“There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this”. – Terry Pratchett
I was having a drink with my buddy talking about everything, from the weather to fear of PEV, before we finally started talking about matters of the heart. She had just come out of a relationship and she was wondering how to let go. You know you can tell when someone wants to vent or to talk, but you just let the weather stories have a small spot before the ‘dissecting’ begins. This is why you need girlfriends who can listen without necessarily telling you that they did not see why you were with that loser because “you are made for greater things”.
She seems like she has it together but you know ‘seeming’ like can be far from ‘being’. By the way, many of us need to learn that when you hurt, there is no point of trying to be strong; there is no one you must be strong for – you are human – so it is OK to admit that all is not well within. So I directed her to the piece that we did about letting go. She is an ardent fan of Project 44 and she told me that she had read it already.
“That was about the benefits and wisdom of letting go, I want to know how to let go”, she tells me.
“Well, how about you just let go?” I ask her as I smile – she knows I am joking, She smiles back faintly, I can see the pain.
I have been through a few meaningful relationships and if you ask me, the way I let go was more like what other people would conclude as “you just do not love with the heart”. Talking of loving with the heart, when you hit nimbus, and then Adam shows exemplary meteorological knowledge, what is left other than purging yourself up and moving on? Does that mean that you do not love with the heart?
I look at her and I think that maybe she is underrating her resilience. “You have the power within you to heal – you will pull through”, I tell her, although I can’t quite tell what exactly she is feeling. She had what I would call a nice relationship.
She looks at me, smiles, sips her drink and tells me, “I think the darkest part is over”. I wait for her to expound, but she doesn’t; I do not explore further. I let it hang there, and I think to myself that she is a little tiger.
I tell her, “There are no formulae, I wish we had one like “density equals mass over volume”. She laughs. This is deliberate – not to try and pretend that I had the answer. Sometimes people just want to talk and not be burdened with information on ‘how to’; we all go through these motions very differently.
So we bid each other goodbye but she remains in my thoughts. And it got me thinking that if I were to give some advice, what would the advice look like?
1. Delete, Delete, Delete
We are the digital generation; the world has become one village with its numerous interconnections; you can connect your Yahoo! to your Facebook, not to mention the power that video chats hold. This technology is all very good especially when things are cozy and rosy between you. Lo! When things start pointing south, this interconnection can lead to serious emotional instability. If you want to let go, you just simply can’t – even for those who do not love with the heart. This presents its fair share of challenges. So Facebook brings up the updates “What a day, I am headed to Shompole” accompanied with a grinning smiley. This makes your knees go weak, heart rates escalates as you wonder whose ass he is tapping. It does not help! You do not need to know the details of his life – probably you never need to know, so Delete, Delete, Delete and Block, Block, Block.
Let the lachrymal apparatus work: yes, machozi. I actually envy people who are able to cry. They just let the tears flow; even without tissues or hankie to make it look pretty, they just soak in tears. Scientists refer to crying as a “secretomotor phenomenon related to the lachrymal apparatus” which relieves stress and pain. It helps one to release those pent-up emotions, and clears the head to think; it is one way of dealing with sorrow – it brings relief. When I see people crying over lost love, then I know that healing is not far off. So feel free to let the tears flow.
3. Distract not destroy
Do not burn his undies hoping his balls will burn too as the cloth goes up in flames and neither should you flash his Tag Heuer down the toilet. Distract yourself by doing something that was not part of your usual routine, like swimming or another sport, take some Portuguese lessons hehhehehe – the language is so sexy, if a guy tells you look amazing in Portuguese, even if you do not understand it, you will know he has said something that is likely to ‘toa wewe pangoni’ (woo you). Outdoor stuff makes you feel revitalized before you launch the new you. Yes, it will take effort but it is worth the effort.
There will be a high chance that your self esteem has taken a beating, and you will feel the need to protect yourself. Truth be told, some relationships end because they are not meant to be, and you quickly realize that. However, some of them end prematurely, a lot of things are left unresolved and that affects the letting go process. No matter the course it takes, do not be afraid to explore; gauge yourself to see when you feel ready; when you can genuinely see the beauty of all the life around you, then you are probably ready.
Relationships are not easy. If you dated for months or weeks, it might not be as hard – you barely know his bowel movements anyway hehehehe. However, if it was for years, then you know him, his friends, his family (if they are not in Guantanamo – Project 44’s reference to those hidden places and people you never get to see or know, much as you are in a relationship with someone) and the scent of his perfume accosts you everywhere. You have planned, you have been bombed or obliterated (kidding!) and you probably saw the ring coming but do not be hard on yourself; it will take time but that statue shall surely fall.
One of our fans here at Project 44 said that, not every relationship has to end up with you and him on the aisle, proclaiming unending love. Some people you will meet along the way might just come into your life for a season. After all, what is life without some degree of exploration?
Have a good week and share some ideas on how to let go.