The Weather Men

Have you heard of the song “It’s Raining Men”? This is how the song starts:

Humidity is rising

Barometer’s getting low….

The song then goes on to promise that about half past ten, it’s going to rain men…..and wishes for God to bless Mother Nature because she is a single woman too!

God bless Mother Nature indeed. I can’t say that it is raining men but indeed, there are MEN in this world and then there are men. And then there are the weather men. We are not talking about the weather men you see on your screen, conjecturing on what the weather is going to be like whilst swiping their hands over the general area of the Horn of Africa. We are talking about men who deliver real elements of weather right on your doorstep, sometimes through the front door and into your bedroom.

If you’ve had quite a significant dating life span (which means that you did not settle down at the age of 25 and went forth to bear children and raise a family), then you will certainly have had your fair share of weather men if you are an Eve or weather woman if you are an Adam. I certainly have had mine. Now, this is not to blame exes for the failure of relationships past but only to give examples of how men can (humongously ;)) contribute to the demise of relationships.

Sometimes we don’t get a warning sign

I am talking about men who will date a woman for a substantial period of time; they will invest time, money and affection in a relationship with this Eve and even talk about plans for the future. They will lead or leave Eve to believe that they have something good going, that they are in an exclusive relationship and short of proposing marriage, that they are going to settle down and raise a family, keep a cat or a dog and possibly a few farm animals in the yonder years. Then one sneaky day, they wake up and decided that the weather has been far too clear as far as this relationship is concerned and they proceed to unleash copious amounts of fog that eventually lead to the demise of that relationship. From that, I think you may decipher the Project 44 terminology: fog here refers to all those signals (or lack of them) that send unclear messages and bring doubts about a relationship, all coming from the blue – and from the blue here can also imply from a blue sky – which can be very confusing times indeed! Eve discovers that Adam actually has a whole other life planned with someone else or no one in particular and that after all, she has been in a relationship with a plan instead of a man. ‘It’s not her, it’s him’ – that kind of crap. You can imagine when you are driving through Kinungi or any other location where fog abounds: as a motorist, you can barely see ahead and it completely disorients you; you fear for your life because you don’t know what lies ahead and whether some mad motorist is going to be reckless and cause you harm. That is how it feels when you date a weather man who, after seemingly being in a relationship with, unleashes ‘FOG’ on your life and you are just left disoriented.

Long distance relationships are no walk on the beach; they require commitment and then some. Now, imagine dating a man who whilst you are miles apart from each other is very dedicated to the relationship, makes time to chat, does voice and video calls, emails you to tell you how he woke up thinking of you and sends you e-cards to tell you how much he misses. Then lo and behold, the day you happen to be in the same country or town or village, he proceeds to unleash what we call ‘mawingu na umande’ in Swahili (clouds and fog). Untold amounts of heavy clouds that threaten to rain on your parade because as soon as you are in the same ‘vicinity’ with this Adam, he becomes scarce. These fellows can be referred to as ‘the lords of umande’. Thick clouds form along the lines of communication and meeting up with him becomes like an attempt to move out of the green zone in Baghdad. You ask yourself why this man was so available when you were miles apart, but now that you are in the same latitude and longitude, it is such an effort to get to spend time with him. You wonder how he could have been so affectionate from afar and yet so unavailable when you are a stone throw away. You recognize that this weather man is bringing heavy condensation into your life, you smell a rat and the rest is history….

I am talking of men who are versed in leaving Eve feeling like she has just sped through a turnstile. Think of a man whom you are building a relationship with, getting to know each other and actually, getting to like each other a lot and just when you think that the prince you are about to kiss (assuming you haven’t taken a plunge and gone all the way) isn’t a frog, Adam just minuses himself from your life and disappears into thin air…..well, at least for a while. Try as you may, you cannot reach him and when you think back, you realize that you don’t have contacts of his family or friends; after all, you were only getting to know each other… imagine that something tragic has happened to him, you worry yourself sick wondering if he is lying in some hospital somewhere sick or even worse but you just don’t know what to do. Then a few days pass, you try to reach him again and this time you get through to him! Then as you talk to him you realize that something did happen to him – he just walked out of your life. Now those are the ones I call LOAFs – the lords of all things fog. They command ‘umande’ in all its entirety and proceed to unleash it on you.

Now, if you have experienced any of these or similar weather elements, especially in succession, then you are bound to feel like you have been run over by a steam roller and that unless the Messiah came down on a ladder, there is no hope in relationships. And who would blame you? After all, weather men tell you that the day will have a clear blue sky with a smile of sunshine and you dress for the weather, only for it to pour down later in the afternoon.

The beauty of life is that there are good men out there, not weather men, datable men whose meteorological expertise and aspirations are negligible, men who add to the value of love and life. Ask me, I know. But that’s another post altogether.

By Joyce


8 thoughts on “The Weather Men

  1. Get to know him.

    Take it from a weather man. You are rarely number one. For this weather man, I remember when season eight of 24 came up, every body complained that I was missing in action.

    We weathermen have other objects of our adoration and it is rarely women, or money or such other pursuits that “normal” men engage in.

    Your attention should not therefore be only on yourself and your likes but also to learn to read “your” man.

    Finally, out there, weathermen lovers do exist. I know. I have one. She knows that when Jack Bauer comes onto the big screen, she will cease to exist on my radar. She knows that anytime a Michael Jackson song comes on. She becomes, well, nothing to me.

    Dwell on it.

  2. The beauty of life is that there are good men out there, not weather men, datable men whose meteorological expertise and aspirations are negligible, men who add to the value of love and life

  3. Nice one! Umande galore.. 🙂
    “There are good men out there”.. :-O Let me know where you find them.. 😀

  4. This has got to be one of the best pieces on Project44,speaks to me directly and i am still laughing at some of the lines. What was that about blue sky again? But then again,why am i laughing because with every FOG and Umande that Adam commands and unleashes,it means starting afresh;and we all know how a fresh start can be daunting …initially …..even if there is a lot of excitement involved,no one wants to keep starting stuff,there should be an opportunity to see the fruition of something but these “Lords” will not allow it! I guess there is a large proportion of Adams out there,whose “knowledge of meteorological expertise and aspirations” is above negligible……they look like they are overqualified in their ability to generate “FOG”.

    “Then one sneaky day, they wake up and decided that the weather has been far too clear as far as this relationship is concerned and they proceed to unleash copious amounts of fog that eventually lead to the demise of that relationship”

    This is exactly the problem,sometimes,things come from blue and like you say,you are left feeling like you have “sped through a turnstile” and this is painful.

    But even as you use imagery to deliver this message,i have to say the close of the piece is nice “The beauty of life is that there are good men out there, not weather men, datable men”……….Yes there are, and this is a story for another day !

    Excellent Piece!

  5. Fridah is it really and truly out of the blue? Or is it more denial than anything? Looking back, there are signs, there are things that happen that require more than an eyebrow raising- things that should have not been pushed under the rug, ati am overacting, reading too much, being dramatic…. and whatever else we tell ourselves- or we have been told that we are being for asking ……. it is never that much out of the blue- we just didn’t see it.

    • @Ihuoma, nice to have you around here…..I would say that if there were signs, then that is not UMANDE ;), certainly not the copious kind that we are talking about

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