The reason many of us are here “Restoring Sanity” is that we want to have and maintain happy and fulfilling relationships. Now, that does not mean that we expect our love-lives to be all smooth sailing, but that we learn how to deal with what the relationships bring along in ways that will be fulfilling for us and our partners.
In this day and age, there is a lot of motivational rhetoric urging us to go out there and take what is ours, what we want; that opportunities in life will not come knocking on the door of the 6th floor flat where we live. Heck, the lesson of working hard for what we want was instilled in many of us from a very young age. We imbibed that wine but with time, I have come to ask myself whether that question applies to relationships. (The violent shall take it by force?)
Gone are the days when most Eves wait for men interested in them to come and plant a spear outside their parents’ homesteads (or whatever other feats men had to accomplish to make their amorous intentions known). Time has evolved and Eves go out there to search for opportunities in life – here we talk about career, education, a new lease in life and more importantly, in love. I believe that there is nothing wrong in going out there to find what is good for you and your heart – if you don’t find it for yourself, trust me, no one else will do it for you. However, in the quest to find and keep Adam (hopefully not by tying him on a leash or handcuffing him to the bedroom furniture), Eves sometimes act in a way which Adam makes good use of his feet and walk (sometimes even sprint) in the opposite direction.
Here are some pointers to keep in mind to stop Adam from sprinting:
- Sex and Adam are buddies, but Adam’s chemical reactions from the waist down can be so disconnected from his emotional feelings that you wonder if they are part and parcel of the same being. So if you give him the cookie jar, he will dive into it, and Eve is not allowed to demand a relationship based on the fact that Adam now knows what the cookie tastes like (or is it how the cookie crumbles? ;))
- Most Eves like Adam to call/text at regular intervals but this is a desire that Adams sometimes have difficulty fulfilling. Yes, waiting for communication can be unnerving especially in the early stages of the relationship. He gave you his number but you don’t need to instantaneously put him on the speed dial just yet; unless he has shown you that he does not mind you calling and texting at 15 minutes interval, you are contributing to a sprint in the other direction.
- Now that you and Adam are looking to spend time with each other, please do not make him feel like you are Siamese twins. You both need to have your own lives; otherwise one of you will begin to feel stifled (in most cases Adam). Yes, be unavailable sometimes (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that). Besides, you had a life before you met Adam, right?
- Public display of affection (PDA) is not something that most Adams are keen on. Yes, Adams are less verbal and more of action/inaction and this is one area where inaction is characteristic. Yes, you want to mark your territory and let other Eves (or even his boys) know that you and Adam have it going on, but unless you are sure that he is a PDA type of Adam and he may not sprint, this is usually a great turn off for most Adams.
- That most Eves want to walk down the aisle is no secret, but Adam will for sure sprint if all you do is drop hints at every opportunity; conversation does not always have to lead to the priest and the aisle. Generally, men tend to have an adverse reaction to the word ‘commitment’ especially when they are not ready for it. Now, being ready for commitment is a whole other topic, but suffice to say that some of those reasons remain unknown to Eve if she only looks at the relationship through Eve’s lens (ever heard of Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady?). No one is asking Eve to become Adam-like but sometimes trying to look at a relationship through a different lens can save you a lot of time which would have been wasted in a foiled relationship or can help you better things in your relationship. Due to the delicateness of this topic, it is advisable not to shove the topic of ‘settling down’ in his face – wait until he brings it up, unless you have been dating since karne ya ishirini (the last century) and there seems to be no ring (or spear) at the end of the tunnel.
- I have been told before that laying down an ultimatum for Adam is basically throwing the ball in Adam’s court. Now, Eve may think that this should work in her favour but the likelihood is that instead of dribbling and dunking the ball to score a basket for your relationship, he will take it and run off with it – in the opposite direction. This is not to say that there are no situations where Eve needs to take a stand – in fact, be sure to establish standards from the get-go and communicate these throughout the relationship. In the event that you find yourself having to give an ultimatum, maybe it is just a sign that something needs to give. Remember, the likelihood is Adam will not respond well to an ultimatum. If you do issue one, be ready to stand firm by what you said you would do if he doesn’t meet your ultimatum otherwise you will be a lame chicken in that (lame) relationship.
Have your say, won’t you?