Dilemma

It is not always that Project 44 receives e-mails from people asking for advice. We are not counselors and we admit that our ‘expertise’ is limited. Often times, we have shared our experiences and also written about general issues that afflict relationships. Very recently, we received an email which read:

I have read some of your posts on relationships on Project 44.

Now I have an issue that a friend is dealing with and she has asked for my assistance but whatever I tell her seems to fall on deaf ears. Maybe you can assist her and at the same time help others who read your blog and are going through the same thing.

She is married but her husband seems to have these strings of women. Most of them do not know that he is married. He has a public profile and has been using women as a platform to raise money. I know at least 5 of them who think he will marry them as that is what he has been promising. He actually started dating another friend of mine and I put a stop to it before things went too far. She too didn’t know that he is a married man.


About a week ago my friend got a phone call from some two women telling her that they have been dating her husband and they just wanted to let her know since they found out he is a married man and wanted her to know what kind of man he is. She is the breadwinner in the family as the man does not work but makes keeps up appearances so that to outsiders, he appears wealthy and as if he runs various businesses though whatever little he has is from his wife.

How would you assist in such a case? She has thought about divorce but does not seem to want to go ahead with it because she has a 18-month old baby.

Admittedly, this is a weighty matter and a lot is at stake here. We welcome you to weigh in bearing in mind that this is a real situation so let’s aim for sanity. We also recognize that at the end of the day, the lady in question will have to make the decision not necessarily based on what will be said here, but based on her relationship, her situation and what she wants her life to look like.

Have your say.

Project 44

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15 thoughts on “Dilemma

  1. This seems like a situation someone i know is also going through.. When it comes to relationships especially marriages, it is the aggrieved spouse who knows exactly where the shoe pinches and how long they would accept to stay in those shoes. I would suggest she sits him down again and talks to him. if he does not listen involve at third party.. or family.. If he still does not see what his behaviour is doing to his marriage, I would happily tell the woman to move on. You never know what you have until you loose it. And it will dawn on the man very soon.

  2. @ Jeanette: Talk to him??? Wololo ya ye ! We’re talking about a chain offender . . . a repeat offender ! All that “stuff” about talking to him and involving a third party sounds nice and dandy for a first time kind of “mistake”. But obviously, that’s not the case here.

    (I’m about give away the secret to ALL relationships at the risk of retaliation from the Adams. So Eves, gather round and lean forward)

    There are no words which will penetrate this guy’s skull. Even if you call the whole village to talk to him. At this point, he only responds to one kind of stimulation. But that’s not even the problem. The real underlying issue is that she (or both of them – to be fair) let it get this far. I’m sorry to all the Adams, but none of us is smarter than any of these Eves. Having admitted that; I find it hard to comprehend how this particular Eve over-looked all of the infidelity over time. Most Eves prefer to ignore what Adams do and cross their fingers that nothing will come out of it. Or they parlay it to social conformity. “That’s just how Adams are.” or “It’s just a stage he’s going through.”
    No and no. High school is a stage. There more you give us, the more we take. An Adam will never truly respect an Eve unless she first respects herself. Some Eves might wonder what I mean by respect. Well, for starters, an Eve does not need an Adam to define who she is in society. We (as Africans and to a further extent religious believers) have strong foundations in the family structure. That’s why I understand the whole concept of trying everything to work things out, for better or worse . . . blah, blah, blah. But what values are you teaching the children in the meanwhile? Are you sending a message to your son that it’s okay to run amok with different people, and come home and expect a home cooked meal? What values are planting in your daughter? Is this how Eves want and should be treated? I don’t think so. I won’t even get started on the whole bread-winner part. Obviously he needs her more than she needs him. And there’s the whole disease part I don’t think I need to touch on either. Even a blind, deaf, and dumb person these days knows the health repercussions of sexual irresponsibility.
    I would give this Eve the same advice I would give my own sister/daughter/cousin/aunt. Pack your bags and don’t look back !

    • Well spoken. Many will probably say that it is not easy to walk out of a marriage. My question is,what is a marriage? The fact that these two live under the same roof and have a baby together does not make it a marriage.And this is what is destroying the society today;putting up with loads of bullshit in the name of protecting the family.

      Yes,there is a child involved,but would you live in this situation just because there is baby involved?Is this really about the baby because as it is, the man is not providing anything to/for this baby.From the sound of things,this situation might one day turn violent ( yes,doom i know) because that is what what happens when nurture and respect is lost between two people.So this child might grow to know violence as seen in the very home where she/he is supposed to feel sheltered and protected.

      I think the problem that we Eves have to deal with is to stop fearing the unknown. We need to accept when things are not working and move on regardless.As Steve Harvey would say,a man will respect a woman with standards,get some.

    • I agree.. Jajuok. he is a serial offender and sitting him down again may not make a difference. The best thing for her is to walk away and move on without him as he seems to be bringing and putting her down. What would it take for such a man to come to his senses though.

      • Nothing. He was never meant to be in a committed relationship to begin with. I my opinion, he’s just with her for the support she provides.

    • “There are no words which will penetrate this guy’s skull.” Sad but true. It sucks that he is doing all this in spite of the fact that he has young child with the woman. Many guys settle after fathering a kid but this guy sounds relentless. It might sound rather contradictory for me to say this but people hardly ever change. My advice is that she focuses on raising her child without exposing the child to dangers of living with such a man.

  3. I agree with Jajuok and mimi…..hard as it may seem especially because of society’s perception of someone having a failed marriage, I think the inevitable is just to walk – the truth is that, the marriage is already not working. At least, walk when your baby is 18 months old, that way they will not have to be witness to the undoings of the union – the child will likely be saved from having ‘bad’ memories.

    Given the situation, it’s hard to imagine what she needs him for….(please don’t say love)

    • Love is a decision. He’s already made his not to love her through his actions. Staying on is faith, but it could be blind faith. Time to move on.

  4. A dilemma indeed…If I understand correctly the general opinion here is that this public profile casanova has become big-headed as a result of his conquests. He has been let off the hook time and time again. Sadly the time for talking is over….as @butterscotch has put it , there is no marriage here to break up. It is time for the lady to send him packing……..just do it

  5. A smack across the face.

    That is what “your friend” requires, and urgently.

    If that does not work, let her stay in the relationship. Her pain shall be purnishment enough for staying.

    Such is the pity though that if the child is a girl, then the chain goes on, and if a boy, then we another poor woman in the near future going through what your friend is going through.

  6. This is a sad story. Jajuok, very well said. If she’s only staying for her child, she should leave. Children are very smart, and they see things that parents often try to hide from them. Staying for the sake of her child (aka settling) is not a solution, and she’ll have to deal with that later in life. For herself and for her baby.

  7. The face of Marriage has changed through the years, it is nothing like what it was for our parents, our grandparents that is a whole other subject all together. We have this discussion with friends, our parents unlike our grandparents are discovering that now since the children are all grown and living their own lives, we can do the same and part ways……. I concur we Eves need to stop fearing the unknown, if anything we should push forward and not stop because we are afraid. The Adam in this case is doing his thing regardless of her and the child- that alone speaks volumes of who it is that he is. Staying for the Eve does not work for her no way no how and her using the child is even a poor excuse- that same baby girl could turn around and say,’ l did not ask you to stay Mum’ This Eve has no idea what it is that she is missing by staring at a closed door, the possibilities are endless. She needs to be very honest with herself, and then use the fear of the unknown to her advantage and let it jumpstart her into her new life……. it is not easy, it will not be easy but that does not mean she should not do it.. She has come this far……

  8. Dear all, Thank you for your input in this issue. I have discussed with the lady concerned as I was telling her all the above before i informed her i would ask for other opinions here. Her fear has always been the stigma associated with divorce and not knowing what she would do on her own with her baby. But from what she read above, She has now said she knows what to do and will not give a damn what other people will think because of her failed marriage as long as she knows deep in her heart that she tried and it was one sided effort. She says thank you all for your input that is helping her make her decision about the future. .

    • @Akish, as she worries about the stigma, life is still going on in the society. People will talk, but to them, her pain is just their story. Eves are strong, and even if she doesn’t realize it now, she can be able to take care of her baby on her own. If there’s no happiness in marriage, of what value is it? If the husband can’t and won’t feel the pain he’s causing her, of what worth is she to him? She should know her worth. She’s done her best to hold on to it, now it’s time to move on, so that the hubby’s bad seed is not sown in her child.

      • True.. I made sure she read the posts here. I have been saying the same and i think it was good for her to hear from someone else other than old me…. At least she didnt think i influenced any of you. 🙂 . Thanks again for your input. She sys she is ready to decide on her next step and to move on.

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