Angel, where are you?

I am forty-four years of age, with a good job having risen from an office assistant to the regional administrator, an old system sixth form drop-out. I am the first born in a family of six siblings all whom have ‘settled’. I am single and unattached, with no children of my own.

I am here today because I need help from you ladies and gentlemen of this site. I want to love and be loved in return. So, no fancy English or clichés; I will say it as it is therefore buckle up for it is going to be a bumpy ride.

I have had about ten relationships since I turned eighteen but all have ended, some acrimoniously, but most by mutual agreement and consent. In that regard, I have written down the main reasons that, in my opinion, led to the parting of ways and hope that out there somewhere, there could be an angel who meets the character traits that I am looking for.

Hair. Yes ladies. Hair. I hate those, may I call them things, which women put on over their hair. Nothing disgusts me more than a woman patting her head trying to reach an itch under the “thing.”

Scent. I have a very sensitive nose. Body odor, certain sprays, perfume, roll on, et al drive me right up the wall if not to my liking. Many are the occasions I have had to send underlings home to have a bath and change the perfume they are wearing for I simply could not work. It at some point even became an excuse for the women who wanted a morning or afternoon off to look up and put on a spray that they would know I would not like.

Music. I have a weakness for Michael Joseph Jackson and music of the eighties and early nineties. I can stand only a few local musicians like Czars, the Boomba train kid, E-Sir (RIP) and Kikuyu artists who did their thing in the sixties and early seventies. The result is that if you play any other music in my presence, I become restless and will most probably let off steam in a manner that might offend one.

FM stations. If it is not Classic105, Kiss100, EasyFM or BBC World Service, do not switch on the radio in my presence. I hate those local tribal FM stations with a passion. Many a time I have walked out at home, even back in the village for these are the main stations played.

I love action movies and legal series. I mean those with few if any mushy mushy scenes. Examples are 24, Suits, Strike Back, Boston Legal, 007 and so on. While other men go out and drink or do drugs for entertainment or simply as a way to relax, I put these on and can watch them all night or a whole weekend.

Dress code. I am very open with that. Wear anything you feel comfortable in, just not that stocking on the head. At least not in public and please, change night dresses once a year. What drives me crazy is a lovely woman going to the shop early in the morning to buy breakfast items wearing a stocking over her thing over her hair and a tattered nightdress.

Children. I do not want children of my own. However, I can play daddy for your daughter with ease. During the days of wars by a known and ‘banned criminal organization’ in Kirinyaga, one old man advised me not to join a group that was then a white-collar arm of the local organization. This saved me from being delivered to the “Hague” like the rest of them. He passed away later but before he did, he used to entrust his young daughter to me.

I soon discovered I like playing daddy where she was concerned. Babie, a delightful sixteen year girl is now so dear to me that I can kill for her. Babie’s mom and I had a brief affair but it did not work out although on discovering my entrusted relationship with Babie, she lets me visit and allows Babie to visit during holidays, mid-term breaks and I am also registered as her step father at her school.

Status. I do not mind your level of education or how much you make every month. I am also a spend thrift so I feel that we should have a joint account where all my income goes into and I feel that for our future’s sake, you ought to strictly control every shilling spent.

Meals. A decent meal once a day is all I ask for.

Figure. Again I do not mind but if you look like Rihanna, slender, small breasts, long legs, the better.

So, that’s me. However, to get some sort of balance, I did call up some of my past enamors and asked them what in their respective opinion was the good and the bad in me that led to our parting ways.

The good. The entire lot of them loved my dress code although old fashioned. Always in neatly pressed suits and especially shirts. Always in highly polished leather shoes no matter how old they were.

Ambition. Most gave me credit for having a highly ambitious mind especially where my job is concerned.

One at a time. I did not have another relationship while having one with each one. I never two-timed and always concentrated on one woman at a time. I also seemed to genuinely like children especially the girls but would go to any length to prevent having children of my own.

I do not drink, smoke, or do drugs. I did do cannabis sativa in the late eighties but this was because I repeated in a bush high school where this was compulsory.

The sex. The fact that I have a fetish for going down on my enamors is what came out clearly from all; I also love caressing and messaging women skin. It is so soft and delightful to touch. This seems to be the major thing they miss in their respective relationships after we parted ways. Otherwise I am just an average one-round-per-night-then-roll-over-and-sleep-in-a-snoring-fit-bloke to paraphrase Ms. Mutoko where matters sex are concerned.

The bad. They all accused me of being a snob. This came out in my choice of music and television stations. I cannot stand Naija movies, tribal FM stations, the Royal Media Group stations, Mexican and Asian soaps and the likes. The worst part was that I would develop an instant dislike for people who professed to enjoy the stations and therefore the snob tag.

Again, in as far as snobbery is concerned, I seem to be the only person each lady knew that did not like being at home – back in the village or ‘gichagi’ as is known in Kenya. Most would question me closely and it turns out as young boy, I never got over moving from town to gichagi. I therefore developed a disliking for anything ‘gichagi’ including the people and their respective habits and characteristics. The result is that I do not even have a cube or house in my father’s homestead.

Moody. I was accused of being a loner. So close yet so distant and would often disappear into myself and my movies. Any time I put on 24 or any action movie or television series, the lady would immediately know that I was no longer in the house – physical presence notwithstanding.

Spendthrift. I have very little power in holding and investing my hard-earned cash. A very impulsive spender was another recurring accusation.

Children. Nobody seems to understand the reason why I do not want to have children of my own yet I seem to be so good with children, even to the extent of being a very good step-father.

The general dislike involved being a workaholic or using my job as an excuse to a function where I was not having fun. Many a day I would leave the house or home on the pretext that I was going to work even on Sundays, public holidays or during family get together functions.

My relationship with God does not also seem to come out clearly. I cannot stand local but like American and British Gospel music. I even bought a Women of Faith VCD once. I also cannot stand local preachers but I remember having fun listening to a Briton Reverend who visited our local Anglican Church. I also attend church when my step-daughter asks me to accompany her. The rest of the time I simply cannot be bothered. It is usually so boring and I find myself looking at the women and the dress code for the men.

There you have it. That is Mahe Goat for you. Do not feel constrained to comment. Let me have it all and if there is someone out there who can stand me, give me a call and I will promise heaven.

By Mahe Goat – Guest Writer

Email: mahe.goat@yahoo.com

Advertisements

33 thoughts on “Angel, where are you?

  1. its not about someone not standing you , but i bet is the individuality interest in you , maybe your standards are too high or too low. each one of us is different that’s why when two people decide to stay together their love out weigh their differences . maybe just maybe you are desperate to have someone and one thing that that will make you not to have a partner is not having your own children. every couple would want something they own and something that they are proud off. You are too hard on yourself sometimes go out to the park and unwind. relationships and marriage need to be fun not a prison . ALL THE BEST.

  2. At this rate you’ll to organise a singles mingle…If i may. I hear men who want to settle down crying out but are too afraid to make the first move.

    Going to a relationship knowing you’ll never have a baby is a difficult choice…..

  3. Love is tolerant. You’ve got to tolerate some things if you desire to love and be loved in return. Otherwise next year, we’ll see an article starting with, “I am forty-five years of age, with a good job…” For instance, music, TV programs, radio stations…surely you can let go of such, right? Scent? Buy her what you like. Hair? Pay for her salon costs. For a spendthrift, it works out fine, no?

    On the good side, you could be a blessing to a single mum. You are good with children but you don’t want to father your own. But why do you have a preference of playing daddy to a daughter? Red flag?

  4. I had to have my say on this one @ Mahegoat !

    OK,I actually do no not think that you way OFF,we all have our boundaries,likes and dislikes.Eve would let you watch Jack Bauer until morning, and will not even drag you to church,however,that story about not wanting kids of your own will screw you up big time.She will run and you will never see her again 😦
    So you can stop searching,unless of course you meet Eve who does not want to have kids and is happy with all the other stuff that you have listed.
    That said,i think there is a part of you that is intriguing and scary at the same time !

  5. I hope you understand you’ll never find a perfect angel…one who has your exact likes and dislikes. If you would like someone who accepts you, warts and all, you should also be ready to be flexible. All the best!

  6. I’m reading this and thinking what? Mahe Goat is so complicated. You are good and bad simultaneously. I think you are so set in your ways that you are unwilling to budge to find someone that is actually likely to give you the love you so much deserve or are looking for. You have good qualities, and scary ones. Probably the reason God said that we were fearfully and wonderfully made. It would help if you could be at least a little bit more tolerant of other people. Communicate about your likes and dislikes and see when you can compromise or agree to disagree on. Since you do not want children of your own? Would you mind adoption or AI? Most women want to have babies and telling them that this is a no go zone is like telling them that you’d prefer if they were not females in the first place. PS. Children are a gift from God, they don’t come as easy as we’d always like….. unless you’re eighteen and your hormones are at their peak, all over the place. Saying that you do not want to have kids of your own makes you seem to mean and uncaring. Really, it does. Ask any woman. Good luck in finding your Angel.

    • AI? You kidding, I said I do not want children of my own (for now?) I did NOT say the equipment is flawed. To quote Bad Boys One, The character played by Martin Lawrence says: “…. when I come, I come with thunder!!”.

  7. We first borns have issues, don’t we? Some more than others.

    Would I be wrong to say you are already married? No? Yes, I think you are married to your job. I also think you don’t know yourself, you don’t know anything about life and where you would fit in someones life. Life is much much more than 24 and Michael Jackson (RIP). I may be 10 years younger than you, but I was you at some point in my life… that is until I lost my job.

    It was then that I took time out. Travelled within and without. Read books, read blogs, read people. Took time to rediscover myself, took time to rediscover the beauty that is life. All these for a period not less than 4 years but I am so thirsty for this life, that even I sometimes shock myself. I’m still learning and more importantly passing it on.

    Boss, IMHO you need that. You need to let go of those shores to discover distant lands.

  8. This post should be retitled, ‘the good, the bad and the ugly’.

    The good: A grown man willing to stand up and declare that he is looking to love and be loved, flaws and all. You, Mahe Goat, are a fabulously flawed creature, the likes of which we seldom see in these parts, and its absolutely brilliant! Yes, you have issues from here to TZ, but you recognise this and in several cases have worked out solutions to mitigate the situation, odd solutions, but solutions nonetheless. This suggests, to me, that you would be willing to negotiate around another person’s flaws (within limits, of course).

    The bad: Your stated dislike for Royal media group stations. Boss, Hot96 has the best music on radio.

    The ugly: Suggestions that your decision not to have children makes you a less than worthy suitor. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to not want to have children of your own, there are others out here who feel the same. In my world, you’re damn near the perfect man. Well, almost, the thing about being daddy preferably to girls is a bit…disconcerting? Point is, no children is just fine.

    Good luck with your angel search.

    PS. The fact that I’m your biggest fan today should in no way be taken to mean we agree, I shall go back to calling you out on your bollocks next week. 🙂

    PPS. @praying for a wife, after this post, and your eloquent comment above, you’re probably going to get a couple more emails, no? Ha! So what happened with your search, any luck? Follow up perhaps?

  9. hm, interesting….after ranting and calling this blog names just the other day, you found it worthy of posting your search? with a LIST of likes and dislikes? be who you be just remember not to try to shove your opinion around when you don’t ‘feel’ something

    you’re a man of skewed ways (esp that line about being playing daddy especially to girls)-not judging, just saying. good luck?

    • Mimi, honey, there are women out there who love and care for me, flawed as I am. They gave me the courage to see a counselor to whom I gave a longer version of what I have posted here.

      I will compare her, yes her, recommendations and suggestions to what I am getting in my in box and this thread and make a decision.

      I have played daddy. I am playing daddy so I have the experience and loving it every day. Two of my aunts have given me a thumps up on this. That is enough for me.

      Next thread is going to be about my naughty side. You will love it, I promise.

  10. After reading the second para i knew it was mahe goat!!! how? over the posts (like over the years 🙂 ) i have branded you arrogant, rude, self centered yet intriguing. I always wondered which woman would stand you. But sometimes i have thought about you. not because i like you, but to try and “read” you. I hope ur angel is out there for you. but she must be a snob, so when you sit on 24 she wont care you are around.

  11. It CANNOT be this easy.

    Nine emails, two men and six ladies all giving a thumbs up is not too bad it being only Tuesday.

    And three cellphone numbers. One cellphone number had “The way you make me feel” by the King of Popular Music (RIP) as a ringtone. DAMN !! I love Project44 after all.

    The girl thing. I am not comfortable with my father and uncles. Neither am I with my brothers and male relatives. We just exist because we are related by blood.

    Mother, sisters, aunties, female colleagues, female bosses are another case all together. Relationships with these are pure magic. They are the reason that I made this thread for they feel that out there somewhere, there is an Angel calling for me.

    My younger sisters and some cousins were usually left in my care so looking after girls started out early in my life. No conflicts there. However I was uncomfortable with my brothers and male relatives and I once remember giving my kid brother a bad beating once because of bad mouthing my sister.

    Again Babie is the only living soul I know who can walk into the room and remove a 24 dvd and insert one of those mikono njuu wapi nduruuuuuuu noise, sorry music dvd and I would never be offended about it. She has actually done it several times then looked down her pretty nose at me in challenge and I actually liked it. She is that special to me.

    Again, our community frowns on men marrying women with boys children from other relationships but are tolerant with girl children.

    In view of the above, I would hate to be a father to a boy(s) with my kind of attitude.

  12. this was an entertaining read… the weaves thing…eh man, am a lady but i soo feel u…weaves are not bad…but overstayed, undercared weaves r a trainwreck….
    as for ur flaws, well …dont they say ata simba ana wake…i therefore wish u luck….:-) ….

    • I need clarity from you as a lady. Would a lady without a weave be normal to you.

      If you walked into a business establishment and found two ladies, one with one and the other without one, would the weave determine in any way your choice of whom to serve you?

      • well…i never wear weaves so seeing a lady without one is pretty normal to me. i dont think a weave would determine who gives me service…that TMI for me… i just notice good ones and bad ones…

  13. An excellent guest post. It is a brave piece of work by someone who comes across as a regular chap – the boy next door, yes, a bloke most adams would definitely enjoy a pint with; (by the way do you like footie??). If honesty was the only thing that mattered you would have angels queueing from here to the foothills of the Ruwenzoris. I wish you all the best my brother…..

    • Actually, I saw a relationship counselor who asked me to write down what I thought were my weaknesses and strengths in as far as relationships were concerned including what the other party(ies) thought. This post is a short version. I will compare the responses here with the counselor’s recommendations.

      I also belief that the best lie is the truth hence my forth write honesty.

      Incidentally, I am a Gunners fan since my early childhood.

      • My brother would love you for this. Not the post ( heheheh) ,the fact that you are a gunner fan.

  14. FIrst, good thing that you are a gunner 🙂 However you also need to know that you cannot have everything your way in a relationship unless you want to go into a relationship with your own clone. There are some things she will not stand about you just as there are some things you will not stand about her. As much as I hate the Mexican soaps, I go to the bedroom to listen to my music when guys at home are watching those, the same way they find something else to so when I am watching footie or formula 1…As for music, it it ridiculous to thing that people must enjoy the same music that you listen to. Selfishness is the first thing you need to lose to have a successful relationship.

  15. @ mahegoat, how is the going bro. Have you come across people who can stand to be with you. If there are any, then even your angel is waiting, but learn to bear other peoples flaws, that’s why they are not your sisters

  16. @Mahegoat!!! Is this the same person I think I know? Take heart brother, but you surely have to compromise on some things…Do you think you are perfect for someone else? they most probably will compromise on something just to be with you…80-20 rule. I wish you all the best as you go on to search, but as @Famooz says, a lady will most probably want to see a baby…you may change your mind on that. Once you get a lady, be sure that the villagers will be looking at her stomach everytime she comes around (There was an article like this on this site).
    On the weave thing, you got it spot on!!! yo can find a whole ecosystem in those things!!! A lady with such can give you a hug, and yo wish you didn’t take in that breathe…
    All the best Mathenge….

  17. You desire companionship & commitment but in your own terms! Boss! In the real world that never happens..even Obama with all his charm & power can’t have his way 100% sembuse wewe! COMPROMISE is another word for ‘lasting relationships.’ good luck with the 9 e-mails.

Comments are closed.