Tell Them

“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”  Margaret Mitchell

First, I will start by admitting that I was apprehensive about this post because it is not always that one gets a friend on Skype, narrating crazy stuff which she expects you to piece together into a post – all aimed at laying it out there for Adam. This is one about a lot of do’s and don’ts when it comes to rolling in the hay – also known as “bombing “ in Project 44 jargon. Marylyn, one of my good friends is not only funny; she can be quite blunt too. On this particular Skype chat, she cuts to the chase and tells me that although Project 44 has explored the nooks and crannies of relationships, there is a neglected area which can and should probably be explored through a series of posts. There goes Marylyn, she is thinking about ‘a series of posts’. I go silent because I think we have pretty much exhausted ISSUES, to the extent of blogging and re-blogging about very random issues such as goats – and these are not those goats which Adam takes home to Eve’s papa.

Marylyn starts by asking me how many posts we have done about kissing and bombing. I can’t remember off the top of my head – because we have not focused solely on that -although we have touched on it in some posts. I chuckle, because I am not sure how that topic would be explored. I asked her what she had in mind and she told me that she would summarize a conversation she had during a girls’ night out, and I would piece it together into a post. I asked her if she was aware that it would be too one sided, to which she said that is what she meant by ‘exploring’, so that Adams too can have their say, and that way, “everyone saunters into better experiences”.

She starts with what she defines as the “contact” and says that Adams should know that one cannot approach a kiss like an ambush and expect to get far with it. Apparently, these ladies seemed to agree that some Adams just ambush you like Boko Haram in Mali; before you know what is happening, you are left shocked at the “raid”. They want Adams to know that kissing is an art (sounds cliché, but apparently not many know that). She tells me that, if Eve is not thinking about a kiss, especially if  it is the first kiss, chances are that Adam’s move will rival an ambush, hence Adam has to get the moment right. She gave an example of one Eve who said that, there was this guy who would get busy (eyes shut) doing what he thought was kissing, which was just sticking his tongue in her mouth, as soon as the lips touched. At this point, Marylyn sends an ‘lol’ emoticon, and then continues to say that this Eve said that she would feel this weird touch, coming in and out like that movement snakes make with their tongue, and described it as “a very unsexy and disturbing feeling”. The advice is here is that Adam should take the cue: if he does not feel Eve changing the approach and as far he can tell (even with his eyes completely shut) she is not sticking her tongue out, then he has no explanation as to why his tongue is out there. I am bewildered.

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She then delved into the hygiene zone and told me that they all agreed that lack of hygiene “murders” everything; add that to a clueless guy and Eve’s flight instincts are on overdrive, she says. I wondered who would have thought that we would still be on this, in this day and age; that we’re in the 21st century and still talking basics. Her reply was that, I should tell them (Adams of course) that hygiene is for everyone, not only Eve – and that while it’s clear that not all Adams are cut for the salon – to do manicures and pedicures and even have a head massage (the head on the shoulders) – we need to just have basics. Basics are not about chewing mint gums but brushing teeth and dental flossing because (as she put it), “there is no greater turn-off than embracing an Adam who smells like all flora and fauna thrives in his buccal cavity!”

Before I could process that, Marylyn is on the home stretch. She is now typing about actual bombing and I quickly inquired if I was expected to factor that in too. She sends a ‘shaking my head’ emoticon, and wonders how Eves out there will be “saved“if I didn’t. This made me feel like I am onto some important rescue mission and leaned forward, to read more clearly.

“Fridah, you have to tell them”. I ask her what I need to tell Adams. ”Tell them, that we know they want the “cookie”, and sometimes (on some rare occasions :D) we want it too, and if we are on the same page about that, then they need to know the cookie crumbles in phases”. I sigh – for unknown reasons. The message is that Adams need to know that, it is not about power or even size of the “weapon” – it is all about technique. In my mind, I am wondering if the masses do not know this already. Then she loads on more details; in summary, according to the bevy of girls, some Adams just go through the whole ineffectual exercise and then roll over with a stupid smile on their face, perspiring like they have been ploughing hectares of land and all the while, Eve is left one question ,“what just happened?!”. She says to tell them that “the way to hit ‘bulls’ eye’ is to be clearly aware of the position of the pelvis in relation to ‘the weapon’ – it is not by pumping and chancing on luck or divine intervention”. I giggle, and then find myself laughing out loud.

Finally, she concludes by saying that conversation is encouraged; because bombing is not like prayer where faithful pour their heart out to God and leave hoping that he heard. Adam should not assume that because he reached the ‘promised land’, Eve can ‘view it from a distance’ she tells me. Now, at this point, I am more focused on how the post will be packaged and before I finish my thought process, she says that most Adams need to know that most Eves are more than willing to be spanked, turned around, and even squat even, hehehehehe – anything that allows for near normal posture all in the pursuit for pleasure (for both). However, they can only do this if Adams are honest and not looking at it as a moment to prove anything (even when he is clueless). She says it’s important for Adam to know that it is exhausting to want to try stuff and then be met with resistance or a know-it-all attitude which leaves Eve feeling like she’s getting the short end of the stick (figuratively and literally). In the end, there are no medals, unless they come packaged in moans and grants after reaching “Canaan”.

I rest.

By Fridah

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3 thoughts on “Tell Them

  1. Points well taken ladies. Cleanliness, carpet-bombing a turn off, stuff you know…

    I learn kissing from a movie; a mother teaching her daughter how to. She has an apple to demonstrate the finer points of the art. Lick it slooooowly like you want it to last an eternity. Make as if you are going to bite it, ever so slowwwwwwwwwwly. Make as if you are going to swallow it, the apple, that is, but hold off and start licking again slowwwwly. And don’t slobber like you are sticking price-tags at a local Nakumatt! With time you get the drift. I practiced on a tomatoes and they got eaten faster before I got the rhythm. I think Adams can now go practice.

    Uhhm, one more thing, would it be too much too ask the Eve to initiate the small talk during final battle ‘The Last Stand at Lang Mei’? Thank you.

    Boko Haram actually operate in Nigeria, unless they opened a franchise in Mali which CNN’s Christine Anampour hasn’t sampled yet.

    Cheers my good ladies. Gotta go for a bombing expedition

  2. Oh boy! Oh boy!!…you might need another skype chat with a male friend….and then compare with this one sided view of things. “The joy of food is how it i served”

  3. “…perspiring like they have been ploughing hectares of land…” lol, the imagery that came with this expression is just priceless 😀
    Great piece though. Very enlightening!

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