ideologies. For this reason the writer is supposed to make sure that the arguments he or she puts across should stay true to the point he or she wants to make. Every point, example even pictures should be connected and should hold. If an example is weak then edit it out from your final draft. Chastising a reader for being selective when they are merely pointing out the areas they have a problem with is lame. I repeat: Each point, example and picture should stay true to your argument. Your article should be that airtight. If it is not then something is amiss. Give your first draft to someone else for a second opinion. Go over it word by word. Do not use words or statements that will leave your article open to misinterpretation. Arm yourself with a dictionary and thesaurus. Rewrite it.

    Your opinion on relationships is interesting. I do not agree with it and I do find some of your comments sexist but you are allowed to have that opinion and you are entitled to pursue your idea of happiness.

    What worries me is that some women will be deluded into thinking that they can go into a relationship and change a man. No one can change a man. You can influence if you are with the right partner but ultimately the decision to change rests with the man. If a woman wants to make changes to her life, she should do so because she fully understands why she needs that change not because another person told her it is the way to go. This was what some readers were trying to point out but for some reason it was not making sense to others.

    • Wow! You raise important points but it is the way you raise them that leaves a lot to be desired. You have decided to give JOEY a lesson on writing,which is not bad but you do not scheme through someone’s piece of writing and misquote them in a bid to prove a point.Your last paragraph is out of context for example.
      I do not even agree that when you write on social issues,you need to make your
      article airtight. This is because there are many ways of looking at social issues.I could be wrong but again,this is just my opinion.

  12. I think this is a clear case of where the writer is able to say, “IM RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU READ BUT NOT WHAT YOU UNDERSTAND/INTERPRET.” He clearly states in the 1st paragraph,

    “If you really treasure the one you’re with, if you see yourself being with him/her for years to come, then you will feel the need to please your partner, meaning there’s a lot you will have to change about yourself.”

    Key words here being CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF. I just don’t get why people are dwelling on changing your partner. Its about changing yourself. That is where the main argument should be. If you should change or not. On changing your partner, I think its just wrong and also think it someone should write about it because its clearly a topic bugging the ladies….

    • @Fems, you’re clearly grasped what I’m frantically trying to put across. I’m glad you found your way to this blog.

      @Teresa – Wassup. Believe you me, I took my time to come up with this post and that’s why I’m defending my views like my life depends on it. I find it interesting you do not have any valid tangible instances as to why you think this article is poorly written.

      When someone misquotes me and takes a segment of my sentence and runs away with it (I liked that Butterscotch), how is that dispassionate? You used a strong word there, I would not chastised anyone.

      “…some women will be deluded into thinking that they can go into a relationship and change a man.” Really Teresa? After reading this blog? Jeez I swear if the majority of readers pick that from this article, I will stop writing and try painting.

      Do I have to quote myself again? I’m afraid that line is beginning to sound like one of those hymn choruses.

      Thanks for going through my blog.

  13. Damn, i feel like I am joining the conversation too late, when the fire has been put out but you know what….here is my two cents!

    INTROSPECTION…… i love this word, first its something new i have learnt and secondly because i can relate to it. I have even tweeted and Fbd this word! This is my Motto which i will try to adhere to, now more than ever!

    I am trying to get into a habit of reading……so i didn’t read everything word for word! In any relationship we have to call it change, accommodate or compromise but to achieve it genuinely or wholeheartedly we have to “INTROSPECT”. Its something that you recognize you have to do and then are willing to do and then do it!

    Sex……first of all its the SHIT! There is nothing as strong, beautiful, naughty, time consuming(worth it). Its simply SEXY! Now am horny….lol! Its gets better with time, if you learn how to please each other and how to achieve this is by talking about it, trying new shit out, having it whenever you can (long sessions or quickies), researching, reading……some of which you do together with your partner or by yourself so that the next time you do it…….so they are like where the HELL DID THAT COME FROM………SURPRISE A DUDE/DUDETTE!

    Such passion is innocent and bare( this can also be naked) and if you embrace this because you are letting someone know/experience you in a way no one else is, then life with someone you love should be this way. Experience it with someone in the most bare innocent way as you keep learning each other, talking to each other, introspecting and this is done for the common good!

    Joeytales…….I am with you, even if you are an impatient idiot!!!!!! and Nyambura i will be part of the irish coffee plan

    • Okay I have a feeling you will wake up in the middle of the night shouting INTROSPECTION! Anyway I am glad you got the point. About being impatient, I am working on it; as for being an idiot… not a chance.

  14. Joey,
    You know I like your writing but there is a lot we are going to agree to disagree on on this one.

    I think a lot has already been said about the topic but what I am choosing to get from this post is that change is inevitable. Something I know and admire about life. There is a quote I like that goes something like “every ten years I look back at the person I was ten years ago and wonder ‘what the hell was wrong with you back then?'” I like this quote because whether we want to or not. That however, does not mean that we will change our CORE values or who we really are for someone else. And this, is where you are I are going to disagree.

    I strongly believe in “Never change who you are to please someone else.” There are things I am willing (and able) to TWEAK about my personality to please/accommodate my loved ones’ personality or wishes but changing who I am? Hell NO!!! I compromise so as to make myself and others happy but the moment I have to change who I am to make someone happy, it is almost guaranteed that I will mourn my lost identity sooner or later.

    For instance, I am somewhat of an introvert. In my own perfect world, i’d rather people not haul me to clubs after an hour’s notice on a Friday or Saturday night. I’d rather sit at home and read a good book, or entertain at my place, or go watch a nice movie and other such low key events. Every once in a while however, I am hauled to a club because my presence there is of importance to someone who means a lot to me or a good friend or a sibling. Just because I am willing to go there for them though does not mean that I will show up at the club every weekend or that I will expect them to ‘stay in’ with me when they could be out there having fun their way. That, would compromise the essence of who I am and who they are.

    You contradicted yourself too much on this one Joey, says the part of me thats your fan. But, the part of me thats your editor (to be lol) says this is a pretty darn topic to attack. See how much emotion and opinions its raised in us (your readers?)

    Did I manage to mention that I agree with the overall message of this post?

    Thanks for redirecting me back to Project 44. They are back on my bookmarks.

    • Now,where does the piece talk about changing yourself fundamentally? JOEY raises what i will call ‘micro issues’ yet they are the ones that cause strain in many relationships. That is why he gives examples such as table manners.To me,someone’s values are fundamental and no one is advocating for this because in the first place what would you be doing with someone if you are fundamentally different?

      The same emotions and opinions that have been raised here tell you part of why relationships strain.-kila mtu anataka kukaa ngumu. But i think it is great that we kinda agree that change is inevitable. Like Project 44 likes to say,let’s keep sane.

      • @Sarah, it’s nice to see you here! I do not think I have contradicted myself one bit. I think it’s the way you interpreted the post because I actually agree with you here. Not once did I say that you need to do an overhaul of your entire personality. I believe Mimi has clarified it for us.

        @Mimi, thanks for that clarification! You put it well and I’m glad you grasped what I’ve been trying to put across.

      • Joey & Mimi,
        I think we all agree on the overall message. It’s the opening quote I am having a major problem with, and the whole giving men direction thing, and…well I am just going to stop there coz I think Nyambura & a few others have already said what is puzzling in this.

        We all understand things differently, and that is the beauty of life. Can you imagine if we all had the same view point on things? It would be such a dull life.
        PS: I just noticed how many writing mistakes are in my first post. I am sorry y’all had to sit through that. Next time i’ll refrain from writing when I am exhausted.

  15. Kumbe….boy genius sometimes you observe well en draw some pretty informed conclusions. Im may not agree with everything written but the drift of thought is spot on.
    Right there in you I see the next presenter of Mentality on K24. Kudos.

    • Boy genius!! It’s nice to see you here!! Glad to see you got the concept.

      Haha can you imagine sitting with Kwach for a discussion?

      Cheers mate!

  16. Readers please find time to check out page 20 of Saturday nation (June 30th issue) regarding relationships. Point 3 is about spicing up your sex life and it coincides with a point I made here.

  17. What a week here at project44! We were glad,very glad that you had your say and came back here to either clarify your thoughts or follow-up on comments.We were all curious:)

    We hope that we all learnt something in the process,it seems that we agree that change is inevitable,for whatever reason-whether we change for self or for our significant other,at the end of the day,what we all want are healthy relationships, or don’t we?

    Thanks JOEY for finding time to write and respond to comments.We are looking forward to have you on this ‘stage’ again.You were amazing!

    • Thank you Project44 for having me. Like I said, it was a thought-provoking experience and I totally enjoyed the challenge.

      I will definitely show up in your house again sometime.

      Cheers and continue keeping up sane!

  18. @joytales sorry to check in late,but I must commend you for a great post….we all have read or heard that Change is nursery to music….behind a successful man is a wonderful woman…bla bla bla…am in shock at the levels of harmful splitting hairs on different perception..being right is not the coolest thing,correcting the strain is cool…if the world is changing..who’re we?for me life is my college and I pray I learn and graduate with honors..@Simon n @fems thank u for being cool in my understanding…
    @sarah lord have mercy…it’s not cool to water someone’s effort n time down in full view of the audience block…thanks..
    Life is a choice,you wanna be happy,you might have to step up or tone down…
    “a special someone told me,his first sexual experience he literally ran away,and he wasn’t sure who was more shocked,him or the woman,I laughed to tears…he told me,men work hard at getting it right to pleasure a woman and hence it’s shocking how most of us want to hear none of it…Good luck to all thank @Joey(amazing)

  19. Naomi,
    Am I being prayed upon & called uncool because I have a different view point?

    Believe me, I did not take my time and effort to comment on the subject just so I could “water down” Joey’s time & effort. I meant it when I said that this was a pretty darn good topic to write about & I also meant it when I said that some points do not sit well with me even though I agree with the overall message that change is inevitable. However, I sincerely apologize to those who’ve been inconvenienced by my different view points and my presence here. That was not my intention & it will not happen again.

    Joey, keep doing what you are doing.

    • @sarah am so dearly sorry I mixed up the names but the lord have mercy lines were meant for @teresa who disputed the write up…not difference in opinion kindly read n i pray u ll gather the error was on names pole dear..I may need to counter check least am wrong once again. My sincere apologies to u…warm regards n great week..

Comments are closed.