Vitals Signs Reloaded

Many Eves have read the very famous book ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and/or watched the film with the same title. The book is described as “the No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys”. The gist of the book is that if a guy really wants Eve, he will let her know and will go after her – he will call her and if he is really into her, he will introduce her to his friends and maybe even eventually to his goat-herding clan (hehehe), etc – you get the drift. If he’s just not that into her, then those signs like not calling her back (especially if he’s already dipped into the cookie jar), acting all aloof and being unavailable will surely show.

When the book came out, it was widely acclaimed and most of the reviews by Eves were about how great the book is and how it outlined some simple truths (not simple to swallow though) to the problems that plague Eves when an Adam in question seems to be behaving ‘badly’.  Some women even felt that the book helped them understand men better.  Of course, there is always a section of people who will dissent but what would the world be if we all agreed to the same ‘truth’. Probably much calmer but very boring is what it would be but that is beside the point of this post.

Later, I was amused when I came across a piece by a college girl titled ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ Ruined My Life and I started to read reviews where Eves and even Adams (mostly shy ones) did not think that the book was all that. They were mostly quite amusing but above all, it was quite interesting to read all these ‘dissenting’ voices over a book and film that became so popular.

Picture this: Eve and Adam start dating or are in some of sort of similar relationship for some time, mostly not very long. Then certain acts or omissions by Adam start to get under Eve’s skin and they cause an internal itch – sometimes he doesn’t call when he says he will or doesn’t answer his phone when Eve calls; sometimes he is just unavailable, physically or emotionally or even both, etc. – basically Eve keeps getting these intermittent cold signals from him and she doesn’t really get what is up. The thing is that when Eve and Adam are in a relationship and Adam is giving these hot and cold signals, this normally throws Eve into a state of untold internal confusion especially if Eve is looking towards a committed relationship.

What usually follows inside Eve is an inner ‘dialogue’ where many, many questions are posed but no answers are given. In many cases it is a tumultuous state of being with the questions of uncertainty being asked: ‘does he really like me?’, ‘did I do something wrong?’, ‘maybe it’s me – he doesn’t like the way I kiss or my boobs are just too big for what he likes’ (heheheh, OK, that last one is never usually an issue), ‘maybe I have shown my deep feelings too soon, I am just too passionate at this time and he is not ready for that’, ‘maybe he is with someone else?’ and it just goes on and on and on…..The simple fact is that this inner chaotic one-sided discourse is a quest for answers – for the simple truth as to WHY this is happening and of course sometimes lined with a view to solving the problem(s) so that Eve and Adam can get back or on to happy dating. The fact is that there are never really clear answers to most of these internal questions and sometimes when the answers come, they do not necessarily appease or pacify our hearts and minds.

Now, of course there are vital signs which should just tell you in large print neon letters that things are just not working out (see Vital Signs). In fact, in this previous post, one of our fans averred that if Eve is questioning whether Adam is really into her, then maybe it’s just the sign that perhaps he’s not. It’s the seemingly grey ones that send us off in a mental and emotional twist. What I found of interest from the dissenting voices can be summarized as follows:

That sometimes when relationships are in the infant stages (and here I don’t mean infant making stage), sometimes things don’t go as smoothly but that doesn’t mean that the relationship doesn’t stand a chance; sometimes it just needs to be given space to breath and grow – it may snore or heave heavily but at some point, normal breathing will be attained. That whilst women have a picture of how naturally a relationship should progress and thus have these expectations of how the relationship should develop, this can sometimes stifle a growing relationship and lead to disappointment if doesn’t appear to follow the course and stages of expectations.

That whilst some fundamentals apply to most men, not all men are the same and this rule that a man will go after you and show you off and introduce you to his friends doesn’t necessarily apply to all men. Some men are shy, some have baggage, etc. and therefore they may not immediately make all the moves as the go-getter-guy-who-is-into-you described in the book would. That the fact that he’s into you doesn’t mean he is going to give you all that you want/need/expect. After all, only God is good all the time J.

That you will need to look at the relationship through an open and honest lens to ask yourself questions that will help you understand whether there are some vital things about being in a relationship that are being honored or not being honored or whether you are dealing with workable issues and hence can give the relationship a chance and hence not just conclude, ‘he’s just not that into you’. To be clear, these are not the same questions involved in the ‘inner dialogue’ – these are questions which put your relationship on weighing scales (or lie detector test) depending on the period of time you have been together.

That whatever the answers or non-answers are, you need to find peace and balance and love within yourself and your life, even in the absence of this ‘significant’ other. Sometimes you need to give a little leeway and sometimes you may just need to let go and breathe easy.

By Joyce


17 thoughts on “Vitals Signs Reloaded

  1. Oh for heaven’s sake woman, we are in the middle of one of most exciting erection campaigns ever experienced on this soil, the confederation of African Football is holding its finals tournament in the land of Shaka and this is the week we discover who goes to form one A or form one F in Waititu’s school AND all you want to do is to go mushy mushy all over us?

    Damn woman. Damn.

    • Haha @mahegoat, it’s more of taking a break from what we are experiencing as the norm. This is a beautiful read Joyce. At times relationships are broken by assumptions and not facts.

      • I agree Munene, this is a break that is much needed. Bwana Mahe, wachana na siasa, every so often we need something different, no? You’re the one who’s always saying you want the ladies to dwell on it, well here it is.

        Ms Joyce, very nicely done. Sometimes we need to be reminded that one size does not fit all (and that infant stages are not synonymous with infant making stages… hilarious!).

      • Alex, I forgot to mention that you are the fan that averred and you actually suggested that we should do a follow up post so I hope this one suffices.

      • Let me get this straight.

        It is the norm for you examinations results are announced every week?

        It is norm for you that International Soccer Tourney finals take place every week?

        It is norm for you that National Erections Campaigns producing political heroes out of former political villains and Political villains out of former top notch board room honchos every week?

        It is norm for you that the above happen all together?

        These are facts Mr. Munene not assumptions.

        The Zambians are about to take that penalty from the Ethiopians. Shot!! SAVED. S A V E D ! That is NOT the time you ask me “Where is relationship going?

    • @Mahegoat, lol! I believe this is another one which did not make your Monday ;)?

      As it is, I cannot write about politics (there are enough analysts out there) or football (that I leave to the great Munene) so I stick to the mushy stuff. Thanks for dropping by as always.

      @Munene, thanks.
      @Alex, it’s been a while. Good to have you around and thanks.

  2. I’m slowly starting to figure out Joyce and Frida… Joyce is all romantic and Mushy, no? Frida is the go-getter and is not afraid to tell what tennis (players) does for her.

    Its interesting the way ladies and gentlemen try figuring each other out, the dating game. Have any of you gone through ‘The Pandoras box’?

    • @praying, Fridah here.
      Now, I have chuckled at that description – ‘go getter’. I will go full throttle on it – this is 2013!

      Now,speaking of tennis(players), this weekend I watched lots of tennis. Guess who has a killer bod all of a sudden? Andy Murray – As I watched him generate some killer shots (as in tennis shots) from the baseline, unleashing some great winners, I in the process (heheheh, right) noticed his new bod. But Tsonga is still on the looks-bod throne!! That lad!

  3. One man fails to call you because he’s just that not into you, another man fails to call you because he is afraid to call you…I don’t really believe that you can generalize human behaviour, especially when it comes to relationships. another nice post…

  4. Nice post……..but be careful what u wish for ladies, you might get a Simon Makonde type whom by the second date he tells you he loves you, by the third he finishes he’s phone conversations by telling you to speak to his mother, his bestfriend who you have never met. He tells you about everything he owns, his salary………..what he will do for you to the tune of he doesn’t care about how much you earn coz he will be the man of the house!!!
    by date five he’s tells you he’s not the dating type and you guys we’ll get to know each other in marriage and contrary to other guys sex is actually the last thing on his mind.
    He doesn’t refer to you as a girlfriend but as a partner or running mate(its 2013) and leads you to believe the only woman he’d ever cheat on you with is Michelle Obama coz she’s a package!!!

    So be careful what you wish for……… might just come true!!!

    Miss Julz!
    PS:Simon Makonde was in reference coz am sure after 7 days you will run!!!

  5. Finally, I have found my way back here! Allow me to settle down and familiarize myself with what I have missed. 🙂

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