An Ode

He broke my heart

Shattered it like glass

I watched as the glass that was my heart fell

Only I didn’t hear the thud as it hit the bottom

And shattered into pieces

I had already rehearsed this

So many times before when he let me down

And I just took it lying down

 

I had foreseen this breakup

That was the sensible me

Only the romantic in me kept wishing

Kept waiting for something different to happen

For him to say or do something that would turn

The pivot on that relationship

With every romanticized hope

I turned the notch for coldness in my heart a degree lower

 

So when the time came

I had already checked into that space

A space where all I felt was numbness

Where in all fact I felt nothing

I was frozen inside

My heart and body had been skewed

To an angle that recognized no warmth

That recognized no emotion

That only registered indifference

 

I didn’t fall apart

I was angry

The taste for vengeance always on my tongue

But I did not lose it

I held it together

The numbness

I did not shed a tear

 

Scarred is what I was

For when I met other men

New men

Nothing stirred inside

I was like David Blaine

Encased in a block of ice

Only mine wasn’t experimental

And lasted well beyond 63 hours

It lasted months

The scarring went deep

 

They say that emotional loss has five stages

But I felt like a stooge

Only in one big void of a stage

Friends couldn’t relate

When I told them about this phase

They kept hoping

For my sake

That I would pick up and move on

There was life to be lived

 

But I felt like there were no pieces to be picked up

I felt like this feeling would not go away

I wore a frown inside

Wondering when I would feel

A tickle

A tingle

A stir

 

And then it came

 

At first, my heart paid no mind

Every beat of my heart resounded caution

Like a child’s fingers curls away from fire

It wasn’t the first time

But this time

This was the hardest I’d been broken

But I knew that there had to be another chance

 

So when he came along

I knew I had to let my heart thaw out

This block of ice had served its purpose

 

And so it came

The revival

A stirring deep within

That slowly started a swirl of emotions

Ones that my body had long failed to recognize

A slight but tectonic shift

The rabble of butterflies fluttering inside me

The awakening

Of desire

Of liking

Of recognizing warmth

Under a blanket of stars

I embraced him

And let hope flourish

Oh, how beautiful life is

When hope and love flourish

 

 

By Joyce

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23 thoughts on “An Ode

  1. You changed.
    Oh why did you have to change?

    You never wore those “things” on your head
    When you met.
    Now you do.

    You used to wear Nina R.
    Now you wear ‘that’ scent
    reminds him of the cow urinating
    when he milked

    You made him dinner every night
    Now its Kenchick, take away, the maid or eggs ugali
    What happened to those super recipes?

    You used to love Jack Bauer
    Now you say he is just another terrorist
    Like all the others, kill, maim, hurt

    You used to love Kiss100 and Classic105
    Now all you want to listen to is those Religious Fundamentalist Stations
    and the tribal FMs

    Mathogothanio used to be free and spontaneous
    Now all you say is “cover me up when you are through”
    If you were not too tired from the office that is.

    You used to go home for the festivities
    Now all you want is to go to Malindi, Mombasa, South Coast
    to let off steam you say.

    The single room used to be okay with you
    Now it must be Runda or nowhere

    And now
    On the rebound
    You want to hurt another poor Adam

    You changed.
    Oh why did you have to change?

    • it is NOT that dramatic, honestly. i think we spend too much time trying to dissect reasons why love ends sometimes. well, it ends. u give it freely in the first place, there is no need for fault finding when it ends,lol

      • He BROKE my heart SHATTERED it like glass

        If that is not dramatic, what is?

        I want to believe that love is a two way traffic, I love you, you love me.

        It should be unconditional. However, there are certain boundaries we should respectively not cross. Let me know what yours are and I will let you know what are mine.

        Should I cross yours constantly and with no apology, it will ebb away.

      • To paraphrase the post, is that the sensible or the romantic in you?

        Have you ever watched a person pick up a cherished piece of cutlery and dropped it, shattering it.

        The sensible in you would like, nay, demand to know the reason, I believe.

        If all you want is a one sided piece of poetry on the emotions behind a broken heart, you are on the wrong planet.

        The last time I checked, this is blog about relationships. R E L A T I O N S H I P S. Not reflections and conversations during the girls’ night out or Saturday afternoon sojourn at the Salon. Or am I in the wrong blog.

        Mimi honey, how is that for a runt?

  2. I will call this ‘slices of Joyce’

    Raw emotions,mix of the fragility and resilience of the human heart.It is possible to overcome.

    Beautiful! Hope rises again !

  3. this is deep and i can so relate. you just spoke truths many people can neva put into words

  4. @kizzy, judy, alex, sokayjulo, pfimbiyangu, shekyn, famooz, mimi – thank you!

    @pfimbiyangu, we are loving your blog

    @sokayjulo and shekyn, it’s been a while since you had your say, good to have you around again.

    @bunny, you said it 😉

    • With every romanticized hope I turned the notch for coldness in my heart a degree lower…..

      Project 44 – Eve and Adam Restoring Sanity in Relationships.

      I, Mahe Goat, am very poor in relationships. I want to love and be loved in return. However, I cannot seem to find that lady who shall I shall walk with into the sunset.

      That is why I patronize Project44. But what am I getting? A blog version of those Kenyan television Mexican and Asian soap operas.

      In the Ode, what did he do or not do so that I can do it or avoid it respectively in MY relationship. All I am getting is ninety five percent emotions and four percent practicalities, hence my query, am I in the right blog?

      In my immediate former relationship, the boundaries were known to her right from day one, some enumerated in my “runt”.

      That is where I am coming from.

      • I get where Mahegoat is coming from, he’s asking for more, ladies, more ‘practicalities’ as he calls them, ‘solutions’ to us females. From what I understand, he’s looking for answers to the problems bedevilling relationships, yours, his, ours, some analysis, discussion maybe, something to shift the conversation from ‘this is what happened to me’ to ‘this is why it happened to me’. He’s been saying it for weeks now, dwell on it.

        That’s my 2 cents, I could be wrong, could be that he simply wants to hear some MJ, no?

        On to other matters, Ms Joyce, this was bloody brilliant! I don’t get poetry, so I may have missed the finer nuances, but I got the emotion. Thank you. Its good to finally meet you…

      • Now where is the ‘LIKE’ button, when you need it.

        Boss, this is my take.. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. If you want to date a fellow martian, one who resonates with you, I’m sorry to say that you’ll find him in trouser, with a dangling ‘something'(probably longer than yours;) )

        Life is short, you take what you get and work with it. If she changes, then adapt. Nobody is perfect, not you, not her, not …. (Well maybe me 🙂 )

        Love, I’ve always maintained, is a product of hard work. The harder the work, the deeper the love. Never asking how hard she’s working, but endeavoring to break your back. Even if its you doing all the work. In my own opinion.

  5. Alex, Alex, Alex.

    Where have thou been all my life?

    Joyce Dear, HOW did he break your heart?

  6. @Alex, the penny has dropped….have to confess that sometimes the conversations will dwell on the how and why and sometimes we may miss that mark but the great thing is that the conversations continue.

    Thanks and pleasure to meet you too.

    @Mahegoat, you are on the right blog…..the how is another post altogether.

  7. Lovely poem! A sad poem with a happy ending but there is also plenty to learn here. Isn’t this the story of the human condition. One always takes a risk when giving of themselves freely – but without giving, trusting, sharing how can we truly know love? The romantic part of you hoping for a different ending even when the writing is on the wall is a clear example of suspension of disbelief – how many of us read a book, watch a play or a film for the tenth time willing, hoping, perhaps even expecting a different ending….I love project44

  8. checking in late but i have to admit i loved the poetry. then i saw mahe goat’s poem…and i was excited till i composed mine which was something like …
    he claimed i changed
    because he was afraid
    afraid to love deeply
    afraid he was in love
    afraid he finally was at peace in love etc

    then i said to myself….well, this may look like an exchange. but no, it is my experience. so i have let the poetry be, because i shed a tear on what i thought was. Is it change that makes love go sour, is the change in us or those we claim to love. do we always claim its the other person that changed? well, am no expert. i hate love, i love my books!!! I escape into them.

    Please P44, encourage more of this poetry expression. i love it 🙂

    • @Danas, I wish I new the shortcut for the clapping smiley 😉

      Thanks for weighing in poetically. We shall encourage it as it definitely has it’s fans!

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