What Keeps Men Happy

As I was just starting to write this post, I thought that the title of the post could be even shorter – “how to keep a man”. Period. In this day and age when finding someone to date seems like a hunt for a big needle in a haystack, it would only seem imperative that one must have all the tips for keeping a relationship and keeping their significant other by their side. Any tips short of shackling them to the bedroom furniture or any other furniture in the house for that matter. The truth is that you can only ‘keep’ someone next to you if they want to stay. Sometimes keeping that relationship running requires a bit of engineering here and there, deeds that will stoke and keep the fires burning and those joints, balls and bearings well lubricated. I did a bit of research on what men like and it seems that although men are different individuals (as we all are), there are some commonalities that seem to stroke them the same way, bringing a feline …..OK, lion’s smile on their lips. These are some of the things they say keep men happy:

One of the things that many people seem to think opens a gateway to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Who doesn’t love a good meal? Whip him up a meal that will speak to his taste buds and his stomach; it doesn’t have to be a gourmet meal with a long European name, just something that will thrill him gastronomically. Now to be honest, the gastronomical ‘climax’ is usually left to what his mum cooks and frankly, no one is asking Eve to compete with these maternal culinary skills but for you to thrill him gastronomically, it means you will need to know your man. You will need to know what he likes and sometimes, what pleases him is just a simple dish made with lots of love and/or affection by his Eve.

Letting him feel and know that you need him. In this world where everyone is striving to make something of themselves, it is possible to be in a relationship where two peoples’ capabilities are growing and instead of cementing the relationship, this growth can cause a rift between Adam and Eve. Now, this is not say that someone (read Eve) has to concede but it is important that both people feel needed in the relationship otherwise it would beg the question of why they are together in the first place if they both feel self-fulfilled. So Eve, make your man feel and know that you need him; this does not only apply to changing the fuse when it blows (and here I don’t mean your internal fuse ;)), but giving him space to be a man in various aspects of the relationship. A certain wise man said that men’s natural instincts are to provide and protect.  Give him the space to do just that. Seeking his opinion will let him know that you value what he thinks. It is said that the ‘Miss Independence Syndrome’ only works to put men off – men need to feel needed. As has been said here before, showing him that you need him does not take anything away from who you are.

Swing from that bedroom chandelier and if you don’t have one yet, get one installed ASAP! Just kidding! There is all that talk about being a cougar in the bedroom. This is an area where apparently men don’t mind women taking a lead once in a while and pleasantly surprising them. You know the drill……I don’t think I need to elaborate 😉 but I will do just that…just a little bit. Kama Sutra was actually meant for human beings with extensive acrobatic capacities – well because all joints in the body are flexible, meaning they can assume a RANGE of positions. You may not be able to get into the ‘Lusty Leg Lift’ but you sure can get into a few of the others. Ignore this advice at your own peril.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. It is one of the vitals in keeping a good relationship running and we wrote about this a while ago, so I will not belabor the point. One of the most important aspects of respect for men is not being put in a position where they feel emasculated, especially not in public.  This varies from how a man is made to feel about the weight of his wallet or how Eve talks about him or to him in public; any action that may demean them is likely to push them away from Eve. It is just how men are engineered. That said, respect could have different meanings to different people, so it helps to know what respect means to your Adam.

We all love a good word about ourselves and this is especially true for men. Compliment him and expression appreciation for what he does, however simple an act it may seem. It does wonders to boost that ego and who knows who may end up hanging off those chandeliers! Still kidding! In addition, being that shoulder to lean on when skies are grey and the silver lining is all but sooty makes as much a difference as when you spur him on in his endeavors.

Above all, be sure to remain your own person and let him be his own person. Remember, you both ‘fell’ for each other (depending on what stage your relationship is at) because of things you saw in each other as individuals, not because you noticed the makings of a Siamese bond between the two of you. Don’t smother what you feel for each other, give it time to blossom and breath and that includes giving Adam his space.

This is apparently what makes men happy in a relationship. What do you think?

Have your say.

By Joyce

Angel, where are you?

I am forty-four years of age, with a good job having risen from an office assistant to the regional administrator, an old system sixth form drop-out. I am the first born in a family of six siblings all whom have ‘settled’. I am single and unattached, with no children of my own.

I am here today because I need help from you ladies and gentlemen of this site. I want to love and be loved in return. So, no fancy English or clichés; I will say it as it is therefore buckle up for it is going to be a bumpy ride.

I have had about ten relationships since I turned eighteen but all have ended, some acrimoniously, but most by mutual agreement and consent. In that regard, I have written down the main reasons that, in my opinion, led to the parting of ways and hope that out there somewhere, there could be an angel who meets the character traits that I am looking for.

Hair. Yes ladies. Hair. I hate those, may I call them things, which women put on over their hair. Nothing disgusts me more than a woman patting her head trying to reach an itch under the “thing.”

Scent. I have a very sensitive nose. Body odor, certain sprays, perfume, roll on, et al drive me right up the wall if not to my liking. Many are the occasions I have had to send underlings home to have a bath and change the perfume they are wearing for I simply could not work. It at some point even became an excuse for the women who wanted a morning or afternoon off to look up and put on a spray that they would know I would not like.

Music. I have a weakness for Michael Joseph Jackson and music of the eighties and early nineties. I can stand only a few local musicians like Czars, the Boomba train kid, E-Sir (RIP) and Kikuyu artists who did their thing in the sixties and early seventies. The result is that if you play any other music in my presence, I become restless and will most probably let off steam in a manner that might offend one.

FM stations. If it is not Classic105, Kiss100, EasyFM or BBC World Service, do not switch on the radio in my presence. I hate those local tribal FM stations with a passion. Many a time I have walked out at home, even back in the village for these are the main stations played.

I love action movies and legal series. I mean those with few if any mushy mushy scenes. Examples are 24, Suits, Strike Back, Boston Legal, 007 and so on. While other men go out and drink or do drugs for entertainment or simply as a way to relax, I put these on and can watch them all night or a whole weekend.

Dress code. I am very open with that. Wear anything you feel comfortable in, just not that stocking on the head. At least not in public and please, change night dresses once a year. What drives me crazy is a lovely woman going to the shop early in the morning to buy breakfast items wearing a stocking over her thing over her hair and a tattered nightdress.

Children. I do not want children of my own. However, I can play daddy for your daughter with ease. During the days of wars by a known and ‘banned criminal organization’ in Kirinyaga, one old man advised me not to join a group that was then a white-collar arm of the local organization. This saved me from being delivered to the “Hague” like the rest of them. He passed away later but before he did, he used to entrust his young daughter to me.

I soon discovered I like playing daddy where she was concerned. Babie, a delightful sixteen year girl is now so dear to me that I can kill for her. Babie’s mom and I had a brief affair but it did not work out although on discovering my entrusted relationship with Babie, she lets me visit and allows Babie to visit during holidays, mid-term breaks and I am also registered as her step father at her school.

Status. I do not mind your level of education or how much you make every month. I am also a spend thrift so I feel that we should have a joint account where all my income goes into and I feel that for our future’s sake, you ought to strictly control every shilling spent.

Meals. A decent meal once a day is all I ask for.

Figure. Again I do not mind but if you look like Rihanna, slender, small breasts, long legs, the better.

So, that’s me. However, to get some sort of balance, I did call up some of my past enamors and asked them what in their respective opinion was the good and the bad in me that led to our parting ways.

The good. The entire lot of them loved my dress code although old fashioned. Always in neatly pressed suits and especially shirts. Always in highly polished leather shoes no matter how old they were.

Ambition. Most gave me credit for having a highly ambitious mind especially where my job is concerned.

One at a time. I did not have another relationship while having one with each one. I never two-timed and always concentrated on one woman at a time. I also seemed to genuinely like children especially the girls but would go to any length to prevent having children of my own.

I do not drink, smoke, or do drugs. I did do cannabis sativa in the late eighties but this was because I repeated in a bush high school where this was compulsory.

The sex. The fact that I have a fetish for going down on my enamors is what came out clearly from all; I also love caressing and messaging women skin. It is so soft and delightful to touch. This seems to be the major thing they miss in their respective relationships after we parted ways. Otherwise I am just an average one-round-per-night-then-roll-over-and-sleep-in-a-snoring-fit-bloke to paraphrase Ms. Mutoko where matters sex are concerned.

The bad. They all accused me of being a snob. This came out in my choice of music and television stations. I cannot stand Naija movies, tribal FM stations, the Royal Media Group stations, Mexican and Asian soaps and the likes. The worst part was that I would develop an instant dislike for people who professed to enjoy the stations and therefore the snob tag.

Again, in as far as snobbery is concerned, I seem to be the only person each lady knew that did not like being at home – back in the village or ‘gichagi’ as is known in Kenya. Most would question me closely and it turns out as young boy, I never got over moving from town to gichagi. I therefore developed a disliking for anything ‘gichagi’ including the people and their respective habits and characteristics. The result is that I do not even have a cube or house in my father’s homestead.

Moody. I was accused of being a loner. So close yet so distant and would often disappear into myself and my movies. Any time I put on 24 or any action movie or television series, the lady would immediately know that I was no longer in the house – physical presence notwithstanding.

Spendthrift. I have very little power in holding and investing my hard-earned cash. A very impulsive spender was another recurring accusation.

Children. Nobody seems to understand the reason why I do not want to have children of my own yet I seem to be so good with children, even to the extent of being a very good step-father.

The general dislike involved being a workaholic or using my job as an excuse to a function where I was not having fun. Many a day I would leave the house or home on the pretext that I was going to work even on Sundays, public holidays or during family get together functions.

My relationship with God does not also seem to come out clearly. I cannot stand local but like American and British Gospel music. I even bought a Women of Faith VCD once. I also cannot stand local preachers but I remember having fun listening to a Briton Reverend who visited our local Anglican Church. I also attend church when my step-daughter asks me to accompany her. The rest of the time I simply cannot be bothered. It is usually so boring and I find myself looking at the women and the dress code for the men.

There you have it. That is Mahe Goat for you. Do not feel constrained to comment. Let me have it all and if there is someone out there who can stand me, give me a call and I will promise heaven.

By Mahe Goat – Guest Writer

Email: mahe.goat@yahoo.com

Letting Go

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go” – Unknown quotes

There is something about these words, “letting go”, that just makes the heart to skip a beat, probably because it has a negative feel to it. The just concluded US elections come to mind. I read that Mitt was “shell-shocked” when the results started streaming in, and it was clear that BO was not about to go anywhere. Mitt came out to meet his supporters and concede, but not before telling his campaign manager “it’s over”. To his credit, he gave a dignified speech,it was evident that he had to let go of his dreams to become the  President. He said, “We left everything in the battlefield”. Mitt’s campaign had ignored the pundits – that BO was going to win – and hoped that somehow, they could craft a winning path.

Aren’t relationships a little bit like this scenario sometimes? Because often times, and this of course depends how long the relationships has lasted, we can take stock and be able to tell whether it is working or not.Nonetheless, even with unresponsive ‘vital signs’, we still make that decision to continue being in the relationship, putting our hopes so high,and the reasons or justification for this varies from person to person. Sometimes there is justification to hang in there – you probably feel strongly that, maybe, just maybe, with a little more time, you might manage to move the relationship from the ‘high dependency unit’ and give it a new lease of life. You might also feel the need to work on important aspects of the relationship that have been neglected – we know of relationships that pulled out of some dark phases to emerge strong.

However, there is another reason why people sometimes fail or refuse to let go: the fear of being alone coupled with the feeling that the investment is too big to let go. Truth be told, relationships require an enormous amount of sacrifice, and there are those of us who give our all when we get into one. So the idea of letting go sometimes seems so difficult.  I do not know if any of you remember Hilary Clinton’s run in 2007? She too had a lot of difficulties letting go, she said, “we will not stop until every vote is counted” even when it was clear that BO had hit the threshold for nomination. Obviously, she had invested so much, her hubby had been out on the campaign trail vouching for her, but the BO machine was unstoppable, she was up against so many people with vested interests including the black folk feeling that ‘their time had come’ and young voters with ‘primitive energy’ (hehehehe – just kidding!). So in the end, even with the heavy investment, she came out and later made a dignified speech, jumped onto the BO bandwagon and we all know that other doors opened after that.

When it comes to relationships, I think we need that discerning mind, so that when one door closes, we stop to focus on it and look at others that may be opening. This way, we stop hanging on relationships that have no semblance of who we are, or what we deserve. I get it that for Eve, Big Ben gongs louder than before. You are now aware of the clock, thanks to the constant reminders within and around you. And maybe you have all your hopes tethered on this Adam, only that he has nothing close to giving you what you want from a committed relationship. The red flag is flying at full mast and flapping furiously. You recognize it for what it is, but harbor the hopes that maybe the strength of the ‘wind’ will weaken and the relationship will survive. The investment is too much to ‘just let go’.

The same can be said of Adam, sticking with an Eve who you know deep within, does not fit the bill. She does not treat you right, she is in it more for what she gets from you than what you are with/to each other; or maybe just like Eve, you feel that you have invested too much so that moving forward seems impossible, not to mention that the “cookie jar” is likely to get shut immediately you voice concerns about the focus (or lack thereof) of the relationship.

We all know that it is not easy to drop hopes and dreams and move on. But there comes a time in relationships when hard and wise decisions have to be made. One of these times is when a relationship does not meet expectations or is just not going well. And by this, I do not mean unrealistic expectations but the basis of what a good relationship is or should feel like. From experience, I can say that, a relationship has a greater chance of succeeding when two people want the same things. But humanly speaking, sometimes, we just hang in there, forgetting one thing: being in a relationship that is not functional or fulfilling, is not only detrimental to us, it also denies us the chance to meet someone else who we are likely to be happier or in sync with. Not letting go denies us the possibilities out there – the possibility to explore new relationships and new experiences.

When you let go, you feel like a door is getting shut, and that makes you look back constantly, wondering about what would have been. It requires courage to accept facts and move on. I think it also shows that you not only care about yourself but also the other  person well enough to let them know that holding on to a crumbling relationship only does a disservice to both parties.

Just like Mitt and Hillary, we know it is OK to show tenacity, to hope, to dream and give everything to make those dreams come true. However, we also learn that it is also possible to bow out with dignity, especially when you know that you gave it your best shot (left everything on the battle field) and without all that gab about “it’s not you, it is me” (such a tired line :));  just be open and straight forward with the other person, and tell them there is indeed a need to pursue another winning path.

Let each other go, let each other fly till they find a favorable abode. For in essence, as you get crushed from seeing the door closing behind, a gate may be waiting to be opened right in front of you, an opening through which you go on to meet the Right One.

Have a good week!

By Fridah

An Ode

He broke my heart

Shattered it like glass

I watched as the glass that was my heart fell

Only I didn’t hear the thud as it hit the bottom

And shattered into pieces

I had already rehearsed this

So many times before when he let me down

And I just took it lying down

 

I had foreseen this breakup

That was the sensible me

Only the romantic in me kept wishing

Kept waiting for something different to happen

For him to say or do something that would turn

The pivot on that relationship

With every romanticized hope

I turned the notch for coldness in my heart a degree lower

 

So when the time came

I had already checked into that space

A space where all I felt was numbness

Where in all fact I felt nothing

I was frozen inside

My heart and body had been skewed

To an angle that recognized no warmth

That recognized no emotion

That only registered indifference

 

I didn’t fall apart

I was angry

The taste for vengeance always on my tongue

But I did not lose it

I held it together

The numbness

I did not shed a tear

 

Scarred is what I was

For when I met other men

New men

Nothing stirred inside

I was like David Blaine

Encased in a block of ice

Only mine wasn’t experimental

And lasted well beyond 63 hours

It lasted months

The scarring went deep

 

They say that emotional loss has five stages

But I felt like a stooge

Only in one big void of a stage

Friends couldn’t relate

When I told them about this phase

They kept hoping

For my sake

That I would pick up and move on

There was life to be lived

 

But I felt like there were no pieces to be picked up

I felt like this feeling would not go away

I wore a frown inside

Wondering when I would feel

A tickle

A tingle

A stir

 

And then it came

 

At first, my heart paid no mind

Every beat of my heart resounded caution

Like a child’s fingers curls away from fire

It wasn’t the first time

But this time

This was the hardest I’d been broken

But I knew that there had to be another chance

 

So when he came along

I knew I had to let my heart thaw out

This block of ice had served its purpose

 

And so it came

The revival

A stirring deep within

That slowly started a swirl of emotions

Ones that my body had long failed to recognize

A slight but tectonic shift

The rabble of butterflies fluttering inside me

The awakening

Of desire

Of liking

Of recognizing warmth

Under a blanket of stars

I embraced him

And let hope flourish

Oh, how beautiful life is

When hope and love flourish

 

 

By Joyce