That Silly Line

We have all been (or at least most us) in those relationship that are neither stagnating nor going anywhere. A reader of this great blog of ours (but do we say?) was in a relationship for about one year or slightly more. He, an established man in his education, career and single life and she, established in her education, career and love of life. (Now don’t take the love of life to mean that she was partying around, painting the town red and hanging from  bar stools – it just means that she loves life, loves herself and knows that all will be well). Now, when I say that Adam was well established in his single life, this evidenced itself in how the relationship came to fizzle out – somehow they reached the crossroads and based on what I know about Eve, she knew which path she wanted to follow. That would be the path of commitment. For Adam, his feet froze at the crossroads and suffice to say that even if the feet had been thawed out, he still wouldn’t have been inclined to move towards the path that Eve’s feet wanted to.

Now, I have written here before that I think there is no need to force commitment down someone’s throat if that is not where they intend to go in life. Admittedly, there are those who are not inclined towards commitment but some day they meet someone who rocks their world or something changes in the lives and their minds, and they decide to commit. That said, we need to appreciate that there are those who want to tie the knot and everything that comes with that territory (kids and all) and this is where it is important for Eve and Adam to be clear about what they have in mind when they get into a relationship. If I want commitment but I am in relationship with someone who is wishy-washy about long term commitment or his idea of commitment is nothing close to what I think it should be then I am most likely going to get screwed – and not in a nice way!!

Back to the real topic….

This Eve and Adam’s relationship withered away and in the end, she called it quits. As she had gotten so frustrated with being in a relationship where she was trying to get on the same page with a partner who was not really keen on the same thing, she wanted her space and she cut off all communication with Adam. A few months down the line after the break-up, Adam began sending her messages telling her “I miss you”; in the messages, he told her that he couldn’t believe that she was not with him and there was a chance for them to make something out of what they had. In fact, thanks to these man-made short messages á la phone, Adam expressed much more about what he felt about not having Eve around than he had about having Eve around whilst they still had the relationship.

Now, I have been a recipient of these “I miss you” messages myself. The truth is that when someone we liked enough to be in a relationship with sends us such messages, it is possible to interpret them to mean a lot of things. I know – they are just three words but trust me, they can mean a lot! I thought about these interpretations and came up with some conclusions:

  • “I miss you” is most often not a code for “I want you back”. Many of us may fall for the thought that “I miss you” means that the ex wants you back. Now, think about the flip-side; however much this person may have hurt you or however much you may have been let down, you do miss the person. I mean, you liked them, spent time with them and may have even shared a bed, floor, etc ;). But that doesn’t necessarily mean you want them back. It just points to the fact that they feel the absence of you and your being in their lives. It was ‘something’ they had, now they don’t.
  • If the “I miss you” messages are backed with an effort to makes things right, then they may count for something. You have something to look at more than just messages on your phone. When I say efforts, I mean EFFORTS – not just building castles in the air with words but some solid action. This would for example mean being prepared to look at what ailed the relationship and taking steps to taking things forward in a way that actually sustains that relationship for both parties in it. If all the effort the other party is making is from the comfort of whatever piece of furniture they have rested their backside on, then they are just that – messages.
  • “I miss you” messages that are just worth their face value stop you (and the other party) from moving on with your lives. Unabashedly, they can give you a false sense of hope and you continue to cling on to the idea of what could be. This means that you are unlikely to be in the heart-space and mind-space to move on, to getting used to not being in a relationship with this person and to look forward to what else life may bring – or to just being.
  • If you “shared” a bed, floor, or whatever other location, “I miss you” could mean that s/he misses just that – dipping into the cookie jar or smoking the cigar. You don’t need us to tell you that going back to satisfy the itch will probably not translate into getting the relationship back on the burner. Enough said.

If “I miss you” (I know it may sound like music to your relationship ego) doesn’t translate into a solid action for a relationship you want, I suggest that you let them do the missing away from your life. Gather yourself and move on with life. It is beautiful.

Have your say.

By Joyce

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21 thoughts on “That Silly Line

  1. This is an eye opener. You’ll never believe how these three words have initially created a relationship loop in my life.

    Now I know! Next time I need a few more paragraphs to accompany these 3 words and some action to boot. This issue of sneaking back into my life…cos of an itch?

    • What i can for sure is that you are not alone. I read a certain book and the guy said that the reason why Adam will come up with that silly line is because he is choosing everyday not to be with you.

      I have received those texts too,i call them lazy texts and yes,it makes me feel good
      BUT at the end of the day,we are still not together. So what is the point?

      Thanks for this piece and hope Eves and even Adams out there will stop falling for this silly line,because it is so empty……….and very silly.

  2. Lovely read and very true. Wonder no more why some people are usually caught up in the relationship hampster wheel. Those three sneaky words.

  3. Nice read Joyce. And as vivacioushy said, these 3 words should be followed by a paragraph before one can open the cookie jar for eve’s and for adams…well, its been said, dipping into the cookie jar (that’s funny 🙂

  4. Thanks @viva, Bezingo, Munene, Danas and Alex.

    @Munene, nice analogy re hampster wheel…heheheh
    @Danas – smoking the cigar or dipping into the cookie jar…hehehe

    • True ! “I miss you” doesn’t mean “Let’s get back into the relationship.” It means “Let’s get back together . . . literally ! My place, 10pm ! Or later if you fancy.” Just help me get rid of this . . . bulge in my pants.

      • ha ha ha Eves kwisa ! I wish all Eves out there could read this and take it seriously!!

  5. This is an awesome piece and it is so on point….. The truth will for sure set you free. As Eves we tend to go wrong when we analyze and read too much into I miss you, when he Adam does not have the kahunas to complete the sentence and wants to get away with murder and on the witness stand he will be like that is not what l meant, if you had let me finish……. l could have told you what l meant to say was l missed your cooking…… nkt!!!!!!!!

    • @ Ihuoma …… uummmm please read the previous blog (Press Play & Decode) as a prerequisite. Eve’s live by the sword, and so you should die by it too. And besides, you should be grateful that the Adams are sensitive enough to “ask” in such a polite way. It’s not about being scared. Just good old fashioned chivalry. And isn’t that what Eves are always screaming for?

  6. @Ghafla, Jajuok – you have come out and said it!
    @Jajuok, you have a funny rib on you but I don’t think that is the chivalry Eves expect – please read the previous post titled ‘The Experience’
    @ihuoma “we have missed you” hahahahah

  7. ” “I miss you” is most often not a code for “I want you back” ” Now you tell me? 🙂 Suffice to say I have fallen for this line in the past, hell, I think I may have used it myself in a moment of weakness (she says, looking away, all innocent like), and its all about the relationship ego you mentioned, we all like to think that they’ll miss us when we’re gone. What to do?

    Now that I’m done pretending to be serious I can say what I really came to say. Ms Joyce, when you’re good, you’re bloody brilliant! Whatever zone you got into while writing this one, stay there, don’t move. What are you doing? I said do not move… This was good, bloody bloody good…

  8. This i like. sounds like my story…..the one where the guy behaves badly and then comes back with those ‘i miss you’ , ‘ i want to see you’ , ‘i am thinking about you’ -silly lines

    I miss my ex,sometimes we talk and yes i get stroked ( my ego that is ) and makes me wonder if we are still meant to be. See how that that line messes your head up and you begin to think maybe,just maybe there is chance?. The truth is unless Adam or Eve comes back and says they want the relationship back,and prove to you that they are determined to make it work,that line remains just that- a silly line.

  9. @Alex, thanks! I think I had that fire in my belly again cos the silly line had vexed me at some point ;), just like doctor in the ‘Foreplay” post….heheheh
    @mimi, it can be quite silly (meaningless) but it does stroke the ego.

  10. A lot of times, we Adams don’t effectively foresee the effects of the things we say. Mostly inspired by the feelings (in our loins) that we spontaneously experience and respond to; in a caveman-like manner. Those three words may turn out to be your undoing coz they will be the glue that gladly hold you ransom in an unhappy place that you must have left for a reason. If someone confesses these words to you, sleep it off or give it some time to sink in. If you feel the same way about them a day/week/month down the line, give it some serious thought and find out if the situation is truly fixable. What you want to avoid though is putting a band aid on it. Sooner or later the band aid has to come off and guess where that situation will take you back to…

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